Less Peculiar Ground

Can you boil a cucumber? It consists of mainly water right?

I think I dreamt about boiling cucumbers. Or at least, boiling something that wasn’t meant to be boiled.

How come potatoes become so much better when you boil them, yet carrots just become worse?

I wonder what would happen if you boiled your own hand. While it was attached to you, I mean. I know it’s a gross idea. I just wonder what it would be like. Could you take a bite out of yourself? And if so, would that be cannibalism? Is there a word for eating yourself?

I dreamt about breasts too, that’s much better. As long as they’re not my own, I mean.

This entry was posted on Saturday, September 3rd, 2005 at 11:00 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

The Ways Of Your Desire

I am not tired today. Which is rather odd, since I didn’t sleep too well last night. Go figure. My tiredness level is always unpredictable.

It was my own fault, last night. Thunder and lightning and rain. I lay in the dark and listened to it. Normally I sleep with earplugs in my ears, but I left them out. There is something soothing about a good storm. (I just realized that this might sound inappropriate, considering the Katrina situation. But obviously I didn’t mean anything like that).

The room lit up by a bright flash. And then waiting for the thunder to roll in. Thunder is awe inspiring. It’s like the heavens are shaking. Sometimes it feels like it will break apart the sky.

I remember I always found it really cool when we learned about nordic mythology in school. Thor’s hammer and all that jazz. I imagined how it must be to have the heavens roaring and not knowing what it was. So powerful that it had to be gods.

The more we learn, the less likely magic seems.

I was looking at stars some nights ago. Before bedtime. Standing outside in our back yard, enjoying the cool night air. Clear skies full of pinhole stars. It really does look sort of like a dome, doesn’t it? A big dome over our heads with little holes that let in the light from whatever majestic galactic party is going on on the outside.

Maybe if you’re really quiet you can hear the music…

Yeah, all those stars drip down like butter
Promises are sweet
We hold out our pans, lift our hands to catch them
We eat them up, drink them up, up, up, up
Hey, let me in
Hey, let me in

I know it’s the biggest cliché in the book, but looking up at the stars really makes me feel tiny. Ant in the farm. When I look at the stars I get a great need for answers. Answers I don’t need. Answers that probably don’t exist. But it’s hard not to ask the questions anyway. Life, love, the universe and everything.

Like God. I was thinking about God. Or faith, really. We don’t know there is a God, right? So we have to base it on faith. Blind faith, because there is no evidence. There is evidence that points against God, but not for him. I don’t think it’s fair to ask for blind faith. You could put blind faith into anything. I could believe Ronald McDonald is God. There is as much proof. What does blind faith prove anyway? It’s like an on/off switch. You don’t have to actually think about it, you just have to turn it on or off. “Okay, I’ll believe in God”. Blind faith is nothing. Faith can be strong, but blind faith is arbitrary. If I was God I would not be impressed by masses of blind faith. It wouldn’t mean anything.

You know?

Probably not. I’m having problems communicating what I wanted to say. I should have written this down right when I thought about it, instead of a week later!

Sorry, this entry wasn’t meant to be quite so stargazing. Tomorrow I will catch up with the down-to-Earth goings ons.

Top o’ the weekend to ya.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 2nd, 2005 at 22:00 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Cover Up Your Footprints

I was going to write a long and exciting entry just now.

Start again.

I was going to write a long entry just now. But I’m so tired. I have been so tired all day. No energy. I’m like one of those bunnies in the battery commercials. I’m the bunny with the cheap, crap battery. And all the other bunnies have left me behind.

When I get tired I make bad metaphors. No, not metaphors. That other thing. When it’s spelled the same backwards and forwards.

Good thing it’s almost weekend.

I was going to write something about hurricane Katrina. I can’t believe what’s going on in America. How could this happen? I didn’t pay much attention to it at first because.. it’s a hurricane. It happens every year, right? Now they’re saying there are thousands dead and so on, you know the damage. It’s shocking. My best wishes to everyone out there. What can you really say in an online journal that would make any difference? Words are powerful but sometimes they just aren’t enough.

