Least Of All Me

Suicidal Fish #12 (click to see big version)

PS. I still love Mutts.

Poor fishy.

Yesterday I was lucky enough to see the goats. That usually never happens in the weekends. But the place was open when I went shopping.

So I went inside to say hello. And now the funny pictures.

Mads is eating hay. Hilarious, eh? No no, not yet. Seconds after I took that picture he got up on his hind legs and stood up against the wall to eat more hay. So I figured I’d take a picture of that too. But just as I pressed the button…

What happened? Mads somehow grabbed the entire pack of hay and ripped it up out of the holder and down on the floor. That’s Mads for ya, when there’s food around he gets crazy.

And then he gorged on the lovely hay. Well done, Mads!

He cracks me up.

Also cute dogs from a couple of days ago:

If that picture doesn’t make you yawn then you must be superhuman. But then all my pictures probably make you yawn. Ah, nothing like self-deprecating humour.

Getting ready to play.

And he’s off!

Bongi rolling in the grass. That upset Pernille. Apparently the dogs aren’t allowed to roll around like that because they get all dirty and smelly. As I understood it. Pernille is formerly known as Alice, by the way. I’m not always good at catching people’s names.

New additions to the site: links.html – copyright.html – signs.html

Did you know that it’s not necessary to put a “copyright” sign on your page/picture/poem etc? It has no effect. If you write something then you have the rights to it, no matter if you put a (c) at the bottom or not. Interesting, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!

Just nod politely.

That’s all. Weekend almost over. It’s the circle of life. Apparently.

Listening: Tina Dickow – Nobody’s Man (I am hooked on this song. Go here and click it to listen to a long sample).

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 14th, 2005 at 21:40 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. larry brown is a skank Says:
   August 15th, 2005 at 4:39 e

   ahhh plume the power of christ compells you to remove all those pictures of the i from your panties gallery, ive become uncomfortably suspicious that the mother looks at stuff on my computer and in my infinite state of paranoia, have become paranoid that she will somehow see it and conclude that i’m in some sex cult which i may or may not be in but dont want her to know or think about it in any way. also my friend keeps talking about my father and his package and it’s super disturbing, i think im gonna explode from some kind of child-parent sexual uncomfortableness soon.

2. perro Says:
   May 21st, 2006 at 7:57 e

   perro

Doodlebug

One thing I forgot yesterday was to thank you all for the comments about the group therapy. Your support always means a lot to me. There are two things, I think, that has been important in changing my life to the better. Meeting Skye, of course. And starting my diaryland diary. Those are two of the “life-changing” moments I recall.

So thank you for the support, and for the experiences you share with me in turn. No matter how alone I am, I’m never alone.

But I don’t want to get sentimental. So here is the stuff I have done today:

Updated the panties section finally. Thanks to the lovely Dylan for contributing. That page still makes me smile. At least when it’s updated.

And then I added the scans section. Moved all my scans from my old site. And made some new ones. Most interesting is probably my old class photo where you can see Tina Dickow (6th from left middle row) and Dea Lillelund (2nd fom left bottom row), the musicians. And me, the dork. Third from the right on the top row. More information on the scans page.

Also this doodle I made at work a couple of days ago. I wish I could draw for realz. But the funny bit is that I put the doodle in my pocket (sounds almost erotic, doesn’t it?) and went to the playground. And then Mathilde got in my pocket and grabbed the paper and almost ate it. Hehe. But check out the scans page for childhood photos and other strange things.

That’s all. Funny pictures coming tomorrow. Hope you’re all having a breezeful weekend.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 13th, 2005 at 22:04 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Grant Says:
   August 14th, 2005 at 17:20 e

   It has been a pleasure to read your diary all the way from diaryland. Miss you there in face. It hasn’t been the same there without you and a few others. Well take care as always.

2. milla Says:
   August 15th, 2005 at 10:24 e

   No sweat, dear Plume ;) It’s always a pleasure to read your blog (previously diary) and comment on here :) We fishies should exchange some valuable knowledge and support each other, right? ;)

   Bacci,
   Mills

In Harry Smith’s Room In The Chelsea Hotel

I set the alarm clock to wake me up 20 minutes early today. So I could take a nice, long shower. Sitting down and letting the water cascade down on me. It’s a good way to start the morning. Although it’s always a little dilemma. How are the 20 minutes best spent? Sleeping or under the waterfall? If only I could sleep in the shower…

It was a grey, grey morning. Typical Danish summer. The bus packed full of morning zombies. Not many smiles, no one talking. The earlier the hour, the less alive people are.

