Suicidal Fish #3

Can you see a pattern? THE FISH IS SUICIDAL. That’s the point. Of every strip. If any publishers want to pick it up, get in touch with me!

PS. I still love Mutts.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=34

Hey Man. Now You’re Really Living!

Just to add to the musical theme I would like to quote a song from Eels’ new album Blinking Lights And Other Revelations.

“Things The Grandchildren Should Know”

I go to bed real early
Everybody thinks it’s strange
I get up early in the morning
No matter how disappointed i was
With the day before
It feels new

I don’t leave the house much
I don’t like being around people
Makes me nervous and weird
I don’t like going to shows either
It’s better for me to stay home
Some might think it means i hate people
But that’s not quite right

I do some stupid things
But my heart’s in the right place
And this i know

I got a dog
I take him for a walk
And all the people like to say hello
I’m used to staring down at the sidewalk cracks
I’m learning how to say hello
Without too much trouble

I’m turning out just like my father
Though i swore i never would
Now i can say that i have a love for him
I never really understood
What it must have been like for him
Living inside his head

I feel like he’s here with me now
Even though he’s dead

It’s not all good and it’s not all bad
Don’t believe everything you read
I’m the only one who knows what it’s like
So i though i’d better tell you
Before i leave

So in the end i’d like to say
That i’m a very thankful man
I tried to make the most of my situations
And enjoy what i had
I knew true love and i knew passion
And the difference between the two
And i had some regrets
But if i had to do it all again
Well, it’s something i’d like to do

There’s a lot in that song that could have been written about me. I should get a dog.

I love Eels. Blinking Lights is another great album from them. Go buy it.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=33

Music Is My Aeroplane

I added a little bit of musicality to plume.dk.

There are the banterfiles of course.

And the concertlist.

Also The music I love. A list of my favourite bands along with some writing about them. So if you want to know my lovestory with the Smashing Pumpkins go check that out.

More bits and pieces that make up the whole that is Plume. Or the hole, if you will.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=32

1. meredith Says:
   May 22nd, 2005 at 0:38 e

   you have a hillary duff show??? I LOVE YOU!

Thank You For Listening

I have had a busy couple of days. Well, not really busy. Just some stressful things. And unfortunately no animals. I didn’t go yesterday. And when I went today the animals were all inside and their houses locked. How unfair. Now I can’t see them before Monday. Four and a half day without animal loving. Bummer. I really should have a goat in my back yard.

What stressful things have I been up to then?

Yesterday I had the meeting with my social worker. Never met her before. She came to Kulturgyngen and we sat down with my boss and talked. The meeting room was occupied so we had to go sit in the bar. Where people were working and making noises. And also the cute bargirl was walking around, cleaning and putting flowers on tables and so on. It’s very hard to concentrate on the future when you have such a cute girl virtually dancing around in front of you.

But the meeting went okay. We talked about how things are going. At work. And with my therapy. The group sessions I will be starting. And we discussed some things I could try to work on at work. Like having lunch up in the bar. And with others. Things like that. And for now the plan is for me to stay at Kulturgyngen and work especially on the social things, while continuing the therapy. That was the result of the meeting and that’s what I expected. And it’s the best too, I think. Things are progressing. It’s important for me to feel safe and comfortable, if I was going to start working somewhere else or doing something new then I would feel like I was starting all over. And then I would have to spend energy on that. Better to spend the energy on moving forward with the important things.

After that I hurried home and watched Lost. The best show ever. The Black Rock eh? Wow. I have to be careful about spoilers though. I seem to have gotten Skye hooked on Lost too. Or at least mildly interested. So I don’t want to spoil it for her. But wow. I can’t wait till the finale next week.

I still want the monster to be a giant robot dinosaur. But that’s just me.

I also watched Revenge of the Sith. I’m tired now because I stayed up way too late to watch it. I am weak. I couldn’t help it. I might still go see it in the cinema. And I will definitely be buying the DVD. I am not an evil pirate.

Pirate, Black Rock. Get it?

Anyway. I won’t do a big Episode 3 review. Just a little one: some really cool scenes. The best of the prequels. I think what it all boils down to with the prequels is that they shouldn’t have been made. There was no way they could ever live up to the expectations. And for the few really good things they introduced there were just too many bad things along on the ride. The story would have been better left to our imagination. That’s what I think.

I still love Star Wars though and if George decided to make Episode 7-9 I’d jump up and down with happiness even though I knew they would suck too.

I think Anakin went to the dark side too easily. He should have gone over when Padme died. I didn’t buy the “I’ll be your apprentice” thing.

But enough about that.

