Everybody was kung-fu fighting
that Prince was fast as lightning
in fact it was a little bit frightning
but they fought with expert timing.
Doobie dooby doop-doop doop-dub-doop!
Yes, sorry I don’t know how that last line goes.
I love The Prince.
Today Pernille told me that I would have to say goodbye to Mads soon. Shock! Horror! Gasp! Tune in tomorrow to read the conclusion!
(Don’t worry though, there’s a happy end coming)
So I was going to tell you about therapy. On Tuesday. Before The Prince so rudely interrupted me with his starbound cuteness.
I have actually been feeling a little down. I think I have neglected to mention it. Feeling sorry for myself and doubting my ability to make things okay. A little half-depression. Which caused me to miss the last therapy session, I know I have neglected to mention that. It was stupid of me of course, this group therapy is a big chance for me and it would be criminally insane of me to waste it. So I picked myself up and got back on track and went to the meeting this Tuesday. I was greeted by Anne, another of the phobics, who seemed really, genuinely happy to see me. She had seen that there were only 5 chairs out in the therapy room and therefore she knew that one of us was out sick. And she told me that she was really happy that it wasn’t me who was gone. Happy that I was back. That was a good, positive way to start the session for me.
It was a tough session. I was a little behind, compared to the others. I had to catch up, which meant I had to be really active. I had to do my exposure thing in front of the group. Everyone has had to. Doing something in front of the group. My test was just to talk in front of the others, that is exposure to one of my greatest fears of course. Talking in front of other people. So I talked for five minutes about my work. Five minutes might not sound like a long time. But time is relative. Five minutes of the hardest thing you can imagine, that’s a long time. While five minutes of eating ice cream, well that’s just over before you’ve managed to say “mmmmmmmm ice cream”.
But I got through it. And it went really well actually. I got a lot of positive feedback from the others. They said I seemed happy and extroverted. Haha. Yes, that’s me in a nutshell. But that was good. We always have to measure things on a 10-scale. How nervous are you? How much do you believe this? How yellow is your golf shirt? On a scale from 1 to 10. Before my test I said that I thought my nervousness would be around 9. After it was done I said it had been around 2-3. I almost didn’t have time to get nervous. And I spoke fluently, I had a few little timouts where I had to think about what to say next, but nothing important. And I didn’t mumble or stumble. So it was pretty much a big success. I’m quite happy with it.
I also got asked out to dinner. With the rest of the group. That will be interesting. I haven’t been out to a dinner in a restaurant since I was a kid. And back then it was spaghetti and sausages at the supermarket bistro. So this will be something new. And scary. But good social practice. I mean, this is the whole point of the therapy. To get to a point where I’m able to do things like that. Going out to dinner with friends. And the people in the group are all really nice and sweet. It’s liberating to know that they all deal with the same problems, the same fears and phobias. You know you won’t be judged, at least not harshly and unfairly.
There aren’t many sessions left now. Once they’re done then we have individual talks. And then we have to go out and train on our own. And then in a few months there will be a followup session.
Next session is “bring your family” session. Where we can invite a family member if we want. I’m not going to do it, though. I just… can’t. I’m not ready for that. The only one I could invite is my mother, and I’m just not ready to involve her that deeply. I’m glad she knows what’s going on. And she is supportive. But bringing her to a session, that’s too much.
But other than that it was good to be back in group. I feel more positive about it again. There’s no good in thinking about how hard it is and all that. I gotta stay positive and work for the future. Etcetera.
I will Try, Try, Try.
Hey, don’t forget The Prince.
I love the lamb face. That sheepish grin.
Just like Black and White. Born smiling at the world.
The playground is a continuing source of not only happiness but also therapy for me. My relationship with the animals is a success, it’s something I have done well at. Something positive about myself. That is always hard for me to recognise. One of the things I had to do in therapy was fill out my ressource list. Write down things that I like about myself. That is so hard. I’m sure lots of people can relate, even people without social phobia. Just people with self esteem of confidence issues. It can be hard to aknowledge your own qualities. If you grow up telling yourself that you’re no good, then that’s hard to change. My basic self image is that I’m worthless. Now rationally I know that isn’t true. But the brain is a powerful thing. If I say that I’m worthless then my brain goes “Yup, that’s right you dumbfuck”. If I say “I’m a nice person” then my brain says “As if, don’t kid yourself loser”. Stupid brain. I’ll get you one day.