I had the pumpkins running on my mp3 player. Closed my eyes and drifted away to the music. I don’t usually close my eyes for longer periods of time in the bus. Security behaviour. I must know what stop we are at, how close we are to my stop. Even after taking the same bus a 100 times I still get a little tingling sensation in my stomach when my stop is up. Do I press the button? I usually wait as long as possible to see if someone else is getting off, if someone else will press the button first. I don’t know why, exactly. It makes more sense to do it when I’m taking the bus somewhere new and I’m not completely sure where I have to get off. It sort of feels like letting someone else take the responsibility. Letting someone else make the decision so I don’t have to.

The internet was down at work. That always sucks. What am I supposed to do, actually work?!

No, but seriously. I like having google open in the background. When others go for a cigarette break or a cup of coffee I’ll go and read my friendlist on livejournal or some newsgroups or the fuselage or whatever. Without internet I feel trapped, trapped in the reality of a grey Friday morning.

For some reason I found myself thinking of Fawlty Towers, specifically the sentence “it matters not one wit”, spoken in one of the episodes. I wasn’t sure if it was “one wit” or “one width” or “one with”. Didn’t know the phrase. With google down I had no way of finding out. Not that it mattered one wit. Hæhæ.

Not much else of interest happened. Ronny quit. He has been gone for days. Apparently he didn’t feel the job was right for him, so he stayed away. Came in for a meeting today and at the end of that he shook everybody’s hand and left for good.

In other cast news: Anders has been updated with a (poor) picture. And Pablo has been added (with a poor picture too), although he isn’t likely to be featured much in the blog since he doesn’t work in our office.

I have already mentioned that Anders seems nice. My impression of him so far is really good. He actually said “D’oh” yesterday. As Homer Simpson does. He didn’t say it in a conversation about the Simpsons, he wasn’t quoting. He was using d’oh in a normal conversation. That’s awesome. And he uses usenet for research. And he listens to some interesting ambient music that I cannot identify. It’s pretty far from my usual taste but it sounded good, really. We had to turn off our computers while Nicolai was trying to get the net running, and Anders offered me a section of his newspaper if I wanted it. I turned it down though and read some Poe instead.

But yes, I only have good things to say about him. Smart, funny, nice, good taste in lots of stuff. I hope he stays with us for a while.

I’m interested in dark and strange music ie. neofolk (folk noir), noise, black metal, ambient and progressive rock ..
Besides that I’m interested in litterature, culture, fine arts, old cult movies, movies in general etc.

Neat. I look up to him. Literally, too. He’s tall.

Ooh, this is the song he was playing. Coil – Sex With Sun Ra (Part 1 Saturnalia). It was pretty cool. Maybe I should check eet out. I could use a more mature taste in music.

Sun Ra sounds pretty interesting.

On my way home from work someone was playing 50 Cent in the bus. Why is it always the people with bad taste in music that turn their stuff up loud so everyone else has to hear it?

It just makes me smile inside when some pasty-white Danish kid is listening to 50 Cent in a city bus in Århus on a grey Friday. But hey, I’m listening to Billy Corgan and it’s not like I’m a hip Chicago beatnik. Maybe I make others smile.

Smiling is good for the soul, anyway.

Happy weekend t’yall.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 12th, 2005 at 22:52 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Security Alert!

I promised to tell about the first group therapy session yesterday. So here goes.

I was sitting in the bus, on my way to the clinic, and getting nervous. Heart beating faster. Shortness of breath. Stressed head. But I got it under control. It didn’t get too bad. My first therapy sessions have helped me to identify the situations where I get anxiety, and to deal with them. Recognise the automatic negative thoughts and replace them with alternative realistic thoughts.

Negative automatic thought: I can’t do this, it’s going to be too hard, they’ll all hate me.
Realistic thought: I have done hard things before. It’s going to be fine, we all have the same problems and we’re there to help each other.

You get the gist. That’s one of the best things I have gotten from the first therapy sessions. Being conscious about what’s happening and having tools to change the processes in my head. Not letting fear rule me.