And on that note, goodnight.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 1st, 2005 at 21:09 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Still Trading Places

I must again thank you all for your support. I am spoilt. To know such good people.

And it feels good have written that entry. It feels like being in control. Like you said, Katherine, taking charge. It doesn’t feel like such a big dirty shame anymore. You guys almost made me feel silly for letting it be such a big deal hehe. That is a good lesson to learn.

Overall I am feeling quite good and cautiously optimistic. It does take time though. Twenty years of feeling like a worthless freak doesn’t just wash away overnight. But I’m in charge, and things are changing.

One bad thing about all this though. Remember the Tina Dickow Trax concert, the homecoming thing? The one where she will be playing in our neighbourhood? The one I didn’t get a ticket for? Well, I was offered the chance of buying a ticket that became available. But after talking to the doctor I have had to decline the offer. Darn it. The operation is on the 7th, the concert on the 11th. And according to the doctor I shouldn’t expect to be wanting or able to go. Sucks. I was looking forward to this a lot. Part of me wants to just buy the ticket and then hope for the best. Hope that I don’t feel so horrible that I can’t force myself to go. But I guess it’s unlikely. And it wouldn’t be fair of me to take up a ticket when I probably can’t go. Better that someone else gets the ticket and gets to enjoy the show. Sniffle. It sucks to be selfless.

Martyrdom is kinda neat, though.

And I still have a ticket for the Train show in November. I just… would have much rather gone to this one. If only I had known that I’d get a second chance for a ticket. I could have scheduled the operation for the next week. Wouldn’t have been a problem. But oh well. I will stop complaining, because all in all I am still quite fortunate.

Tomorrow I’m going to order Lost Season 1. It will be released on the 6th. So hopefully I’ll have a huge box set to entertain me while I’m on sickleave.

What else has happened? I almost wrecked my camera yesterday. At the playground. I let the kids borrow it. And one boy dropped it on the ground. Bounce. Bounce. Sand and dirt. Yikes. Luckily there was no damage. It works fine. Wouldn’t it just have been typical if it had been broken, after two months of waiting for it. Then I would have needed the extra insurance! But I got lucky. I better be a little more strict with the kids. Not let them run around so much with the camera. Tempting fate.

Mads has been acting. It’s “festuge” in Århus. The festive week. It’s a yearly tradition. And apparently Mads was cast in a Hans Christian Andersen performance. They needed a goat. According to Pernille he was quite the star of the show. And the performers took him with them when they had a lunch break because he didn’t want to be tied up alone outside. Haha. Doesn’t surprise me. He’s going to be starring tomorrow again. I wish, I wish, I wish I could go see him. That would be great. But it’s during work hours. And I’m not even sure exactly where it is. Too bad. Mads is a star, though, no doubt.

I helped herd the goats today. At closing time, when the goats had to go inside. They didn’t want to go inside. They never want to do what they’re supposed to, the little darlings. So Per asked me if I couldn’t walk towards their house so they’d follow me. They still didn’t want to go inside, but then I went inside myself. And they followed. And Per thanked me for the help. Haha. It still makes me happy that I have this special touch with the goats.

Finally, a funny thing happened at therapy today. The session itself went without incident. I didn’t get picked for any of the “hard” things, so it was a breeze. Apart from the fact that I had been tired all day, and then the natural drain of being in the situation. Very, very tired. But other than that it was pleasant. You remember that there is only one other guy in the group? And his name is Lasse, as well? And he’s the same age as me? Well, turns out he is a Brøndby fan just like I am. What are the odds? Seriously. We live in Århus, everyone here is a fan of AGF. What are the odds that there would be two Lasses in the same therapy group? And that they would both love Brøndby? Very odd. Maybe he is my evil twin. Except he doesn’t seem evil of course. Also, it wouldn’t make much sense for both twins to be called Lasse I guess. Unless his real name is Evil Lasse. But I don’t think so.

