D-O Y-O-U W-A-N-T T-O S-E-E S-O-M-E-T-H-I-N-G A-W-E-S-O-M-E, H-U-M-A-N?
comedian.dk. The currently first entry (can’t seem to link straight to the entry), “balancing point”. The link that says “den her video”. Brilliant video. It blows my mind. Makes me want to meditate.
(UPDATE: Direct link to entry with video)
T-H-A-T I-S A-L-L.
It is weekend, hooray!
Nowt much to report. A couple of quiet days. Before I go enjoy the weekend let me just post a million identical pictures from the last couple of days at the playground.
First of all, what is this:
They can’t all be chickens, right? Is it a turkey? Okay, chicken, swan, duck, turkey. What other options are there? For a guy who read a million books about animals as a kid, you’d think I knew more.
Hmm.
Mathilde was tied up yesterday.
She seemed okay with it for the most part. It just makes leaving hard. Because then she starts baahing like she doesn’t want me to leave. Aw. Breaks your heart, donnit?
Here’s a typical Mads shot:
That happens on a regular basis. I’ll start scratching him on his head and then he tries to eat my sleeve.
Magnethe has been quite feisty the last couple of days. She has started charging at some of the kids.
It’s so cute. Because she’s so tiny, she couldn’t hurt a fly.
But she still goes at it. I bet she has learnt it from Mads.
She doesn’t do it to me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m too big a target, or because she likes me too much. I almost wish she’d do it though, because I find it extremely adorable.
She continued the next day, same girl. Yeah, Magnethe has got a will of her own. She’s growing up more like Mads than like Mathilde.
Speaking of Mads, he was the one who was tied down today.
And like you would imagine, he did not like it. Mathilde just accepts it, but Mads does not. He keeps baahing all the time. Especially when the other goats wander off a little. Mads does not like being left alone. Poor guy.
At one point I had followed Mathilde and Magnethe out on the grass field on the other side of the playground house. I was sitting there, enjoying their company. Then suddenly Mads came racing out on the grass. Pernille had set him free so he immediately came running out to join us.
Pernille told the goats to stay on the field, and then she said to me: “they probably won’t go anywhere as long as you’re here”. Sweet. And later on Per told me that they had tied down Mads and Mathilde the last couple of days because they had been wandering up in the ghetto appartment blocks. Probably because the sheep are gone. Yes, no more Black and White. They have left for pastures greener. Normally the sheeps would be tied down somewhere and then the goats would generally stick around the same area. But without the sheep, the goats started walking too far away again.
I’ll miss Black and White. sniffle.
I hope Mads never goes away. I found a great place to scratch him.
See. Sort of where his throat goes down to his belly. I don’t know what that place is called. He loves it when I scratch him there though. He stands completely still and gazes off in the distance. Closes his eyes in half and just enjoys it.
You know he loves it when he stands still. Not much can get that goat to stand still. He’s always trying to sniff for food or rub himself against something or generally get up to no good. It’s kind of nice that I have found his “weak spot” in case I need a little break from his rough-housing, hehe.
I love Magnethe’s voice. If you haven’t heard it yet, then download the third video here. It’s so sweet. Mads’ voice is sort of a girly miii. And Mathilde’s is a stronger maaaah. And then Magnethe, it’s like she can’t quite complete the maah. She only gets the “m” sound. M-m-m-m-m-ah. I love it. It sounds a little sort of sad and pathetic. Like “I’m a little baby, come and take care of me”.
She is my little sweet potatoe pie.
That’s all folks.
Listening: Sun Ra Arkestra – Fate in a Pleasant Mood (840901)
Det er moskusænder, de der sære fyre. Min mands fætter har haft en hel flok – nu er der to hunner tilbage, begge mere end 20 år og smakforkælede. Niels, fætteren, er blevet så glad for dyr, at han ikke mere spiser kød. Der gik indtil for få år siden to oldgamle køer på hans lille hobby-landbrug – de døde af alderdom. Og den skæbne får hans fire gamle får også. Jeg har fortalt ham om dig og gederne, og han forstår det frem for nogen.
Bad news for me. I didn’t get my ticket for the Tina Dickow homecoming Trax concert. I went to Kvickly today. And it was sold out.
Great. Just great. You will remember of course that the first time I tried to buy them I was told that the guy who was supposed to get them their tickets hadn’t shown up. So whoever that guy is he probably cost me the concert. If he had gotten them the tickets when he was supposed to then I most likely would’ve gotten one. Bummer.