Got to the clinic. Went to the waiting room. All the chairs were taken. Just outside the room there were two chairs, one of them taken by another guy. I sat down beside him and stared down the hallway. Waiting. Only had to wait for a minute though. I made sure not to arrive too early. That’s what we call “security behaviour”. Staring down the hall is security behaviour too. Sort of… defensive reactions. Things we use to cope. The most extreme form of security behaviour is complete avoidance. If I had stayed home and not gone to the group therapy that would have been the ultimate security behaviour, avoiding the situation. A mild form of security behaviour could be to not look someone in the eye when you talk to them. Or bringing someone with you when you go somewhere. Or having a cell phone with you always. Security behaviour isn’t really wrong, unless it starts interfering with your life. For example if you can’t go anywhere without bringing someone with you. That’s obviously a problem.

Here endeth the lesson about security behaviour. Fascinating eh?

So our therapist arrives to get us. Signe is her name. Older than my old therapist. I have seen her before. I have had two preliminary meetings with her. One before the first therapy sessions. And one before these group sessions.

She led us all into the meeting room. Chairs in a circle. For some reason that strikes me as scary.

A guy is already sitting in the room. Nicolai. He is the co-therapist. Although for this first meeting he is only taking notes. After each session we will get the written highlights mailed to us so we can study them at home, when we have more time and privacy to think about things.

Signe calls him Jonas at first. He corrects it. They haven’t met each other before. Not exactly the best start to a session. Having our two therapists out of sync.

There are 6 of us. 4 women and one guy + me. The women are older than me. They seem like fairly typical middleaged family mothers. The guy is the same age as me. And funnily enough he is called Lasse too. What a coincidence. When we go around the circle and introduce ourselves I say my full name, like everyone else. And Signe asks me if I’m ever called Linno. Or Lasse Linno. I say no, and wonder why she asked. Had she heard about some freak called Lasse Linno? But she was just trying to see if I had a nickname I could use so we could avoid confusion between the Lasses.

Signe is standing by the wall. There’s a blackboard. Only it’s not black, it’s the white sort where you write with a felt pen or so. Is that still called a blackboard?

She tells us about different kind of phobias. Writes a list. Social phobia, which we all have. Agoraphobia. General anxiety. Panic attacks. Single phobias etc. We go around the circle and see what other phobias fit us. Almost all of us have the single phobia “fear of heights”. I have that. I also get a check by “depression” although I have that pretty beat.

After all that Signe draws a form on the blackboard. The good old one. Goes sort of like this:

Situation – Symptoms/feelings – Negative automatic thoughts / Disaster thoughts – Security behaviour

I have worked a lot with that already. You fill it in. The situation. What were you feelings and symptoms? Typically I would have the heartbeat, breathing harder, sweating, stressed mind. Negative automatic thoughts are often about what other people think of me. Judging me. That was the same with the others. Almost everyone said something about being afraid of being judged by others. Feeling like you’re different or strange or inferior. And security behaviour, well I think I have covered that. What do you do in the situation etc.

So we go around the circle and fill in a situation for every person. We had the choice of either picking our morning or when we sat in the waiting room. So the fears we talked about were the fears connected to going to this therapy.

It’s a two hour session. That’s one of the hard parts for me. Being in a room with strangers for that long. The bright side is that because we are 6 people sharing the spotlight it means that I’m not in focus for as long as I am in one hour of single therapy.

We get a 10 minute break in the middle. I go to the bathroom and then outside to get some fresh air. And stretch the legs. I’m not good at sitting still for that long.

When I filled out the form on the blackboard one of my negative thoughts was “I can’t do this, I can’t get through it”. I have been in one of these group sessions before and I felt so completely horrible. And I never came back, didn’t go to any more sessions. That must be a couple of years ago. I’m much stronger now. But you still have that doubt. Can I make it this time? One of the other women had the same negative thoughts. Signe wanted to explore that further.

So I had to do that. Explore those thoughts on the blackboard. That was hard too. Getting more focus than everyone else. But this is what it’s all about of course. Dealing with your feelings and learning. So I can’t complain.

It all went by pretty fast really. The two hours. It was draining and hard, but also a good experience. Finding out that I can do this. I can get through it and I will learn things I can use.

I couldn’t really relate much to the other people though. Like I said, the women seemed like normal family mothers. People with normal lives. And the other Lasse told about how it was hard to talk about social phobia with his “guy mates”. I think I’m the only one who doesn’t have mates or normal family or anything. The only one who is really isolated like I am. And it seemed like it was easier for them all to talk in the group. But of course I don’t know what is going on inside them, I’m sure it’s not really easy.