He seems quite nice. And the fact that he is a Brøndby fan makes him aaaalrite in my book. One of these days I must gather up my courage to talk to him about it. “So, you like Brøndby too, eh?”. A perfect excuse for social training.

Oh yes. Pictures. We can’t have an entry without a bunch of virtually identical pictures.

First off, the star of the show:

Mads poses for his headshots. He has competition though. Magnethe is brimming with starquality.

It’s interesting to observe how the goats interact. This is one of the rare times when Magnethe goes head-to-head with Mads. Normally she will run away. When I sit down, Mads will come to me and demand my attention. Pernille has said it a couple of times when he has chased Magnethe away: “Oh Mads, you want Lasse all to yourself, don’t you?”. Hehe. But Magnethe wants to come over to me too. So she sort of lurks around and waits for Mads to step away a little. Then she’ll carefully approach me, all the while keeping an eye on Mads to make sure he isn’t coming back. And if Mads does start coming back then she’ll spurt away. And then she’ll go nibble at some grass or something, but I can see her eyes sort of half-disguised looking up at me to see if Mads is still there. Waiting for another chance.

Mads doesn’t always chase the others away though. It’s mostly if he knows there is food to be had. Then he’ll mark his territory.

Luckily there are other food sources.

And cuddle sources.

And finally, just for a change, here is the group therapy room at the clinic:

With the famous whiteboard. Nicholas sits on the left chair in front of the board, and Signe on the right.

Just a quick shot from our break.

And that’s all I wrote.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 30th, 2005 at 21:44 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

I Don’t Like What I See Staring Back At Me

So what is it, this surgery that I shall be having in a week and half now?

It is a breast reduction. Yes. Might as well get it out of your system now. Laugh a little if you need. Because hey, manboobs are funny. I make jokes about manboobs too. Only, gynecomastia isn’t really funny. It can, in fact, be emotionally crippling.

And it has been for me. All these years of diaries and journals, I have been pretty open about my flaws and fears and phobias. But this is the one thing I have never talked about. All the times I have talked to psychiatrists or therapists or doctors or psychologists, I have never mentioned it. Despite the fact that I’m quite sure that it has played a big part in my social phobia. Why do I feel worthless? Why can I not stand getting attention? Why does it hurt when people look at me?

I don’t know if you can imagine what it’s like. If you’re a girl, then imagine having a penis. Would you take showers with other girls? Would you wear tight pants? Would you ever feel normal?

It goes back as long as I can remember. It goes back when the girls and the boys were still showering together after PE classes. And two of them (can’t remember who) were looking at each other and said “Are you getting breasts yet?”, “No, but Lasse is”.

No wonder I feel like a freak. I am one.

I remember when Denmark won the European Championship in soccer in 1992. I bought a T-shirt with the team on it. Wore it proudly to school. Until people wanted to start looking at it. Looking at me. My chest. I hid behind the long curtains and heard Maria saying “Haha, a boy with breasts”.

I always thought that it was because I was overweight. It was my own fault. Until I saw a program on TV about gynecomastia. That must be 5-6 months ago now. I went to my doctor, wrote him a letter in advance about it. It’s so hard to talk about that I knew I wouldn’t just be able to go and talk to him about it. But sending the letter in advance, then he’d know. And he agreed that it would be good to get something done about it. So he referred me to the hospital. I got x-rays taken to be make sure that there was no cancer or anything. Then I got scheduled for an operation. In January 2006. A long wait. Luckily they have a policy that if they can’t offer you the surgery within two months then they will help you find another hospital or clinic where you can get it done faster. So I was referred to Århus Speciallægecenter. I went there a couple of days ago. And now I have an appointment for surgery on September 7th. Ten days from now.

So there you have it. I can’t really communicate how big a deal it is to me. How painful it has been for me. But you know my situation, right? So if I say that gynecomastia has been a big part of putting me in this situation then you can understand that it is something very big in my life, right?