All hope is not lost though. I posted on Tina’s forum about it and I got a mail from a girl whose friend might have an extra ticket. So cross your fingers for me.
It would suck if I missed it. I have been looking forward to this. Homecoming. “Our” neighbourhood.
I was so disappointed that I drank half a litre of tropical fresh juice while waiting for the bus. That took 5 minutes. 20 minutes more to wait for the bus. So I decide to go into the Red Cross store and look. I spend 1 minute too much in there and miss the bus. So now I have to wait another 30 minutes in the blistering sun. Just great.
Wasn’t all bad though. Walked around downtown.
Summer in the city.
People looking pretty.
Drop it like it’s hot.
Don’t let the icecream go to waste.
I only wish that wasn’t a model. They should make icecreams that big. That would rule.
I miss my new camera. Last week they told me it would be ready this week. It’s almost two months now. If it’s not done tomorrow then I’ll have to go by the store and bang on the table or something. I demand satisfaction.
There’s a big change coming at work. Poul Erik will be stopping at the end of the month. He’s the grand old man. He’s been at Kultursats for years. It will be strange to see him go. I’m going to be the grand old man when he’s gone. I’ll be the guy who has been there the longest. And I still feel like a rookie. Odd.
Sanne asked me to take a group picture. We’ll put it on a mug and give it to him when he leaves. It was kind of funny. It has to be a surprise. So I had to pretend like I wanted to take the picture for myself. That’s not so unusual, I often take pictures. But it’s still kind of odd to have to “act”. Both Sanne and Anders knew why we were taking the picture, but I had to be all “Hey can you guys come outside with me so I can take a picture?” and they have to be all like “Oh sure Lasse, we can do that if you want to”. We will not be winning Academy Awards. I don’t know if Poul Erik suspected anything though. Hopefully he doesn’t read my blog haha. Here are the results by the way:
We tried to get Poul Erik sort of in the middle. Without being obvious about it. Sanne: “You’re the tallest Poul Erik, you have to sit down in the middle”. Hmm, yes.
Anders and Poul Erik sitting on the front row. Sanne and I on top.
I don’t look that abnormal do I? I could almost pass for one of the guys.
I can always pass for one of the guys with Mads, no matter how freaky I look.
Haha.
In other news: The Psycho video has leaked! It’s a Smashing Pumpkins video. “25 Songs O Pumpkins”. Wow. I don’t usually like videos, because I listen to music at the computer while doing other things. Videos you have to pause everything you’re doing and watch them. I prefer just listening to the music. But this thing is pretty special.
1 I’m Free (Live 89 @ unknown Metro show #1)
2 She (Live 88 @ unknown club)
3 Geraldo interviewing Charles Manson
4 The Crystal Ship (Live 89 @ unknown Metro show #2)
5 Sun (Live 89 @ unknown Metro show #2)
6 Spiteface (Live 89 @ unknown Metro show #2)
7 Venus In Furs (Live 89 @ unknown Metro show #3)
8 Billy & Bob English in the crowd @ Geraldo’s show
9 My Dahlia (89 rehearsal)
10 My Eternity (1988.11.19 on The Pulse)
11 Rhinoceros (Live 90 @ unknown club)
12 East (Live 90 @ unknown club)
13 I Am One (Live 90 @ unknown club)
14 I Am My End (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
15 Rhinoceros (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
16 Ball And Chain (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
17 Bury Me (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
18 Try To Try (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
19 Jennifer Ever (88 soundcheck)
20 There It Goes (88 soundcheck)
21 Oui Henri (Live 88 @ unknown club) *cut after 20 seconds*
22 Nothing And Everything (Live 88 @ unknown club)
23 Salt (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
24 Lie I Lie (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
25 Razor (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
26 Love (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
27 C’mon (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
28 The Marked – Scary Neurotic Song (Promo video)
29 The Marked – The Trance (Promo video)
30 Geraldo interviewing unknown serial killer “Joe”
Charles Manson reminded me of Gerrard (I think) from Twin Peaks. But anyway, look at that. It’s rather amazing seeing the Smashing Pumpkins performing back in the late 80s, before they were stars. Lots of old and unreleased songs. I haven’t watched the whole thing yet. I can’t wait for the Marked videos! Sweet stuff. Imagine the one musical artist that you love the most, and then imagine getting videos of their very earliest and rarest performances. Imagine being a fan of Magic Johnson and then getting a video of him shooting hoops at 13. Imagine being a fan of Shakespeare and then getting a video of him writing a school essay.