I did okay mostly, when I had to talk. That last bit where I had to dig a little deeper and see why I was thinking that I couldn’t make it, that was hard and I stumbled a little over my words. And I did worry every time we had to go around the circle and talk. I always sit and worry about my turn. When the person next to you is talking and you know you’re next. That’s when you start feeling the panic. “What am I going to say? What am I going to say? WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?!?”. But then when you do get the turn it isn’t really that bad.

Therapists seemed nice. Other people seemed nice. And now I have tried it. I have been there, seen the people, talked in front of them. Now the uncertainty of the new situation is gone. Familiarity can start to settle in. I don’t think it will get easy exactly, but it will start to get better.

So here’s to hoping it will help. It’s kind of nice to see that social phobia is such a normal thing. That I’m not a complete freak. I don’t remember the numbers but Signe were telling us about how many people suffered from some form of phobia. And it was a pretty big number. So we’re not alone.

It’s different for everyone though. The people in the group, it’s not like we have experienced the same things and have the exact same fears. I’m not really allowed to talk about the other people of course. But even though one person has it one way and another has it another way, it’s still rooted in the same basic stuff. The social phobia, the way our minds are working. On a basic level that’s still the same. And I guess it’s the same for a lot of people. Like people who are “just” afraid of spiders or heights or dogs or whatever. On the basic level it’s probably not so different. The difference is that you can live a pretty normal life even if you’re scared of spiders. But if you’re afraid of other people then it sort of complicates things.

Hmm, maybe I should be Spiderman, living among spiders.

Yes… That’s all. I’m sorry if this is a bit boring. If it’s too long or too technical about the therapy or the phobia stuff. But it’s good for me to get it written down. It gets sorted out in my head too. My blog is my therapist. I hope Signe won’t be upset that I’m seeing other people.

Thank you for listening.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 10th, 2005 at 22:11 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Anne Says:
   August 10th, 2005 at 23:26 e

   Flot

2. Florida Girl Says:
   August 11th, 2005 at 2:06 e

   Congrats on making it through your first group session! Nice job. :)

3. Katherine Says:
   August 11th, 2005 at 6:39 e

   I admire your courage doing group therapy because anything in groups is not easy and probably everyone is afraid the same ways socially but we’re so good at masking our fears. Everyone wears a mask…it’s how we survive I guess. It’s kind of sad because animals, as you know, tend not to wear masks..and children don’t wear them either, though they soon learn how to. Life would be so much better if we all accepted what is true in our natures…that none of us are that strong, that we share the same or similar fears, that we all judge and are afraid of judgements. (Except have you ever noticed that really obnoxious, loud, annoying people seem to have no fear of judgement? AND THEY’RE THE ONES WHO SHOULD. haha.)

   PS: It is called a whiteboard…probably the only logical thing next to blackboard in the English language.

4. milla Says:
   August 11th, 2005 at 12:24 e

   Hi! :) I want to also congratulate you with this session :) You go, Plume :) Actually, the weird thing is, that the women sitting there and that guy were probably thinking to themselves: ‘oh, this guy is not as worried as me, he speaks pretty good about what’s going on inside’. It’s this funny thing about group therapy, I’ve talked to some ppl about it and I get the same answers, everyone thinks that other ppl are a lot more relaxed or have more things that make their life complete. My first session was kinda horrible, cuz I had to tell everyone what kind of problems I have, what I expect from the sessions and sit in a small room during the sessions with a bunch of ppl… And later on the guys there said, that I did great. And I was sooo worried, but that brought relief. And there is another thing to mention… My consultant told me that most of these psychological problems come from our childhood. So there was this one woman, who had a pretty good job and a nice guy by her side, but felt like a little scared girl inside… So actually, it’s not always all about the age. But it’s funny how familiar I am with the thought that other ppl’s lives are more complete. There was this one guy, who wanted to get more motivated and during those 6 weeks met lots of friends, went to concerts and stuff. And I felt like I was living on a deserted island, cuz I had no health or mood to communicate with anybody, to go out. But after the sessions I made some new friends, started to go out more & more, got a different outlook on a lot of stuff (life included) and realized, that being among those ppl, that suffer, but are not giving up and trying there best to stay afloat, helped me a lot with getting more confident, strong and sociable. One girl actually was in a worse situation then I, but she always hoped for a better tomorrow, doing everything step by step and enjoying the smallest things. I became a thinker, always thinking what other ppl were thinking about me, what to say and whever it was right. Plume, get those thoughts out of your mind! It’s the best thing just to say what’s on your mind, what you feel like and just live in the moment. Believe me, those ppl understand you and are in the same boat, just in different parts of it.