This morning. Standing at the bus stop. Grey clouds. The leaves moving in the wind. Birds flying over my head. I had a nice little self-aware moment. Seeing little tiny details everywhere, little tiny details that added up to a beautiful whole. A content feeling. Not feeling out of place, for once.

Things went fine at work. Cute bargirl was sitting out in the room outside our office, having lunch. She was smoking too. I don’t like smoking. But when her lips formed a beautiful red oval and she slowly exhaled smoke… that was hot.

After work I went to a reception. Yup. That was stressful. It was at City Sleep-in. A hostel owned by Kulturgyngen. They had an anniversary today. We were all invited. Normally I would never go to such a thing. Lots of strangers, dressed up nicely. But I decided that it would be a good therapy exercise.

I only lasted 15-20 minutes. But that’s okay. It was pretty boring. I’m not a person who can go around and small-talk and mingle. And I don’t drink so the free beer didn’t do anything for me. I pretty much stayed close to Sanne and smiled to everyone. While the nervousness inside me grew. It’s hard, being in a small place with a bunch of people I don’t know. But to look at the bright side, I took the chance and did it. Instead of going to the bus and heading home I went to the hostel and faced my fears. And I stayed there a little while even though all my social phobic senses were telling me to run.

I also saw Flemming Knudsen. The former mayor of Århus. He was at the reception. In a nice suit. I wanted to take a picture of him, but I guess it would have been rude.

I bought two jackets today. At a thrift store. Where the proceeds go to charity. I have been looking for a summer jacket for a while. I get uncomfortable when I go into the “fancier” stores. The stores where well-dressed people go. I am not well-dressed. When I step inside I can practically hear the salesmen thinking “What the hell is that guy doing here? I’m not going to sell my clothes to him, we would go out of business if people saw him wearing them”. Or maybe it’s the social phobia talking.

It’s kind of hard going through life being convinced that everyone who looks at you is judging you, is laughing behind your back, is whispering to their friend about you. It makes you want to avoid being looked at, at all costs. It’s really hard to turn it around. Like my therapist said “you’ve had years of training in thinking negatively about yourself”. Can’t expect to just change those thoughts overnight.

I will never be handsome or beautiful or maybe even completely normal. But I still want to be able to walk down the street and enjoy the little details, feel comfortable in my skin, enjoy the weather. And NOT think about what everyone else might be thinking.

I’m working on it.

I have been handing out promos. Or not handing out, just carefully placing them around the city. Promos for my blog. outside + inside. Those are Pagemaker screenshots. You have to imagine it like a folder. The big heart is the front page. And then with different pictures on the inside of course. I made them at work. On Tuesday, when my boss was gone and I didn’t have anything to do. I also made a card for Meredith. A PDF of it. Again, you have to imagine it’s a card. With the Bush drawing on the front page. And just for the record, Meredith brought up the titty-bar, it wasn’t something I just grabbed out of the blue and inappropriately put on a card for her.

Maybe I should start making cards. Plume’s custom greeting cards. Could be big business. Or not.

Now I’m off to enjoy my weekend. Hope you all have a good one.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=31

1. Anne Says:
   May 21st, 2005 at 0:52 e

   Godt gået - det er flot, at du hele tiden prøver, hvor grænserne går her og nu.

2. meredith Says:
   May 21st, 2005 at 5:47 e

   good for you for taking chances. i’m so proud. and i love ya. and thank you again for the card. :)

Bonbon-Mots

Sometimes I’m afraid that when I’ll finally be ready to talk, people will have stopped listening.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=30

1. meredith Says:
   May 20th, 2005 at 2:56 e

   dammit. did my comment get sucked into a black hole???

Thinner, Thicker

The weather is schizophrenic these days. One moment it’s warm and sunny. Like summer. And then suddenly the clouds come rolling in.

Just for a little rainshower. Then the sun comes back.

It was hailing yesterday even. Fairly big hails. Hail is like snow gone bad. It’s snow’s evil twin. Somewhere in the sky a dimensional portal has opened up and all the evil hail is rushing out with only one goal: to strike fear in man.

Dear diary, I was so tired yesterday that I forgot to tell you a couple of things. I forgot to tell you that I had the chance to study the cute bargirl a little. I was waiting for my lemonade, and she was doing dishes in the back. She had a nice pair of earrings. And I think those sort of dread things in her hair are gone. Her hair isn’t totally straight, just sort of frayed now. Or something like that. I love the colour of her hair though. Beautiful. She was reaching up for a cupboard, which made her shirt ride up. I could see a bit of her waist and hip. She is quite pale. And slender.