Hey, as long as we’re imagining things then we might as well go for broke.
In yet other news: A couple of days ago I tuned into CNN and there was a big hubbub over some new virus. I got almost scared. If CNN were doing major coverage… Boy, it must be some fantastic virus? I practically ran to my computer to turn it off so I wouldn’t get hit. I decided to go to CNN’s website and read what it was actually about first, though. And as far as I understand it’s a virus that hits Windows 2000 machines. And the vulnerability has been addressed by Microsoft. So… only unpatched Windows 2000 machines are at risk? It must have been a slow news day on CNN. Or maybe all their machines are just running unpatched Windows 2000 systems eh?
And now, adieu!
if they made life size ice creams lifesize like that, as great as it’d be at first, I’d definetly get sick I think. BTW, like your glasses.
love the photo of you and mads! it’s like he’s all in the camera’s face. excuse no caps,,,am eating ice cream as i type.
Group therapy part 2 done today. It went just fine. A lot easier than the first time. But still draining. That is the best word to describe it.
There were two new psychs in the room this time. Probably interns. They sat in the back and did the session transcription. There was also a microphone on the floor in the middle of the circle of chairs. And a camera in the back. It all adds a lot of pressure. All of us with social phobia have problems with getting attention and being judged. When you have two psychologists + 2 interns + a microphone + a camera + your team mates, then you suddenly feel like there are a lot of people judging what you say.
But it didn’t take long to forget about those things really. And the session wasn’t too different from the first one. Co-therapist Nicolas (not Nicolai as I thought) took the stage and told us more about phobias and fears. It all fit perfectly with me. Pretty much every single thing he said I could recognise from myself.
The two hours go by pretty fast. But exhausting. Fear is designed to keep you at attention. So you can react to the danger. Like Nicolas said, when we were out on the African savannah and the lions attack. The fear makes us react. Attack or flee. Sitting in group therapy for two hours is like running from a lion for two hours. Only without the lion.
Our homework had been to do some situation analysis forms. I got picked as the first one to do mine on the whiteboard. Dammit. It’s like being in school and hoping the teacher doesn’t pick you for that really hard question. But that’s what we’re there for of course. I shan’t complain. And it went okay. Although it’s still very hard to talk in front of everyone. That is my lion.
After the therapy I went to the playground. It’s remarkable how different a feeling it is. Going into the room for therapy I am at alert, I am stressed, I am afraid. All my senses are spiking. Sitting down with the animals I immediately get calm, feel happy. All my senses flatline and I worry about nothing. It’s a really good way to decompress after therapy. Amazing what an effect animals can have on people.
I know I need social contacts outside the playground. But small steps. The playground is my safe haven. It helps me a lot to have a place where I can feel happy and safe. And valued. That I have something to offer. I can be liked. By animals, kids, adults. I know there are people online who like me. And I appreciate that a lot. But that someone in real life can like me, that’s not something I’m used to feeling. When Skye first told me she loved me it took me a long time to accept it. We had to meet before I could really do that. Until we had spent some time together I couldn’t believe that she could love me. How could anyone love me? That is a thought that is still buried deep in my mind. Ten years of thinking of yourself as unlovable doesn’t not get erased that easily.
Anyway. Why not smile?
I got myself tickets to Tina Dickow today. Not the ones I was going for though. I wanted to get tickets to Trax. It’s a nice concept. Artists’ homecoming. Tina is going back to play at her old school. And since I still live in our old neighbourhood that will be pretty cool for me too. But there were no tickets at Kvickly, where they should have been on sale. Apparently the guy who was supposed to drop off the tickets and posters and stuff hadn’t shown up. And they didn’t have his number so they couldn’t get a hold of him! Darn. I hope they’ll get that all sorted out. I wonder what they do with the posters after the tickets are sold? Maybe I could snag one…
I got tickets for November, though. In Train. That’s a real club thing. I haven’t been to a concert at a venue like that. So that will be a new experience, unless something else in a club comes up before November. It’s been too long since my last concert, must find something new. Maybe something at Kulturgyngen. That would be handy. And I’d get a discount cause I work there. So that ain’t not bad.
That’s all. I’ll go be a crazed fan somewhere else. Toodles.