   I wish you the best of luck ol’ man! (haha, caught it from someone else on here;)

   Bacci,
   Mills

Happy Birthday 2 U

Hi guys. I just flew in, and boy are my arms tired!

But seriously folks. I am drained. The first group therapy session is done. And it wasn’t easy. But it went well. I’ll get right back to that.

First…

Happy birthday Skye!

She’s 22 today.

Sometimes I forget that we aren’t together anymore. We talk every day. We have this weird connection. We still care about each other a lot. She’s still the most important person in my life. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that we broke up. Easier than remembering.

I guess I still see her as my great love. Although I’m not sure how healthy that is. Living in the past does not improve the future. But what can you do… No matter what, she will always be very special to me. Without her I would have never come this far. All this therapy and happiness and animals, all the good. She’s the one that pulled me out of the dark and into the light.

So happy birthday, my NL ex.

Like I said, I’m drained. I think I’ll write about the therapy tomorrow. The cliff notes: It went well, I got through and I’m optimistic about the future.

Now, here’s how I calmed my nerves:

The playgound. Kids borrowed my camera.

Mathilde and White continued their feud. They were ramming each other like crazy. So much that one of the kids rain in and told the adults about it. She came back with the message “just let them fight”. Hehe. I told the kids too, no one’s getting hurt. But it does look quite dramatic when they charge each other.

And some classic Mads vs Me:

“Do you have any food for me?”

“Okay, no food for me. Your hair looks yummy though.”

“If you won’t let me eat your hair then I’ll just rest my leg on your shoulder. That’ll teach you.”

Mads is fun in a bottle. The other day I heard the adults telling some kids about the time when Mads came to the playground. He’s two years old. Even when he was a little kid he was the same spunky charmer, taking charge and jumping over fences. I’d give anything to see him as a little adorable kid. He must have been so cute.

I wish I had started going to the playground years ago. Seeing Mads and Mathilde grow up, that would have been great. Who is this guy though? Maybe it’s Mathilde’s mother. It’s from 2003.

Anyway, that’s enough of that. Tune in tomorrow to witness the retconning of my psyche.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 9th, 2005 at 21:49 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Anne Says:
   August 10th, 2005 at 1:28 e

   Tillykke fra mig også – til Skye og til dig. Du er bare så heldig at komme fra et kæresteforhold med en rigtig ven. Det er faktisk sjældent, tro mig. Og hun vil altid være noget helt specielt.

Gimme Gimme Gimme

The week is underway. Not much to report yet. Tomorrow is the big day, group therapy. Today is just treading water.

New guy started at our office. Nicolai. He pretty much sat down and disappeared behind a computer. Didn’t say anything. So I can’t comment on him yet. I updated the cast list. Anders. Nicolai. Bailey & Bongi. Tatiana. Nothing too interesting. Tatiana is pretty cute. Maybe if things don’t work out with Heidi, the cute bargirl, then I can crush on Tatiana for a few years instead.

And one day I’ll talk to a girl! I swear!

Speaking of my DVD collection, I updated my Amazon wishlist. In case you want to help me expand the collection. Now far be it from me to tell you to buy me Deep Space 9 ($636) or TNG ($583) or even Friends ($209). That would be crazy. So I’m not going to do that. I’m not even going to mention it.

In less material news, I had a grand time at the playground today. It was raining, so the goats were in their usual spot.

That’s where they usually hang out when it rains. That or inside their own house.

It’s a nice place to sit down. I’ll sit on that wooden plank. And pet Mads while I watch the rain falling. It’s not exactly summery, but it’s a good feeling. Cleansing. The sound of falling rain. Magnethe sitting down, looking at me lazily. Mathilde gnawing at the fence. Mads rubbing himself against me.