Anyway, that’s why the successes matter so much. That’s why it means a lot to me when people say how well I do with the animals. And when you nice internet people leave me positive comments. It’s like picking away at the wall of negativity in my head. Pulling it down one brick at a time. Because if others can say that I have good qualities, then maybe I can say it about myself too. And maybe I can believe it. Maybe I am worth something. After all. Maybe, just maybe, I have a right to be in this world and claim my own happiness.
I just need to convince my brain.
This is where I usually leave the playground. Over the fence and down the slope. With Magnethe and Mathilde watching me as I go.
And this is a grey morning.
And this is the end of the entry.
I heard a psychologist say that self-esteem and self-confidence come from inside, not the outside. In other words, the outside world can tell us we’re wonderful until the cows come home but if we don’t believe it, it won’t make any difference. She also said that the way to build self-esteem and confidence is to take risks, do things that make us proud of ourselves. You’ve been taking a lot of risks in the last two years and every risk you’ve taken has boosted your self-confidence.
Even though you still hear that negative voice, I can tell it has a lot less power over you than it used to. It seems to me that your activities are proving the voice is a liar. For example, the voice might say that speaking in public is something you can’t do without making a fool of yourself, but then you do it and find out that even though you were nervous and afraid at first, the longer you spoke the easier and more exhilirating it became. The voice that was speaking was yours, not the cruel voice.
When you were finished the people you spoke to responded warmly to you. You were fine. So the voice lies. Eventually the voice will sound like the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoon. Wah. Wah. Wah. Just meaningless sounds.
I agree with you that the animals are therapy. I think that photo of the goats watching you as you leave speaks volumes about their attachment to someone they know is special. The goats look forward to seeing you arrive and hearing your voice. The animals are pure, they don’t hear the voices we do. They don’t have our prejudices. But they’re not stupid or dumb either. People who are arrogant often conclude that “barnyard” animals are dumb…but this is ignorance. Animals do distinguish the good from the bad and they reject certain types of people because they can intuit what’s on the inside of a person.
You are a voice in the world, a presence in the world. You have made a difference in the world. You have touched other people, like the lady in your group, your readers here, and others. The animals have adopted you. They trust you. They don’t trust everybody.
The world belongs to you and you belong to the world. The voice is also part of this world. In some ways if you hadn’t gone through all that crap you wouldn’t be you, you’d be someone else. Maybe you’d be someone who wouldn’t understand and have as much empathy as you do. Maybe you’d be someone less attuned to these important things.
So maybe the voice can be seen as something instructive, something to learn from. But make no mistake, the voice no longer controls you.
The Prince was out and about today.
Even cuter in the sunlight.
Ready and willing to be cuddled.
What a cute, cute, cute little guy he is.
Mads watching the new family.
The mother isn’t called Olga by the way. I guess I misheard it originally. Her name is Polka. Hehe. She does have sort of polka dots on her ears. Or dots at least. What is a polka, anyway?
She kept a close eye on her baby prince.
And everybody else did too, of course. He’s a big hit.
That’s Pernille talking to the old lady I mentioned a few days ago. The one with the camera and the chinese dog.
Look, proof that the goats aren’t scared of her dog. Okay, it’s a small dog. But still, the goats are usually afraid of any dogs. Just not this one.
I talked to the lady again, about goats and sheep and everything. She’s nice to talk to. And I always like it when people remark on how much the goats love me. And Pernille said that Mathilde is getting tamer all the time. She didn’t say it was because of me or anything. But it’s not imagination that she’s getting less shy. And I’d like to think I have had a hand in it. It makes me happy too, seeing Mathilde all confident and seemingly well adjusted. Even if she has a nasty hazelnut habit.
I love the playground. So full of life.
Big and small.
New and old.
Peculiar and pretty.
And just plain adorable.