Not sure if they like it if you call people psychos,hehe. Seriously though, sounds pretty rough, therapy that is. For some people I think therapy can help, but for everyone, I’m not so sure. It’s good that you are trying to find a way to help you deal with everything. Hope it all works out for you.
Suicidal Fish #12 (click to see big version)
PS. I still love Mutts.
Poor fishy.
Yesterday I was lucky enough to see the goats. That usually never happens in the weekends. But the place was open when I went shopping.
So I went inside to say hello. And now the funny pictures.
Mads is eating hay. Hilarious, eh? No no, not yet. Seconds after I took that picture he got up on his hind legs and stood up against the wall to eat more hay. So I figured I’d take a picture of that too. But just as I pressed the button…
What happened? Mads somehow grabbed the entire pack of hay and ripped it up out of the holder and down on the floor. That’s Mads for ya, when there’s food around he gets crazy.
And then he gorged on the lovely hay. Well done, Mads!
He cracks me up.
Also cute dogs from a couple of days ago:
If that picture doesn’t make you yawn then you must be superhuman. But then all my pictures probably make you yawn. Ah, nothing like self-deprecating humour.
Getting ready to play.
And he’s off!
Bongi rolling in the grass. That upset Pernille. Apparently the dogs aren’t allowed to roll around like that because they get all dirty and smelly. As I understood it. Pernille is formerly known as Alice, by the way. I’m not always good at catching people’s names.
New additions to the site: links.html – copyright.html – signs.html
Did you know that it’s not necessary to put a “copyright” sign on your page/picture/poem etc? It has no effect. If you write something then you have the rights to it, no matter if you put a (c) at the bottom or not. Interesting, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!
Just nod politely.
That’s all. Weekend almost over. It’s the circle of life. Apparently.
Listening: Tina Dickow – Nobody’s Man (I am hooked on this song. Go here and click it to listen to a long sample).
ahhh plume the power of christ compells you to remove all those pictures of the i from your panties gallery, ive become uncomfortably suspicious that the mother looks at stuff on my computer and in my infinite state of paranoia, have become paranoid that she will somehow see it and conclude that i’m in some sex cult which i may or may not be in but dont want her to know or think about it in any way. also my friend keeps talking about my father and his package and it’s super disturbing, i think im gonna explode from some kind of child-parent sexual uncomfortableness soon.
perro
One thing I forgot yesterday was to thank you all for the comments about the group therapy. Your support always means a lot to me. There are two things, I think, that has been important in changing my life to the better. Meeting Skye, of course. And starting my diaryland diary. Those are two of the “life-changing” moments I recall.
So thank you for the support, and for the experiences you share with me in turn. No matter how alone I am, I’m never alone.
But I don’t want to get sentimental. So here is the stuff I have done today:
Updated the panties section finally. Thanks to the lovely Dylan for contributing. That page still makes me smile. At least when it’s updated.
And then I added the scans section. Moved all my scans from my old site. And made some new ones. Most interesting is probably my old class photo where you can see Tina Dickow (6th from left middle row) and Dea Lillelund (2nd fom left bottom row), the musicians. And me, the dork. Third from the right on the top row. More information on the scans page.
Also this doodle I made at work a couple of days ago. I wish I could draw for realz. But the funny bit is that I put the doodle in my pocket (sounds almost erotic, doesn’t it?) and went to the playground. And then Mathilde got in my pocket and grabbed the paper and almost ate it. Hehe. But check out the scans page for childhood photos and other strange things.
That’s all. Funny pictures coming tomorrow. Hope you’re all having a breezeful weekend.
It has been a pleasure to read your diary all the way from diaryland. Miss you there in face. It hasn’t been the same there without you and a few others. Well take care as always.
No sweat, dear Plume ;) It’s always a pleasure to read your blog (previously diary) and comment on here :) We fishies should exchange some valuable knowledge and support each other, right? ;)
Bacci,
Mills
I set the alarm clock to wake me up 20 minutes early today. So I could take a nice, long shower. Sitting down and letting the water cascade down on me. It’s a good way to start the morning. Although it’s always a little dilemma. How are the 20 minutes best spent? Sleeping or under the waterfall? If only I could sleep in the shower…
It was a grey, grey morning. Typical Danish summer. The bus packed full of morning zombies. Not many smiles, no one talking. The earlier the hour, the less alive people are.