Dear diary, I wonder what it feels like to be slender? I almost can’t imagine being thin. It must be strange. I wonder if thin people look down and think to themselves “wow, I’m really thin”. They would probably appreciate it more if they had ever been fat.

I also forgot to tell you about the nice, little boy at the playground yesterday. I was bringing leaves and branches to Mathilde and the other goats. And he came up to me and asked if he could help me. “Of course” I said. He thought I worked at the playground. People seem to keep thinking that. Maybe if I keep going I will make everyone think I work there and they will just have no choice but to hire me. It’s a plan. Like Kramer did in Seinfeld. Or was it George? I can’t remember now. But anyway, just show up for work even though you don’t work there. That was Kramer, right? But George got fired and pretended it was a joke.

Sorry, sometimes my mind tends to wander. He was a nice little boy. He told me about another one of the boys, a boy who was always mean to the animals. At school too. But this little boy said “but I’m always good to the animals, that’s why they like me”. From the mouths of babes.

Today was my last therapy session at the anxiety clinic. I celebrated by working up the courage to ask Tanja if it would be okay for me to take a picture of her.

“Of me? Okay, where do you want me?”

No reason to worry.

And I’m glad I got the picture. I want to remember her. She has been good to me. I have made quite a bit of progress. And I have been happy with her.

After the summer vacation I will start group sessions. That will be scary. But we talked about that today too. “High risk situations” and how to avoid relapses. Situations like moving out on my own. Like starting the group sessions. Situations where I’m at risk. Where relapses are possible. And how to handle that. It’s important to keep going now. I’ll be on my own with the exercises for a while. But I must keep at it.

We have made a plan of things I should do over the summer. Things to practice. Goals and methods.

I would like to go see Star Wars in the cinema. I just wonder if this weekend will be too soon? I don’t want it to be totally overcrowded. But I’m looking forward to seeing it.

I rounded the day off with a nice time at the playground. I swear to god, sitting in the sunshine with the lambs lying in the grass in the distance, Magnethe lying right behind me, Mads standing next to me and Mathilde next to him… it’s beautiful. I feel the need to swear. Cover your ears children.

It’s FUCKING beautiful.

Especially since Mads calmed a little down. It’s hard to enjoy an idyllic moment when he’s trying to chew me up. But he chilled out and was just standing next to me while I nuzzled his neck. Mathilde was grassing. Magnethe relaxing. And I was just sitting there, feeling happy and at ease. I should have had a blanket and just lied down and relaxed there.

The lambs were being a bit naughty too, though.

They kept running out on the little parking lot next to the grass. I was worried they’d start finding their way out to the road, like the goats did a couple of days ago. So I went after them and picked one of them up and carried him back to mama sheep. And then the other one would come sprinting back too, because they are after all inseperable. It happened three times I think. And it happened once with Magnethe. Of course I didn’t mind, because I got to pick them up and carry them around. Which is a lot of fun. Even though they are getting big now. It’s hard on my back. But who cares, carrying a lamb or a goat kid, what’s not to like?

And later they relaxed in the sun of course.

I picked up Magnethe a few times while I was sitting down too. She’s so wonderful. I would hug her so tight if I wasn’t afraid I’d crush her. But just holding her close, it’s so sweet. I wish she’d never grow too big for that.

One of my favourite things too. When they get their legs up on me. Sometimes they start poking me. It’s fun. And I can grab their leg and pretend like I’m shaking their hands.

I was holding out a branch for Mathilde and Magnethe wanted to eat from it too. It was too high for her though. And before I could lower it Magnethe went up on her hind legs. And then she was waving her front legs around in the air. I took a hold of them. Can you picture it? Magnethe was standing upright on her hind legs, her front legs in my hand. And she was eating from the branch. Sweet. If I had put some music on and started moving around then I would have been dancing with her.

Dear diary, sometimes I fear I might be going crazy.

Mathilde was tied down again. But she seemed happier than yesterday. Apart from that one time when Magnethe was running out in the parking lot. That was why I went and picked up Magnethe and brought her back. Mathilde was baahing and walking around in circles. She seemed stressed that she couldn’t go with Magnethe.

But I brought back Magnethe and then everything was fine again.

I do hope they don’t have to keep her tied up all the time. Maybe I should ask the people at the playground if they can untie her when I’m around? I can keep a watch over them so they don’t go running out on the parking lots and roads. And then Mathilde wouldn’t have to be tied up for so long.

Maybe I’ll try to talk to them about it. It would be nice to do that for Mathilde. And to get more involved at the playground. I’ll see.

That’s all for today. Tomorrow my social worker is coming to Kulturgyngen for a meeting with Sanne and I. Hope that will go well. And then later that day I shall be swooning over the second-to-last episode of the Lost season. And after that there is a live Brøndby game on the telly.