And I am incredibly happy that something is going to happen about it now. When I was younger I would sometimes think about just grabbing a knife in the kitchen and cutting them off. Maybe I’d die of the blood loss, but so what? It was better than living like this.

I’m trying not to be too optimistic. Because this operation will not make me “normal”. I won’t be slim and beautiful. I will not stop feeling like I am a less worthy person than others. Everything will not be perfect. But just… the thought of being able to put on a shirt without having to stretch it out so it’s as loose as possible. The thought of being able to go into a room and not feel like everyone is staring. The thought of not hating myself. That is a sweet thought.

The operation itself is a little scary. I will be getting general anesthesia. Is that what it’s called? The full thing, going completely under. And then I’ll be at the hospital for a day. And probably be in much pain. But at least they will provide painkillers for the first days. After that I’ll have to get my own panodil. Hah. It’s not exactly going to be fun. But at least I can expect 1-2 weeks off from work. So you gotta look at the bright side. I will get to stay in bed and watch DVDs. It’ll be just like vacation. Only with searing pain, discomfort and shame.

Maybe this is all very weird. I don’t mind being a weirdo, though. I’d just prefer it not to be because of my body. My mind, that is another matter.

It feels kinda nice to talk about it too. The dark, dirty secret that I have been trying to hide for so long. I told Sanne about it on Thursday. I had to tell her that I would be taking some sick leave of course, because of the operation. And she said “Is it okay to ask what it’s for?”. So she sort of gave me the opportunity to not tell her what it was exactly. But I told her. And she was a little surprised. She said she hadn’t noticed anything really, because I always wore loose clothes. I don’t know if she was just being polite though. In my head everyone always notices. In my head there is nothing else they notice. In my head there is a great desire to hide away so no one will notice.

I almost can’t imagine a different life. I hope I will get it though. This, along with therapy and medication and general evolution, could just give me a better future.

I am allowed to hope, at least.

Feel free to ask questions or leave comments. It’s hard for me to know how people will react exactly. But I know you’re all supportive. And I can take jokes too. Because, you know, you gotta be able to see the humour in deep emotional pain. Otherwise you’ll just end up, oh trying to kill yourself or something.

Ugly. Just for reference.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 28th, 2005 at 21:11 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. hanne Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 21:36 e

   i still think the knife thing is way gross when you think of it :/ :)
   but.. great that you wrote this entry

2. Desiree Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 22:43 e

   Is that all? Well, I have big, ballooning, saggy, and very tender pregnant woman breasts, so there! Anyways, whilst I’m at it, I kinda thought it was every mans dream to have breasts – like, guys will say stuff like “if I had tits, I’d be touching them all day!” Like, when what’s his face had his head sewn on to what’s her face’s shoulder in Futurama, he was all sad when the boobs disappeared. I’m just saying you might realise once they’re gone what you’ve lost. Though, I guess, not feeling like a freak anymore will make up for it? I’m actually (besides all the stupid jokes) super happy for you and wish you all the best of luck with the op. I know how horrid it is to feel different – even if it’s because of something which isn’t your “fault” or isn’t even that different. You have made amazing progress with your social phobia and this is yet another huge step in the right direction. And I’m glad you chose to share it with us.

3. Anne Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 23:00 e

   Og….? Det er nu flot nok, at du erkender problemet, lader os andre følge med og gør noget! Du kan nu engang ikke bygge dit liv på, hvad tåbelige – eller måske tankeløse – tøser sagde for år tilbage.

4. Katherine Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 23:29 e

   Hugs, Lasse. There is nothing more horrendous than feeling shame about one’s body and most of us do for one reason or another (except for the cursed movie stars who seem to have been born airbrushed.) You may feel you have a lot of stuff to work through still with your social discomfort, but it’s obvious you’re taking charge of your life more and more. I still have trouble making an appointment to see the dentist! This operation is another turning point for you. Doing what will make you feel better. I hope there won’t be too much pain afterwards, but if you have good meds you can enjoy your time off. I wish I could recommend some good DVDs but I’ve only seen crappy ones lately. I’ll post a private message in the gbook about some great sheep farm finds from the BBC.