What is not to love? And now I’m looking forward to seeing The Prince grow up. Rest assured you’ll get to see it too.
I made couple of videos. In case you want to see him in live action.
Too late for the therapy story now. It can wait. I didn’t get Kashmir tickets. Darn it. My own stupid fault, I shouldn’t have waited so long to see if I could get on the guestlist. Now I wound up with nothing at all. There is a lesson to be learned there I’m sure.
I should put together a band of animal babies. I’ll be the manager. We might not sound great, but the cuteness alone will sell records en masse.
Have you noticed that I’m updating almost daily again? I’m making quite the effort. Go me.
And now it’s time for bed. To sleep, perchance to dream.
I just watched the videos. Aww! I love the little prince and his mom. I think Olga is a much better name for her so I will think of her as Olga. Polka is a german folk dance – and it’s baaaaaaaaad music. Really bad. Heh. Music to make fun of. Two of my favourite comedians, John Candy and Eugene Levy parodied polka – http://sctv.org/characters/shmenges/body.htm- very funny.
Anyway, I love these animals. Their eyes are so kind and gentle. Everyone should have a mom like Olga.
here’s the link again
http://sctv.org/characters/shmenges/body.htm
I would like you all to say a big hello to my newest friend.
The Prince. Olga gave birth to a little prince yesterday.
They were still inside today, so bad flash photography for now. But you can still see how cute he is, right?
The proud mother. Apparently it was a hard ordeal. The Prince is 7 kilos heavy. Pernille told me about the birth, they had to tie Olga’s legs together and pull out the baby. Dramatic. They’re both okay now though.
And yes, “The Prince” is his name. So far anyway. Not Prince, but The Prince. I asked Pernille what his name was and she said “Well, remember last year when she had two lambs? They were called Mary and Frederik. So this is The Prince”. Now, Mary and Frederik is the Danish crown prince couple. And they just had a baby boy recently. Which I haven’t talked about as a silent protest against the media hysteria. But anyway, Mary and Frederik had a boy. And he is the prince. And this new lamb is The Prince. I am not sure if they will give him a new name once the human baby boy prince is named or if they’ll keep calling him The Prince. I like “The Prince.” It’s cool like The Rock and yet noble. And it sort of goes well with Magnethe, my princess.
Isn’t he cute? Hopefully I can get better pictures when he gets out and walks around. I had therapy today, that means I get to the playground late. Around the time when the place is closing and the animals are put inside. I did manage to say hello to the goats too though.
Their place is right next to the sheep and lamb.
When I was taking pictures of The Prince they would poke their noses through holes in the wall to see what was going on. I’m not sure they’re too impressed by the lamb… “Psssh, we’re much cuter than that!”. I hope they’ll get along. It was fun when Black and White and Magnethe had their own little group of baby animal cuteness. Now Magnethe is so grown, I don’t know how they will all relate. But I’m looking forward to finding out.
I have to tell you about therapy too. But I’m too tired right now. It can wait. I’ll let you bask in the glory of The Prince instead. Don’t you just want to hug and cuddle him till he’s so exhausted that he just can’t take it anymore?
Well, I do.
Plume, first of all, rock on. You are most definitely not boring (and I, for one like the simple layout. Complicated layouts get all flashy, annoying and in your face. Ugh. Plus, they don’t always work on everybody else’s browsers.) Secondly, The Prince is *adorable*. I do want to hug him. He looks so huggable. He brightened my day, :)
The prince is adorable!
A cold, cold morning today. The window was open as I was putting on my bandages after a nice, long, warm shower. And outside it was freezing. All that was missing was snow on the ground, then it would have been a winter paradise.
Passing through the parking lot and smiling to myself as a woman was scraping ice off of the windows on her car. Remembering how my dad used to hate that in the winter. Scraping ice and snow. Back when we had a car.
I don’t mind the cold. You should know by now.
Work was fine. I kinda messed up a phone message. But nothing important. Did I mention that I no longer have a phone at my table? When I started at Kulturgyngen I had a phone on my table and it was just assumed that I would answer the phone. And I did. And it wasn’t too bad I guess. But now they have re-done the whole phone system, a fancy new digital system. And there’s no longer a phone at my station. So now I only have to deal with phonecalls if Sanne is out of the office.