Dear diary, life ain’t bad.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=29

1. Katherine Says:
   May 19th, 2005 at 8:05 e

   Magnethe is a Goat Princess. She looks like royalty. Confident royalty.

Pot of the World

A pretty tired day today. Since Monday was a holiday that means Tuesday is a Monday. And Mondays are always tired.

Maybe I should have bought some pot.

Is African pot good stuff?

I have had nice dreams lately. Strange, nice, potty dreams. In fact I woke up in the middle of the night a couple of days ago and I wanted to make sure that I remembered my dream so I could write about it. It was obviously something important. It was something about the TV-show Lost. And I wrote “lost” on my hand. And the next morning… I remember nothing. Typical. I wonder what happened in the dream.

I do remember being on vacation with my parents. And seeing a band called System of a Down. But not the famous System of a Down. No, it was some local garage band called System of a Down. They were good though.

There was also a girl who said “I know what lawyer semen tastes like”. But I’m not sure what that was all about.

Fire and brimstone?

Nice summery day. Some of the time at least.

After work I went to the playground. Naturally. Spent a couple of hours there almost. Soothing.

I hadn’t even gotten on the grounds before I heard the girls shouting “the guy who takes pictures is coming”.

And sure enough, they immediately came up to me and wanted me to take a picture.

Cute little rugrats.

And then a little while later two of them came up to me and asked if they could borrow my camera again. Everybody loves to take pictures of animals I guess. I let them have the camera and just sat down and hung out with the animals, while the girls ran around and took pictures. Like these:

They snapped a few of me too.

Haha. Mads sneaked up on me there. I was just cuddling White for a bit. And then suddenly Mads poked his head over my shoulder. I didn’t even hear him come up to me.

Hmmm, wait a minute! What’s going on there? Damn kids!

Haha.

With the help of some nice livejournal people I have found that Mads is a pygmy. While Mathilde and Magnethe are boers, of course.

Although I am suspecting that maybe Mads is just a boer in disguise…

He was rolling around in the ashes. Maybe that’s how he got his colours. Or not.

Black must have rolled in the ashes for ages!

Mathilde was tied up again. Poor girl. Especially when it started raining. Oh dear. Mads and Magnethe immediately ran back to their house for cover. And Mathilde wasn’t too happy. She tried a couple of times if she could pull herself free. But she couldn’t. I wanted to let her go, but I don’t want to get in trouble with the guys there. So I just stayed with her and kept her company. I kept bringing her leaves. Broke off some branches from the trees that were out of her reach. Had her eating off them. Luckily the rain didn’t last too long. Soon Mads and Magnethe was back. But Mathilde wasn’t too happy, no. A couple of times when I was stroking she pushed me away. She didn’t run though, it’s not like how she is around other people. Just sort of a “I’m upset, don’t cuddle me right now” gesture.

It’s always a little easier when you feed her.

Magnethe was more ready for cuddles. Luring her with a few leaves. She’ll put her legs up on me and get the leaves. And then I GRAB her and hug her tight and never let her go. For a little. She’s so cute still.

Cute little girl.

Nipping away at the carrots. She’s so cuddly. And a lot of fun.

I’m much too tired now. Time to go. Tomorrow is my last therapy session. And on Thursday I have a meeting with my social worker. The fun never stops.

Must go sleep now.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=28

1. Maile Says:
   May 18th, 2005 at 8:48 e

   i wish i knew what lawyer semen tasted like… hmmm. heh. thanks for another picture of black. i want to take him home with me. i have a soft spot for the dark loud obnoxious ones, just like me!

Suicidal Fish #2

I love Mutts.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=27

Everyone Is Going Fetal

Added an old rant about neopets commercialism and some random stuff to plume.dk.

I would like to recommend a music video. Carpark North - Human. As seen on DR’s site.

It’s a really cool video. Unfortunately it’s webstreaming quality. You really should see it on TV. But unless you live in Europe that probably isn’t likely. But interesting stuff. Super slomo muscles and faces twitching. The kids in it are great.

Chris: Yes, the banner is mine. It’s actually a sunrise, not a sunset. It was cropped from the picture here. I’m quite happy with how it turned out. It feels “right”. I like it.

Happy weekend everybody.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=26

27 And Invincible

I had the best day today. Two proper conversations. Sitting in the sun with the goats. Holding Magnethe. Letting Mathilde sniff my face. Mads sleeping in the sand. Beautiful summertime. Laughing.