This is inside the goat house. Mads didn’t dare to follow me out in the rain. But Magnethe and Mathilde did. I sat down there against the wall. You can see there is almost no room. Mathilde and Magnethe were literally walking all over me, back and forth. It was much fun. Also a little scary though. Mathilde is a big goat. She could knock my teeth out if I was unlucky.

But I love it. They are always fun to be around.

And when I left they followed me. Even though it was still raining a little. I can’t help but smile when I start walking, and then I turn my head and there I have three goats following me. I feel like the leader of the gang.

Mathilde was having it off with White again. Those two don’t get along for some reason. You’d be surprised how forceful White can be. He moves back and then he sprints forward and rams his head into Mathilde. It’s like a speeding train. And then Mathilde will dish it back. But they never get hurt. And they don’t really seem upset or anything. They will clash heads and then the next second they walk around each other like nothing has happened.

Fascinating.

But now I must go. Tomorrow is a big day. Group therapy. Scary. But I can do it, yes I can.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 8th, 2005 at 22:11 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. milla Says:
   August 9th, 2005 at 7:05 e

   Go Plume, go! You can do it, peace of cake ;)

The Voodoo That Dvdoo Do

Everybody should have a fairy godmother.

I’m just saying.

It’s Sunday, so time for everybody’s favourite suicide candidate.

Suicidal Fish #11 (click to see big version)

PS. I still love Mutts.

Did a site update. DVD collection. I was going to do more today, but ran out of time. Oh well. It’s not important. I want to redo the gallery too. Move it to Coppermine. Don’t know if I’ll ever get it done though. Gotta add other sections. And tidy up the site. I got my bill today. From the hosting place. Now it’s time to pay for all my fun.

No, now it’s time for bed. I think the thunderstorm has passed. Too bad. I like lying in the dark and listening to it. I don’t like when the night is all quiet. Then my imagination starts up and every little sound worries me. But if the wind is howling, the thunder is booming, or the rain is falling. Well, then I feel good. I guess when it’s silent then I feel more alone. For some reason.

Anyway, nitey nite!

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 7th, 2005 at 22:19 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Nobody Can Set You Free

It’s been a nice day today. I have done nothing important. But that’s okay. I enjoy the un-important things.

Life isn’t really important when you think about it. There is no goal to reach, no set standard to live up to. People say you shouldn’t waste your life, well who are they to define what is a waste? There would be less war, hate and crime if we just chilled out.

I would like to thank the people that left positive messages about yesterday’s pictures. Thank you. It made me feel better. When I said I needed human friends I meant in real life. Because online I have some pretty darn good ones.

One of the sweet, litte unimportant things that I am enjoying is my Simpsons season 5 box. That’s good time-wasting. Only one little thing annoys me. Whenever I put in a disc I have to go through one of those anti-piracy commercials. “You wouldn’t steal a car, would you?”. That really bothers me. I have bought 5 seasons of Simpsons. That’s a fair bit of money I have spent. And there are like, what? 25 seasons? A fair bit of money still to spend in the future. For a TV show that’s 10 years old. For a TV show that I have on VHS. For a TV show that I could easily download illegally for nothing. And I still have to sit through that thing. I bet you that the pirated versions don’t have those warnings. The pirates will have ripped them out. So it’s only the people who actually pay for the DVDs that have to feel incriminated. How would the FOX executives like it if every time they opened their car door they had to listen to a recorded message saying “Killing people is illegal. Please don’t run over people in your car. You wouldn’t kill people with a shotgun would you? So don’t run over people. Killing is murder”. It annoys me. I paid for the damn thing, I don’t want to sit through a “piracy is illegal” thing every time I turn it on. Do they think it’s going to stop any pirates? Go to ANY bittorrent site and I guarantee you can get Simpsons for free. And this thing really makes me want to just download season 6 when it comes out. It’s easy, it’s free and I won’t have to listen to anyone calling me a sinner. Except for my priest, but I don’t pay him so that’s okay.

Sorry. I got agitated.

It’s not important. It’s not important. It’s not important.

In other, more pleasant, news: Tina Dickow’s new CD went straight in as number one on the Danish charts. That’s really great. I have always seen her as more of an “artistic success” than a “commercial success”. I would like to live in a world where artistic succes always translated into commercial success too. Fat chance, though. Crazy Frog more likely.

In The Red is great though. Most of the reviews have been quite good too. One of them even said that Tina is best female songwriter Denmark has ever had. Wow. That ain’t not bad.