5. Florida Girl Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 23:42 e

   Lasse,

   I admire your honesty and your openness. Good luck with everything. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

6. Belinda Says:
   August 29th, 2005 at 12:27 e

   You always manage to blow me away with your courage. I wish you all the best for what lies ahead in the next week or so.

7. Grant Says:
   August 29th, 2005 at 15:39 e

   It is very rare that people like what they see in the mirror. Children can be cruel and say hurtful and scarring things. Unfortunetly not everyone in life cares about things outside themselves. To me that is ugly. It is easy to beat oneself up, but what i try to do is look at how I look at my friends, I don’t see what is ugly, I see them and of course I like what I see in others. It’s a matter of trusting that others see the real you and not our outer shells in all its human glory. Afterall we will all one day be the same and that is just simply dust. Take care and keep your head up man.

8. Erik Says:
   September 10th, 2005 at 1:35 e

   Stærkt!
   Det er utrolig modigt og godt gået! Det er opmuntrende at se dit liv bare bliver bedre og bedre.
   Keep it up!

   Mvh
   Erik

   Og tak for Tina-linket forresten;-)

Hey Du Dér Fremmede

…Instead a picture.

I always wondered what the birds wanted with the bees.

Also four videos on the video page. The goats. Just because I’m happy to have my old new old new camera back (again) again. They probably won’t make you as happy as they make me, but any chance to spread happiness should be seized. Even if it is only theoretical.

I just finished watching Tina Dickow live on the telly. She’s part of a big benefit show tonight. Rock’n'Royal. I’m not much for royalty. But I am much for Tina. She performed with Steffen Brandt. I absolutely love their version of Halleluja. You wouldn’t think it would be a good idea to make Danish translations of Leonard Cohen songs, but that one really is wonderfully splendid.

It is odd though. Steffen Brandt is the leadsinger of a band called TV2. A band that my mother loves. So I have grown up with him singing sometimes in the background, as a part of the paternal music. You know, that music that you eventually must feel alienated from. You must rebel with your own music, louder harder faster.

And then you have Tina, who will always be caught somewhere in the middle, between the girl I knew at school and the superstar musician. All in all it melds together in a strange blend of past, present and future. I feel like a cartoon character, rubbing my eyes and going “whaaaa?!”. Like Moe, you know. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s beautiful.

And I always did like TV2 actually. Despite the paternal connection. I always liked their music. And their lyrics. They’re funny and witty and somehow profound.

Så kys det nu, det satans liv.

I actually love his lyrics. And the music is strangely compelling for an “old” Danish band. I can’t think of any other Danish band from before my late-teens that I like so much.

Well, apart from Cut’n'Move of course. Mwhaha.

I slept a lot today. It’s strange, the more I sleep the sleepier I seem to get. Someone explain to me why that is?

Finally, let me advertise the wildcam. As a kid I would read one book after another about nature and animals and so on. Here they are, coming alive. It’s like another planet. If I had a laptop then I’d leave the cam running and fall asleep to the sounds of the Botswana night.

That’s all for today. Surgery story tomorrow, most likely. Along with stargazing. I think. I am not cryptic, I just like to wear my pants on my head.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 27th, 2005 at 22:38 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Camera Etcetera

It’s been a good couple of days.

I have my camera back. Or more precisely: I have a better camera back. Yup. Let me recap my camera saga:

I buy my new camera. After one month it breaks. The zoom is inoperational. I give it back to the store, they send it out for repairs. Two months go by. I go to the store and demand something happen. The guy I talk to says that the service center is closed for the day but he promises that he will get back to me tomorrow with a final decision about what will happen. The next day he leaves a message on our answerphone. They’ll give me a new camera.