When I was going to the playground an old lady stopped me. She recognised me from the playground. “Aren’t you the guy who takes pictures at the playground?” she asked. And I confirmed. And we talked a little about the animals. About my pictures. She said I should give some of the pictures to the playground so they could hang them up on their boards. They have a digital camera themselves, but the old lady said that my pictures would be better. Aww. She was really nice. I’ve seen her at the playground a few times. Sometimes with her dog. It was nice talking to her. And sort of amazing to be able to do it without feeling any fear. I can actually talk to strangers. Wonderful.

It’s so great to have a subject like animals to talk about.

She wished me a happy Whitsun. Whitsuntide? Something like that.

Maybe I will talk to the people at the playground, ask them if they can use some of my pictures. Especially the series of Magnethe from when she was two days old and to now. The lady mentioned that. So she must have talked to the people at the playground and they must have told her that I had those pictures. They have actually been talking about me there! Isn’t that something. And positive talk, too.

At the playground I talked to Kurt quite a bit.

And he was playing around with those two kids too. Lot of fun. And a really good talk we had. I can’t remember the last time I had such a nice, long, normal conversation. He’s a great guy.

We talked about the goats. Of course.

Mathilde was tied up.

That made me a little sad at first. Why would they tie up her? She’s the good one, Mads is the instigator. Kurt told me that yesterday the goats had been going out on the road. Not the road right next to the playground. No, they had crossed over parts of the ghetto slum and then out on the road on the other side. The police had come. So they had been wandering a lot. I didn’t go to the playground yesterday. For once. Maybe they had gone looking for me? Nah. But anyway, the reason why Mathilde was tied and not Mads is that Mads just won’t have it. If you tie him up then he’s going to be wailing all day. He sees himself as the big guy, the master of the place. He wouldn’t accept being tied down without making a stink about it. Mathilde on the other hand, she doesn’t make a sound. She just sort of goes “well okay, I’ll stay here”. And the goats always stay together so that means they don’t go wandering.

I guess it makes sense. It’s not like Mathilde seemed unhappy at all.

She’s a boer goat. Boer goats have an association. It’s like a million Mathildes. Hehe. I guess Mads isn’t a boer goat. Don’t know what he is.

We talked about boer goats. How they make good pets. Kurt told me that he had a bunch of them at home. And every day when he came home they rushed out to see him, surrounding him, some of them climbing up on him. Sounds like a lot of fun.

We also talked about another playground. In Gellerup. That’s the biggest ghetto slum. They just had three new goat kids at that playground. I might try if I can find it, would be fun. Their goats aren’t as tame though. You have to start picking them up and getting them used to people from they’re first born. I guess they don’t do that at the other playground. Magnethe is so incredibly cuddly and easy to be around because she’s been held and snuggled all her life. Mads too. They didn’t do that with Mathilde, that’s why she’s so shy now. But Kurt complimented me on my connection with her too. He said I was good with her. That’s always so nice to hear.

I got really close with her today. I let her sniff around my face. She almost licked me. And we just had our faces really close, looking at each other. Very sweet.

And Mads sneezed me in the face! Hah. Luckily it wasn’t a very wet sneeze. It made Kurt and the kids laugh a lot. And me too.

We agreed that it was such a nice and peaceful scene. The goats picking out places in the sunshine and just relaxing.

It’s like seeing a cat pick out a sunspot and dozing off.

Mads did doze off. Pretty much.

He was lying there with his eyes closed. And a sort of deep snoring breathing. I don’t think he was fast sleep though, I made a noise with my camera and he sprang to attention. But damn he looks nice and comfy.

Magnethe has started taking carrots.

Her mouth is still too small though. But it’s adorable when she gets a piece like that and starts chewing and chewing. It’s also fun to hold on to the piece of carrot and let her gnaw at it. Her teeth are still growing in I guess, she can’t just maul it apart like Mathilde and Mads.

She’s so great. I half picked her up a couple of times. I was sitting down. And pulled her up so I could hug her tight. It’s so sweet. She’s getting too big to be picked up though. She won’t stand for it too long, then her legs start kicking around and she wants to get off.

I love sitting there in the sunshine with the goats. It’s bliss.

Kurt wished me a happy whitsun too. It’s weekend now. And Monday is a holiday. I can’t see the goats again untill Tuesday. Darn.

I told Kurt that I lived in Ryhaven. He said I could almost keep goats there. Hah. I doubt they’d be too happy about that. Since they don’t even allow cats and dogs. It would be awesome to have Mads, Mathilde and Magnethe walking around in my back yard though. Maybe I should look for an appartment where I can have a couple of boer goats living with me.

If only.

I feel good about myself. Nice to try that.

And oh my, a blast from the musical past.

Listening: Bright Eyes - An Attempt to Tip the Scales

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=25