I wore my Mellon Collie ‘95 tour t-shirt today. And Bente complimented it. Nice. Although it still feels awkward for me to have people looking at me closely like that. It will get better in time, I’m sure.
Unfortunately I didn’t get on the guestlist for the Kashmir concert. And now I’m worried that I have waited so long that the concert is sold out. But I’ll try and see. Tomorrow is therapy so that’s a long day, I probably won’t be up to a trip back downtown. I’ll cross my fingers that there are still tickets on Wednesday.
At the playground I caught the goats in the act of mischief.
They’re not supposed to be snooping in the food supplies.
But they do dig in. I got a funny video of Magnethe climbing all over me. Look forward to that. Please?
I love Magnethe. Brightens my day, she does.
More brightness ahead. Olga has given birth. A lamb has arrived. I haven’t seen it yet. They were inside and the door closed. I could only peek in and listen to the tiny baahs. As far as I can tell it’s only one lamb. And as far as I can tell it will be a cutie. It sure sounds cute. One of the next days I should be able to see it. And you know you will be getting a load of pictures. Brace yourselves.
For now, here’s a picture of the baby hare.
In with the bunnies. I thought it would be scared when I put my finger there. It seemed so jumpy when it was outside. But no, it came and sniffed my finger just like the bunnies do.
Did I mention that the goats love hazelnuts? I did, I know. I just wanted to mention it again. They go, well, nuts. Especially Mathilde. She’s crazy for them. It’s like catnip for goats.
Oh yes. Today is the 6 month anniversary of Plume.dk. Actually, it was two days ago. But today is the anniversary of the first blog entry. Six months eh? And just about 160 blog entries. I’m not going to make a big hooplah. I’ll save that for the 1 year anniversary. But I just want to say that I’m very happy that I got my own domain. Plume.dk might not seem like much, but it is my life. Online. And I love having everything gathered here under one umbrella. All the junk in one trunk. I feel at home here and I hope it’ll last a long time.
How about you? What do you think of plume.dk? Is the design so horrible that it brings everything down? Do you miss plume on diaryland? Is there anything you think is missing? Have I gotten boring? No, really. Have I? It’s okay if I have. You can tell me. Any comments are welcome.
We’ll end the entry with a little old Mew that has been on my mind. From before it was cool to be political.
And so
In right wing fashion
We’ll nurture xenophobia
And be strong
In right wing fashion
With paste and generosity
Because no one is safe
From someone somewhere’s sweet embrace
And so I have simply decided to dislike you now
plume.dk er bare så go’ og livsbekræftende. Tillykke med lammet/lammene.
Though I always loved your diaryland diary, I don’t miss diaryland at all. I think your blog is great. Blogging is the new ice cream!
A little more catching up from the past weeks.
There’s a blind woman who comes to the playground sometimes.
I like how affectionate she is with the animals. She can’t see them so she has to get close and touch instead. And they know her, I’ve seen Mrs Piggy get all lively when she was there.
Groucho still makes me smile.
And the littlest one:
Smaller than the rest. They grow so fast.
Olga. How long are sheep pregnant? I want my little lambs already.
Don’t you just love animal babies? I think if animal babies didn’t grow up then we’d all be vegetarians.
The hare leveret is getting along with the bunnies.
They’re not so different.
The chick is growing too. Mads and Mathilde watching from the inside. It was raining.
Summer is most definitely over. We’ve had frosty nights this week. Wintery feelings. You can tell by the goats too. They’re getting… furrier. Their fur is getting thicker. I don’t know if you can tell by the pictures, but I can definitely feel it.
Getting their winter coats on.
A couple of girls were playing on the swings the other day. They asked me if I had a wife. I said no. Then they asked if I had a girlfriend. I said no. Sigh. Then they asked me whether I would kiss my girlfriend if I had one. I said yes. Then they giggled. Hehe.