I had the pumpkins running on my mp3 player. Closed my eyes and drifted away to the music. I don’t usually close my eyes for longer periods of time in the bus. Security behaviour. I must know what stop we are at, how close we are to my stop. Even after taking the same bus a 100 times I still get a little tingling sensation in my stomach when my stop is up. Do I press the button? I usually wait as long as possible to see if someone else is getting off, if someone else will press the button first. I don’t know why, exactly. It makes more sense to do it when I’m taking the bus somewhere new and I’m not completely sure where I have to get off. It sort of feels like letting someone else take the responsibility. Letting someone else make the decision so I don’t have to.
The internet was down at work. That always sucks. What am I supposed to do, actually work?!
No, but seriously. I like having google open in the background. When others go for a cigarette break or a cup of coffee I’ll go and read my friendlist on livejournal or some newsgroups or the fuselage or whatever. Without internet I feel trapped, trapped in the reality of a grey Friday morning.
For some reason I found myself thinking of Fawlty Towers, specifically the sentence “it matters not one wit”, spoken in one of the episodes. I wasn’t sure if it was “one wit” or “one width” or “one with”. Didn’t know the phrase. With google down I had no way of finding out. Not that it mattered one wit. Hæhæ.
Not much else of interest happened. Ronny quit. He has been gone for days. Apparently he didn’t feel the job was right for him, so he stayed away. Came in for a meeting today and at the end of that he shook everybody’s hand and left for good.
In other cast news: Anders has been updated with a (poor) picture. And Pablo has been added (with a poor picture too), although he isn’t likely to be featured much in the blog since he doesn’t work in our office.
I have already mentioned that Anders seems nice. My impression of him so far is really good. He actually said “D’oh” yesterday. As Homer Simpson does. He didn’t say it in a conversation about the Simpsons, he wasn’t quoting. He was using d’oh in a normal conversation. That’s awesome. And he uses usenet for research. And he listens to some interesting ambient music that I cannot identify. It’s pretty far from my usual taste but it sounded good, really. We had to turn off our computers while Nicolai was trying to get the net running, and Anders offered me a section of his newspaper if I wanted it. I turned it down though and read some Poe instead.
But yes, I only have good things to say about him. Smart, funny, nice, good taste in lots of stuff. I hope he stays with us for a while.
I’m interested in dark and strange music ie. neofolk (folk noir), noise, black metal, ambient and progressive rock ..
Besides that I’m interested in litterature, culture, fine arts, old cult movies, movies in general etc.
Neat. I look up to him. Literally, too. He’s tall.
Ooh, this is the song he was playing. Coil – Sex With Sun Ra (Part 1 Saturnalia). It was pretty cool. Maybe I should check eet out. I could use a more mature taste in music.
Sun Ra sounds pretty interesting.
On my way home from work someone was playing 50 Cent in the bus. Why is it always the people with bad taste in music that turn their stuff up loud so everyone else has to hear it?
It just makes me smile inside when some pasty-white Danish kid is listening to 50 Cent in a city bus in Århus on a grey Friday. But hey, I’m listening to Billy Corgan and it’s not like I’m a hip Chicago beatnik. Maybe I make others smile.
Smiling is good for the soul, anyway.
Happy weekend t’yall.
I promised to tell about the first group therapy session yesterday. So here goes.
I was sitting in the bus, on my way to the clinic, and getting nervous. Heart beating faster. Shortness of breath. Stressed head. But I got it under control. It didn’t get too bad. My first therapy sessions have helped me to identify the situations where I get anxiety, and to deal with them. Recognise the automatic negative thoughts and replace them with alternative realistic thoughts.
Negative automatic thought: I can’t do this, it’s going to be too hard, they’ll all hate me.
Realistic thought: I have done hard things before. It’s going to be fine, we all have the same problems and we’re there to help each other.
You get the gist. That’s one of the best things I have gotten from the first therapy sessions. Being conscious about what’s happening and having tools to change the processes in my head. Not letting fear rule me.
Got to the clinic. Went to the waiting room. All the chairs were taken. Just outside the room there were two chairs, one of them taken by another guy. I sat down beside him and stared down the hallway. Waiting. Only had to wait for a minute though. I made sure not to arrive too early. That’s what we call “security behaviour”. Staring down the hall is security behaviour too. Sort of… defensive reactions. Things we use to cope. The most extreme form of security behaviour is complete avoidance. If I had stayed home and not gone to the group therapy that would have been the ultimate security behaviour, avoiding the situation. A mild form of security behaviour could be to not look someone in the eye when you talk to them. Or bringing someone with you when you go somewhere. Or having a cell phone with you always. Security behaviour isn’t really wrong, unless it starts interfering with your life. For example if you can’t go anywhere without bringing someone with you. That’s obviously a problem.