So yesterday I go to the store. The service guy apologises for the whole thing. He fixes the paperwork and calls for a sales guy so I can get me a new camera. And then he says that this time I better buy the extra insurance, because If I had had that then none of this would have happened. Man, that made me want to tell him off. The camera was faulty and it took them two months to decide that they couldn’t fix it. Sure, if I had gotten the insurance then they probably would have given me a new camera right away. But really, 2 months is unacceptable. And the guy I talked to back then was going to give me a new camera straight away anyway, they just didn’t have any left in the store. So trying to sell me extra insurance because of their own mistakes and their own faulty camera, that pisses me off. But I bit my tongue, didn’t feel like arguing with them. And I declined the insurance. I have never bought extra insurance for anything I have bought. Computers, TVs, DVDs, cameras. None. And I have never regretted it. Maybe one day I will find myself needing the insurance. But then I will just spend some of all that money I have saved over the years. Those extra insurances are usually bogus anyway. The clerk makes comission of them, that’s why they’re so eager for you to buy them. Not because they care. Sniff, whatever happened to caring?

So anyway. The sales clerk takes me to their big camera collection. I tell him that I want the same model, the colour doesn’t matter but I want the same camera type. He had thought I just wanted a new camera. Not the same. So he has to check their computer system to see if they have any Konica Minolta DiMage Z3’s left. He wasn’t sure. But then he decides to check their display case. There’s no Z3. But there’s a Z5. It’s basically the same camera, only with a slightly bigger LCD screen and 5 megapixels instead of 4. Funny thing is, in the three months that have passed since I bought the Z3, it has fallen in price. And the Z5 has fallen in price too. To the price that the Z3 used to be. So voila, they give me a Z5 instead. I had to take the camera they had in their display case though, that was the last one left. But I don’t mind that.

So that’s how it ended. I now have a swanky DiMage Z5. I am happy about that. Was it worth it? Waiting for the camera for 2 months to get a better model? I think so. Mainly because I had my old camera and was happy with that. If they DiMage had been my only camera then it would have been a loooong 2 months. But the only time I really could have needed my new camera was at the Tina Dickow signing session. I would have liked to make a good quality video clip there. But other than that my old camera has been perfectly adequate.

So all is swell that ends well. 5 Megapixels, 12x zoom, high quality video with audio. That’s good stuff.

There is more good news. I went to the doctor yesterday and I’m going to have surgery in two weeks! Hah. Yes. I have hinted at it before. It’s something that’s hard to talk about for me. But now that the surgery is scheduled (and soon!) I guess it’s almost time. I will probably do it tomorrow or Sunday. So don’t miss that. My future may well depend on it. More or less.

In other possibly good news, I seem to be able to maybe get a ticket for the neighbourhood Tina Dickow concert. That would be astounding. Only thing is, my surgery is on the 7th and the concert is the 11th. But I can always stand in the back and not jump around wildly. I oughta be able to make it. I really want to go. How many chances are you going to get to see a great artist come home and play in their old neighbourhood and then also have it be your own old neighbourhood? I don’t think that happens too often. So I must try. I’ll call the doc on Monday and see what they recommend.

Also, I wish season 2 of Lost would start soon. I want to know what’s in the hatch. I want to know what’s in the hatch I want to know what’s in the hatch I want to know what’s in the hatch.

Sorry. But I reeeeally want to know.

I just overheard my mother talking to her brother on the phone. “Do you know what I’m sucking on now?” she said. *shudder*. Okay, she was talking about bonbons. But still. That’s something you should never ever hear your mother say. My mother is a Freudian nightmare. She still pronounces hard disk as hard diks. And yes, as I said in my previous update, she’s reading my site now. So hi mum!

Let’s break in the new camera with some playground pictures, shall we? You probably can’t tell the difference from old cam hah. I’m going to try and learn how to use this one properly. There’s nothing as fun as reading instruction manuals!

My favourite subject. Adorable Magnethe.

And just because Mads makes me happy…

Finally, ducks on the run.

I can’t update my gallery. Annoying. It’s most likely because of that servermove my host did. It was fine before that. I guess this would be a good time to change over to coppermine.

Anyway, happy weekend to you all.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 26th, 2005 at 22:31 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Florida Girl Says:
   August 26th, 2005 at 23:37 e

   Have a great weekend!