What is new at work, you ask? Hølli stopped. You probably don’t know who that is, since I haven’t mentioned him. He started while I was out on sickleave. And I haven’t talked to him since his workhours are rather later than mine. He’s Icelandic by the way, his real name is too complicated to pronounce so we called him Hølli. Now he’s gone.
There’s a new Anders in the office. Cast page. (Oh and Olga’s cast page). So now we have two Anderses. The first one is Anders B, the new one is Anders P. Fascinating stuff.
On Wednesday we went to a design exhibition.
It was disappointingly boring.
Apart from the heads.
Afterwards we went outside.
The exhibition was down by the harbour.
We should go fishing some time. You and me.
I have discovered something new about the goats. They love nuts. Hazelnuts. I was sitting down, watching them scavenge for food. They kept digging around in the fallen autumn leaves and scruffing in the dirt. And then they would chew loudly. I got up and investigated. And found that they were eating hazelnuts. Lots and lots of fallen hazelnuts. So I proceeded to pick up a bag full of nuts. Because I like to make the goats happy. And nuts make them happy. They go nuts for the nuts. And it’s funny to listen to them chew, cracking the nuts.
Cracking the nuts. That sounds like frontier psychiatry.
I almost got beaten up by Magnethe and Mathilde today. They started fighting right where I was sitting. I think they might have been competing for my nuts. Or my love, alternatively. It’s a little scary when you’re sitting down and two goats are crashing all around you. At one point Magnethe actually jumped up on my back and then leapt at Mathilde from there.
Then later Mathilde wanted to poke me so I’d give her some nuts. I was sitting at the base of a little hill mound. And she was up higher. So her leg kicked me in the face. A couple of times. I didn’t get hurt, but I did get a nice mask of mud.
And then even later Magnethe somehow managed to knock my glasses off. I’m not sure how that happened.
I need to start wearing protective gear when I go to the playground.
I talked to an old lady there yesterday. She wanted to see my camera. And surprised me by knowing a lot about digital cameras. We have talked before. She’s nice. And she has a little dog that the goats aren’t afraid of. That surprised me, they are always terrified of all the dogs they see. But not this one.
Enough with the anecdotes.
May the path of your life be lined with blooming flowers.
All things bright and beautiful
all creatures great and small
all things wise and wonderful
the Lord God made them all
Det står i en af bøgerne af den engelske dyrlæge James Herriot. Jeg fandt dem på engelsk hos Gad på udsalg.
Det, jeg vil frem til, er, at han skriver om og føler for dyr, som du gør. Så måske skulle du overveje en bog og sende den til et engelsk forlag – penge, penge. De kan sikkert findes på biblioteket – de blev flimatiserede og har været i dansk TV, selvom det er længe siden. Dine anekdoter fra byggeren er bare så goe’.
Imagine, if you will, Wednesday the 12th of October. Imagine me going to the playground.
Imagine the piglets sleeping under the artificial sun. Hmm, a red sun? I wonder if they’re going to have superpowers when they go out in the Earth’s yellow sun? But I digress.
I especially like the little guy on the right who is yawning. You probably have to look at the bigger version to see it properly.
Imagine the one piglet who isn’t sleeping. He’s the smallest one, he hasn’t grown as much as the others. So he needs to be hand-fed.
Imagine the kids getting to help with the feeding.
There’s nothing like a good drink of milk. As mother agreed, you’ll remember.
Imagine the boy and the bunnies.
And the hare.
A jumpy little guy. The bunnies walk around slowly most of the time. But if the hare gets nervous he speeds around. Fast fella.
Imagine that’s the end of this update.
May images of great beauty be permanently burnt on the insides of your eyelids.
My evil twin has informed me that she misses the good old times when I used to update daily. So to placate my inner demons I will update today. With videos, though. Nothing else. Let’s go.
Piglets. Aren’t they cute as they run around in a confused state? Also a close up of Groucho. You surely remember his outstanding eyebrows.
Mads and me. You know how I have posted pictures of me and Mads all close? These are the video versions. They are weird and I look ghastly. But I don’t care if you judge me.
Magnethe’s butting. Magnethe, the champion fighter, beats Plume in a brawl. I fall, and I fall hard.
Running. I love this. Random running. It happens rarely, but sometimes Magnethe will just start running back and forth. Odd.