And that was going to be my Tina Dickow bit for today. Just ranting a little about how great she is etcetera. But then. Then I got an email. From Tina Dickow. Isn’t that something. I subscribe to her mailing list so I’ll sometimes get mail “FROM: Tina Dickow”. But this one came in my yahoo box. So I was like “whaaaa!?”. More or less.

No, but seriously. It was a really nice mail. She complimented my blog, my writing. My english. She said she wished she could write like that. That’s coming from the best ever Danish female songwriter! Haha. Crazy. When I learn to play my guitar then I will wish I could write songs like hers. Just goes to show how incredibly sweet she is.

And I gotta get tickets for November.

So I am all happy now. The mail almost go me crying, but in a good way. It still amazes me when people say positive things about me. It makes me happy, it makes me hope I can be something good. Something worthwhile. You guys, all you guys, make me feel that.

I was just telling Skye, apart from those 2-3 days last week I have barely been depressed the last 6-7 months. I am able to appreciate so many things. To actually feel happiness. It’s like everything is turned upside down. It used to be that I was sad always and that happiness came in little fleeting moments. Now I am if not happy, then at least okay. And depression comes only in little fleeting thoughts.

Happiness
More or less
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my, my

Cause I’m a lucky man.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 6th, 2005 at 22:06 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. larry brown is a skank Says:
   August 6th, 2005 at 22:38 e

   i have simpsons season 1 borrowed from a boy but then i got mad at him for stuff and so have been holding it hostage. it’s so creepy, everybody look weird in a shabby run-down kinda way, and i think the voice for burns or some other guy is this freakshow deep voice, wtf, ew, homer look scary and retarded, and bart isn’t sexy at all. boohoo. where do you find the money to buy all that. if i had that much, i’d buy a ton of food with it, and maybe some pants, in preparation for becoming really fat after i eat all that food, because i am wise and have great foresight.

Freaks And Goats

Aah weekend. It comes at just the right time. The last couple of days I have been tired and worn. But not depressed, and that’s what matters most. I’m feeling fine.

Not a lot have been going on. Working as usual. Then going to the playground for a while. Then home. That is my typical day.

Group therapy sessions start on Tuesday. I am not nervous yet. I’m sure it will come. But I’m also sure I can handle it. Now is the time to kick my social phobia’s ass.

Today a boy at the playground said that Mads and I were best friends. Hehe. I said yes. And he said “you’re best friend with an animal!?”. Yes. I could use some human friends. Hopefully I will be ready for that soon.

The goats aren’t bad friends though.

They’re good people, they’re kind people.

I wasn’t sure if I should put up the next picture. I look bad. Baad. But who cares. In my defence, I am dead tired, unshaven, dirty and so forth. It’s not me at my best. But then me at my best isn’t much better. I’m working on improving some things. But Magnethe will always be prettier.

She is the cutest thing.

Ever.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 5th, 2005 at 22:53 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Valja (aka the girl who sent you the postcard from Waikiki ages and ages and ages ago) Says:
   August 6th, 2005 at 0:50 e

   Plume, you don’t look bad. In fact, that’s an adorable picture. Really :)

2. Katherine Says:
   August 6th, 2005 at 5:00 e

   That is the absolute sweetest two pictures EVER! Animals make the greatest friends! Always there for us, always true and loyal. But let’s face it, those goats are picky, they don’t let everyone in to their hearts. They chose you…so go you! If they were that friendly with everyone, no one would comment about how friendly they are to you. I suspect some people might be little jealous.

   P.S. You have the kindest wisest eyes…

3. milla Says:
   August 6th, 2005 at 11:39 e

   I like the pictures too girls! ;) I’d say you could put the second picture in a magazine or something, cuz it’s very cute :)))

   Listen Plume, I’ve been to group therapy and I actually enjoyed it. At first it’s kinda weird, to talk about your problems to more then 2 eyes, but then after some time you get used to it and it’s like you get a huge weight off your chest. I met a lot of nice people, who had similar problems like mine and we all exchanged some pretty valuable advice ’bout how to cope with it all. There were also older people there, at first I was sceptical and wanted just a group for youth, if you could say so. But I learned that they are the best type of advisers and some of them have such a good sense of humour, it’s like therapy too :) I’m telling you, once you get used to that little community, you’ll actually learn to enjoy those sessions. We always used to eat candy, cookies and have tea or coffee at brakes, so it made me even more comfy.