2. larry brown is a skank Says:
   August 27th, 2005 at 9:00 e

   dear mrs lasse:
   OMG LASSE IS SO AWESOME! we always talk about how great he is and how he helps old ladies cross the street, gives blood regularly and don’t even touch the orange juice and cookies because he wants to leave it for the more needy (those sad homeless people who have to give blood just for the orange juice and cookie so they can have a meal), and he tutors portugese to blind asthmatic children who have parents in prison.
   i used to be a lost wee child living a sinful life of booze and crack and promiscuity with crackwhores looking for any distraction from life, UNTIL I MET LASSE and now i’m an architect AND doctor, (BOTH medical and that other kind) ALL THANKS TO LASSE! what a glorious beautiful child you have! god bless!

3. Plume Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 20:52 e

   I -am- awesome.

A Message To My Mother

Hej Mor.
Jeg ved godt, at du kigger på min hjemmeside. Og jeg er ikke overrasket.

Yes, my mother checks out my website. I can see it in our computer’s history. She’s been doing a lot of snooping around. Typical.
But who cares.
The truth cannot hurt me any longer.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 26th, 2005 at 22:31 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Pistacie Fake Icecream

Ugh. I am tired. And my head hurts. My feet hurt. I have a blister. It’s been a long day.

Therapy was hard. Afterwards I was walking around in the sun. Missed my bus. Complained about my camera at the store. More walking.

I’m looking forward to going to bed now.

So group therapy. Third session. At first it seemed like any of the other sessions. But then we had to do an exercise. It was like my heart froze when Signe said it. We had to pair up two and two. And turn our chairs to face each other.

Panic panic panic. Sitting face to face with someone. Talking to them. That is one of the scariest things I can imagine.

The exercise was about self-focus. I’ll try not to go into a long lecture about it. But basically when your phobia kicks in then you focus a lot on yourself. Your symptoms and feeling and such. So it’s important to learn to focus on other things, the person you’re talking to or the surroundings for example. So, in the exercise we had to first talk 2 minutes where we focus a lot on ourselves, focus inwards. And then talk 2 minutes where we focus outwards, on other things. In order for us to experience the difference.

I was paired with Vibe. She was going first, doing the talking first. So I just had to sit and listen to her. That wasn’t easy though. Especially in round 2, where I knew that she was going to be focusing outwards, and therefore focusing on me. I can’t stand being the center of attention. It almost physically hurts when people look at me. So that was tough. And when she was done it was my turn to talk. I chose to talk about my trip to the Netherlands to see Skye. Really, that was something too intimate for me to start talking to a stranger about. But I didn’t know what to pick. Something that I could talk about for 4 minutes? I have nothing in my life that can’t be described in 20 seconds. Sort of. So I told that story. First 2 minutes where I focused on myself. And then 2 minutes where I focused on other things. That was hard though. Because the room was full of therapists and observers and people talking. When I tried to steer my focus away from myself then it just bumped into a “You’re in group therapy and you’re being evaluated” wall.

I got through it. But it was one of the hardest things I have done in a long while. Very confrontational. Pushing boundaries. Still, that’s what it’s all about. You have to confront your fears etc. And Vibe was a good partner. In the 2nd round I started stumbling a little on my words, wasn’t sure what to say. But she asked some questions and helped me a long like that. So that was good.

When it was all said and done we went around the circle and everyone talked about how it had been and if they felt the difference between focusing on yourself and focusing on something/someone else. I was the first one to talk about my experience. Vibe was the last. And she gave me a big surprise.

I was a little nervous that she would say something like “this was a hard exercise because Lasse is such a bad partner, he’s hard to talk to etc”. But no. She said I had actually helped her. Because I seemed so interested in what she said. And because I had such a kind face and such friendly eyes. Wow.

Wow.