Here endeth the lesson about security behaviour. Fascinating eh?
So our therapist arrives to get us. Signe is her name. Older than my old therapist. I have seen her before. I have had two preliminary meetings with her. One before the first therapy sessions. And one before these group sessions.
She led us all into the meeting room. Chairs in a circle. For some reason that strikes me as scary.
A guy is already sitting in the room. Nicolai. He is the co-therapist. Although for this first meeting he is only taking notes. After each session we will get the written highlights mailed to us so we can study them at home, when we have more time and privacy to think about things.
Signe calls him Jonas at first. He corrects it. They haven’t met each other before. Not exactly the best start to a session. Having our two therapists out of sync.
There are 6 of us. 4 women and one guy + me. The women are older than me. They seem like fairly typical middleaged family mothers. The guy is the same age as me. And funnily enough he is called Lasse too. What a coincidence. When we go around the circle and introduce ourselves I say my full name, like everyone else. And Signe asks me if I’m ever called Linno. Or Lasse Linno. I say no, and wonder why she asked. Had she heard about some freak called Lasse Linno? But she was just trying to see if I had a nickname I could use so we could avoid confusion between the Lasses.
Signe is standing by the wall. There’s a blackboard. Only it’s not black, it’s the white sort where you write with a felt pen or so. Is that still called a blackboard?
She tells us about different kind of phobias. Writes a list. Social phobia, which we all have. Agoraphobia. General anxiety. Panic attacks. Single phobias etc. We go around the circle and see what other phobias fit us. Almost all of us have the single phobia “fear of heights”. I have that. I also get a check by “depression” although I have that pretty beat.
After all that Signe draws a form on the blackboard. The good old one. Goes sort of like this:
Situation – Symptoms/feelings – Negative automatic thoughts / Disaster thoughts – Security behaviour
I have worked a lot with that already. You fill it in. The situation. What were you feelings and symptoms? Typically I would have the heartbeat, breathing harder, sweating, stressed mind. Negative automatic thoughts are often about what other people think of me. Judging me. That was the same with the others. Almost everyone said something about being afraid of being judged by others. Feeling like you’re different or strange or inferior. And security behaviour, well I think I have covered that. What do you do in the situation etc.
So we go around the circle and fill in a situation for every person. We had the choice of either picking our morning or when we sat in the waiting room. So the fears we talked about were the fears connected to going to this therapy.
It’s a two hour session. That’s one of the hard parts for me. Being in a room with strangers for that long. The bright side is that because we are 6 people sharing the spotlight it means that I’m not in focus for as long as I am in one hour of single therapy.
We get a 10 minute break in the middle. I go to the bathroom and then outside to get some fresh air. And stretch the legs. I’m not good at sitting still for that long.
When I filled out the form on the blackboard one of my negative thoughts was “I can’t do this, I can’t get through it”. I have been in one of these group sessions before and I felt so completely horrible. And I never came back, didn’t go to any more sessions. That must be a couple of years ago. I’m much stronger now. But you still have that doubt. Can I make it this time? One of the other women had the same negative thoughts. Signe wanted to explore that further.
So I had to do that. Explore those thoughts on the blackboard. That was hard too. Getting more focus than everyone else. But this is what it’s all about of course. Dealing with your feelings and learning. So I can’t complain.
It all went by pretty fast really. The two hours. It was draining and hard, but also a good experience. Finding out that I can do this. I can get through it and I will learn things I can use.
I couldn’t really relate much to the other people though. Like I said, the women seemed like normal family mothers. People with normal lives. And the other Lasse told about how it was hard to talk about social phobia with his “guy mates”. I think I’m the only one who doesn’t have mates or normal family or anything. The only one who is really isolated like I am. And it seemed like it was easier for them all to talk in the group. But of course I don’t know what is going on inside them, I’m sure it’s not really easy.
I did okay mostly, when I had to talk. That last bit where I had to dig a little deeper and see why I was thinking that I couldn’t make it, that was hard and I stumbled a little over my words. And I did worry every time we had to go around the circle and talk. I always sit and worry about my turn. When the person next to you is talking and you know you’re next. That’s when you start feeling the panic. “What am I going to say? What am I going to say? WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?!?”. But then when you do get the turn it isn’t really that bad.