   I wish you the best of luck dear Plume!!!

   Bacci,
   Mills

Stop Asking That

I’m back. Back on top of the world. Or at least out of depression again. It’s been a pretty good week so far. No sadness.

Skye theorized that maybe I was feeling sad because my parents were gone for 3 days. I’m a different person, being alone doesn’t make me happy any more? Maybe it’s true. I still really like the quiet. But being all alone, maybe that’s not the thing for me anymore.

My dad left early this morning. Back to Greenland. I probably won’t see him again until christmas. Now the house will be quiet again at least.

Things have been going well at work too. We’re a bit late with some things, but that just means there’s plenty to do. And I have been feeling less tired. Good to have stuff to keep you occupied.

We have a new guy. Anders. Of course I don’t really know him yet. It takes a long time for me to get comfortable around people. But so far he seems quite nice. And I feel more comfortable around him than I have with some of our other recent staff people. So that’s good. I helped him with the printer on his first day. And when I came in (a little late) today he noticed the book I had lying on my computer. “So you’re the one reading Poe?” he asked. Yes. Turns out he recently bought the same book. A different edition, but the same collection of short stories. And he mentioned that there were movie versions. With Vincent Price. Nice. So yes, so far so good. Judging from his website he is quite smart too. So smart that it’s intimidating. My brain is.. not… well.

It’s late and I’m tired. Must finish entry semi-quickly.

I have had good times at the playground.

With the goats.

And with the beautiful puppies.

I love them a lot. It seems Bongo is called Bongi. I’m not sure that’s the right spelling either. Bailey is my favourite though. Of course. When I look at him I see Skye’s dog, Sascha.

And so pretty he is.

The goats are still not too keen though. But I am.

Also I have been having a lot of fun with the kids. Very good times in fact. My camera is a big hit. Everyone wants to borrow it. So I go around and help them take pictures.

That boy was hogging the camera. He took pictures of EVERYTHING. Every time I said “now it’s someone else’s turn” he’d go “no no, just one more” and then he’d run off and take a bunch of new pictures. He actually filled up the entire memory card. I had to delete pictures so there’d be room for the other kids to have a go.

Ebony and ivory. The playground is right in one of the “troubled” areas. Lots of 2nd generation immigrants and low-status families. It’s great to see kids of all kinds of colours playing together. Having fun with the animals. We are more alike than different, that’s a lesson lots of grownups could need.

And I am welcomed too, even if I am slightly weird. I feel appreciated. One of the girls said I was “a nice man”. Aw. And a girl I hadn’t even talked to before asked me if I was going to come to the circus. Yes, there’s a circus tent on the field next to the playground now. They will open up on Friday. I’ll see if I can go, I don’t know the details yet. I haven’t been to the circus since I was… I don’t know, a little bittle kid.

I wish I had been around animals when I was a kid.

I spent a bunch of time with this here girl:

She was taking pictures. And walking with me. Talking with me.

She wanted to get into the bunny fold to take pictures, I had to lift her over the fence. She said I was strong. Hehe. I feel like a superhero. Superplume.

People are nice to me. It’s still such a wonderful feeling. It may just be little things. Like the adults smiling at me when the kids run around me. Or people complimenting me on how much the goats love me. Little tiny things. But it’s so enormously different from what I’m used to. From my isolation and loneliness. From my fears and anxieties. Tiny little happy moments, they make life so much better. Easier.

That girl really liked me a lot. She asked where I lived, and if she could come visit me. Aw. She also asked if I had candy at home. Haha. I’m not sure it’s a good idea for me to invite little girls from the playground home to my place for candy, though. Maybe I should start bringing candy to the playground. Candy to the kids, apples for the goats. I’ll buy love yet!

Nah, just joshing. My left arm is bruised by the way. And my left side hurting. Why? Because I brought apples for Magnethe. And she started ramming into my side. Repeatedly. It just makes me laugh out loud, it’s so cute. And then I can’t resist giving her some apple. And the lesson she learns is “if I push him around he’ll give me apples”. It’s worth the bruises though. I feel honoured that she’s comfortable enough with me to do that. She’s still a shy goat. My special girl.

I can never ever do quick entries, can I? But must go now. Need sleep. Brain shutting down in 3 .. 2 .. 1
Bzzzzzzzt

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005 at 22:38 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.