Olga. The new sheep. Did I mention that Anne left me a comment saying that Olga is definitely pregnant? That is great news. Lambs ahoy!
Three jumping goats. There is a fence between me and the goats. Guess what happens?
There you go. Life or a reasonable facsimile.
Jeg holder med den onde tvilling. Det skal dog nævnes, at på min lille plet af goodwill og menneskefryd er der glæde over, at du faktisk har så travlt med mor Verden, at der ikke rigtig er tid til os i CyberLandsby. Når jeg tænker på, hvilken kog den lille ged satte i det hele, så kan jeg næsten ikke vente, til lammene kommer. Du ku’ jo spørge, om fårekonen skal ha’ små
Every day is a Mew concert. A constant Mew concert. I love my MP3 player. I love strolling down the street with music in my ears. It makes me feel better. Special. Like I am dancing to my own tune. And the world is a little more bearable when set to music.
Did you know that J. Mascis of Dinosaur Jr appears on the new Mew album? I don’t know who that is so he’s probably great. I love the way his voice sounds along with Jonas Bjerre anyway.
And I love the piano, the bells, the harmonica. I love the transitions between songs. I love that I know the new songs so well by now that I can hear when one song is starting to gradually transform into another.
I love when Jonas Bjerre’s voice stands alone, frail and vulnerable. And I love when all the instruments explode in blistering loud soundscapes.
There is so much to Mew, you don’t know the half of it.
So today I was going to go to the post office and try to get tickets for Kashmir. But then I realized that Kashmir are playing at Train. And Train is connected to Musikcaféen. And Musikcaféen is at Kulturgyngen. And I work at Kulturgyngen. Now let me think, what did Sanne tell me when I started? She told me I could get discounts in the café. I could get in for free at shows at Gyngen. And… wasn’t there something about Train? Yes, there was something about Train. I might be able to get in for free. To see Kashmir. Wouldn’t that be something? I had to talk to our receptionist, Tina, about it. It took me a while to work up the courage. Tina is very nice, but I don’t know her and have hardly talked to her. It wasn’t easy for me to go and inquire about it. I feel like I’m not worthy, I should pay for myself and I should pay overprice. And I should thank them for letting me pay overprice. And then I should kiss their boots, just so we’re all clear that I’m not allowed to feel good about myself. You dig? But I did manage to go talk to her. And she told me I should talk to Gitte or Robert at Musikcaféen. And they weren’t there. So I don’t know yet. But I left a note at Tina’s station, she’ll give it to Gitte and Robert. And if I’m lucky I might be put on the guest list for the Kashmir concert. I’ll cross my fingers.
I have to find out about it soon though, because if I can’t get on the guest list then I need to buy myself a ticket, and you never know how long tickets will be available yet. So I have to find out one of the next days.
That would be neat though. I should have remembered this before I bought the tickets for Tina Dickow’s show in November. That’s at Train too, I could have very probably gotten in for free as well. But that’s too late now. It’s not like I can’t afford the tickets anyway. I am after all the wealthiest man in Northern Europe.
I have pictures and videos, but no time to process them. Need to fix the old pictures in the blog too, after I changed the gallery. And I need to find out how to transfer my recordings. And I need to find out how to capture avi video properly with my tv card. And I need to learn how to use my camera properly. And I need to find out how my economy will work when I move out. Oh, did I mention that? I have been offered two appartments. I’m still only somewhere around 18-25 on the list for them. But I’m so high on the list that they’re now sending me letters when something becomes available. So it’s not completely unlikely that I might be moving out sometime in the near future. But yes, lots to do, lots to see. It’s hard being wealthy. Good thing money can buy love and affection. Otherwise I’d be screwed.
I love the end of the album. And the end of Louise Louisa.
I’m in a car
I don’t know where we are
headed for
Stay with me
don’t want to be
alone
May the sunlight follow you like puppies in love
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October 29th, 2005 at 16:33 e
Prinsen er dejlig!!!
A Belated congrats on your 6 month plume.dk anniversary.
Keep up the great job – and no, you are not getting boring. :)