Therapists seemed nice. Other people seemed nice. And now I have tried it. I have been there, seen the people, talked in front of them. Now the uncertainty of the new situation is gone. Familiarity can start to settle in. I don’t think it will get easy exactly, but it will start to get better.
So here’s to hoping it will help. It’s kind of nice to see that social phobia is such a normal thing. That I’m not a complete freak. I don’t remember the numbers but Signe were telling us about how many people suffered from some form of phobia. And it was a pretty big number. So we’re not alone.
It’s different for everyone though. The people in the group, it’s not like we have experienced the same things and have the exact same fears. I’m not really allowed to talk about the other people of course. But even though one person has it one way and another has it another way, it’s still rooted in the same basic stuff. The social phobia, the way our minds are working. On a basic level that’s still the same. And I guess it’s the same for a lot of people. Like people who are “just” afraid of spiders or heights or dogs or whatever. On the basic level it’s probably not so different. The difference is that you can live a pretty normal life even if you’re scared of spiders. But if you’re afraid of other people then it sort of complicates things.
Hmm, maybe I should be Spiderman, living among spiders.
Yes… That’s all. I’m sorry if this is a bit boring. If it’s too long or too technical about the therapy or the phobia stuff. But it’s good for me to get it written down. It gets sorted out in my head too. My blog is my therapist. I hope Signe won’t be upset that I’m seeing other people.
Thank you for listening.
Flot
Congrats on making it through your first group session! Nice job. :)
I admire your courage doing group therapy because anything in groups is not easy and probably everyone is afraid the same ways socially but we’re so good at masking our fears. Everyone wears a mask…it’s how we survive I guess. It’s kind of sad because animals, as you know, tend not to wear masks..and children don’t wear them either, though they soon learn how to. Life would be so much better if we all accepted what is true in our natures…that none of us are that strong, that we share the same or similar fears, that we all judge and are afraid of judgements. (Except have you ever noticed that really obnoxious, loud, annoying people seem to have no fear of judgement? AND THEY’RE THE ONES WHO SHOULD. haha.)
PS: It is called a whiteboard…probably the only logical thing next to blackboard in the English language.
Hi! :) I want to also congratulate you with this session :) You go, Plume :) Actually, the weird thing is, that the women sitting there and that guy were probably thinking to themselves: ‘oh, this guy is not as worried as me, he speaks pretty good about what’s going on inside’. It’s this funny thing about group therapy, I’ve talked to some ppl about it and I get the same answers, everyone thinks that other ppl are a lot more relaxed or have more things that make their life complete. My first session was kinda horrible, cuz I had to tell everyone what kind of problems I have, what I expect from the sessions and sit in a small room during the sessions with a bunch of ppl… And later on the guys there said, that I did great. And I was sooo worried, but that brought relief. And there is another thing to mention… My consultant told me that most of these psychological problems come from our childhood. So there was this one woman, who had a pretty good job and a nice guy by her side, but felt like a little scared girl inside… So actually, it’s not always all about the age. But it’s funny how familiar I am with the thought that other ppl’s lives are more complete. There was this one guy, who wanted to get more motivated and during those 6 weeks met lots of friends, went to concerts and stuff. And I felt like I was living on a deserted island, cuz I had no health or mood to communicate with anybody, to go out. But after the sessions I made some new friends, started to go out more & more, got a different outlook on a lot of stuff (life included) and realized, that being among those ppl, that suffer, but are not giving up and trying there best to stay afloat, helped me a lot with getting more confident, strong and sociable. One girl actually was in a worse situation then I, but she always hoped for a better tomorrow, doing everything step by step and enjoying the smallest things. I became a thinker, always thinking what other ppl were thinking about me, what to say and whever it was right. Plume, get those thoughts out of your mind! It’s the best thing just to say what’s on your mind, what you feel like and just live in the moment. Believe me, those ppl understand you and are in the same boat, just in different parts of it.
I wish you the best of luck ol’ man! (haha, caught it from someone else on here;)
Bacci,
Mills
Posts
All Comments
August 22nd, 2005 at 14:11 e
just wanted to let you know that i locked my guestbook. the link is on a protected page, the password is calypso79
August 23rd, 2005 at 3:29 e
The link is fixed. You can link directly to the post now.
Here are the creators’ homepage: http://www.rock-on-rock-on.com/community.html
Zencheers,
Rasmus