That I did not expect. It came like a lightning bolt. In the situation where I had been listening to her I had thought that she would be thinking that I was weird, that I was a bad partner. It never occured to me that she would think anything positive about me. She said that too, afterwards. That she realized that it probably wasn’t something that I knew. And that’s why she wanted to mention it. And Signe said “yes, and now he does know. And what do you think about that Lasse?”. And what did I think about it? It was wonderful to hear of course. Vibe didn’t have to say anything positive about me. She didn’t have to say anything about me period. It was her own experience she was evaluating. Nobody asked her about me, it was her own iniative to say something nice about me.

What an odd feeling. Hehe.

I know some of you guys have said I look kind too, and that the animals like me because I’m kind and such. But still, it’s easy to think that “Oh I look kind on that picture, that means I’m butt ugly but I have a nice personality”. Not that I don’t appreciate the nice things you say, you know I do immensely. But it still something quite amazing to hear it from someone who doesn’t have to say anything positive, who doesn’t have to say anything at all. But who says it face to face. And who says it in a situation that’s really hard and stressful for everyone. It was just… striking.

When our sessions are over we always go around the circle and everyone says what was best and what was worst for them in that session. For me the worst was our exercise, the hardest for me. Sitting and talking with another person. And the best was obviously the response I got from Vibe. I really got something good out of it today.

Sometimes I really feel like life could turn out okay after all. And what a nice feeling that is.

My mother is in Copenhafen for 3 days. Luckily no depression has turned up. I tried one of her “healthy icecream bars”. Not surprisingly it sucked. It’s just a fact of life. Everything that’s good for you sucks. Be it food or hard therapy or whatever.

But hopefully worth it in the end.

I think it will be.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005 at 22:12 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Anne Says:
   August 24th, 2005 at 20:49 e

   Du har vise, venlige øjne – og siger de gamle ikke, at øjnene er sjælens spejl?

2. Maile Says:
   August 25th, 2005 at 9:12 e

   lasse, you are one of the kindest people i’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. and that certainly does not mean that you are ugly. you are cute, you silly boy!

3. Valja Says:
   August 25th, 2005 at 20:28 e

   firstly, I got your e-mail but am not the best at instantly responding either … response forthcoming. secondly, your entry made me smile. Vibe saw in you what I (and the rest of your readers) see in your writing/photos. (I know online compliments can seem … err… not entirely real … just as real-life compliments can seem not entirely sincere … but sometimes that’s just how they seem, not how they are. :)

4. larry brown is a skank Says:
   August 25th, 2005 at 20:44 e

   uh, yeah, nice is usually what you say about someone when there isn’t anything else positive or special you can find about their look or personality. but it can also just be that they think youre nice.

5. Plume Says:
   August 26th, 2005 at 19:37 e

   You guys are the bestest.

Queer As Folk

No matter how tired, hurting or down I may feel…

…Mads will always cheer me up.

Here he is running towards me:

The goats did a lot of running today. For no particular reason. Usually they only run if they hear a loud noise. Or spot me. Or you know, reacting to something. But today I couldn’t really see any reason for them running around. It was odd. Mathilde jumped up on a table, baahed out loud, jumped down, ran to another table, jumped up on that, jumped down and then ran around some more. Ran into a group of ducks and spooked them so they started running around, flapping their wings. Rather odd all.

Speaking of ducks.

Thank you Anne, for identifying the duck. Muscovy ducks. Fascinating colours.

Mads is the slowest goat. Because of his big gut. Haha. Magnethe is very fast. It’s almost scary when she’s going at top speed straight towards you. But she always breaks in time.

Kindergarteners were visiting the playground.

Cautiously approaching the goats.

They fed leaves to Mathilde. And tried to pet her and such. Eventually she got a little annoyed with them. And started doing her typical “jumping up in the air so I look really big and frightening” thing. Kindergarteners are a lot to handle for a shy goat.

Mrs Piggy was having a nice lie down.

She was lying quite motionless there. Until Pernille came with a carton of milk.

That woke her up.

Nothing like a good drink.

And that’s all I’m going to do today.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 22nd, 2005 at 22:25 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.