What a beautiful day. Lots of snow on the ground. The sun shining almost all day. Cold and beautiful.
And the ice. Remember a couple of nights ago there was a big storm and the next day ice was falling everywhere? From trees and windows and walls and doors and fences and bushes. Crashing ice. And today the ice was still there. Like a million diamonds sparkling in the sunshine. Lying in the snow. Absolutely beautiful. I don’t remember seeing anything like it before, not in recent times when I would have appreciated it anyway.
I have taken pictures. They don’t really do it justice, but you can get an idea.
I know we humans need the sunshine, but to me there is no season as beautiful as winter.
And when you have snow + sun then it’s just perfect.
I’m feeling better. It was good to get out and about. I have missed three days of work and then it’s been weekend. I have been a little sick and a lot depressed. Being shut inside doesn’t help. It got worst on Saturday when I started reading the alt.suicide.methods newsgroup. And then researched hypothermia. Dying in the snow always seemed romantic to me. And right now would be the time, last night it was -16 degrees. And I just heard on the news that hundreds of people have died in the winter here in Europe. The massive cold. Of course those are mostly old and frail people, not people with corpular insulation like mine.
It’s hard to write about, because I don’t want to sound completely pathetic. I am not fishing for pity and I am not needing to be talked off the ledge. But on the other hand it is serious because I was seriously thinking about it and looking at methods. And I want to be open about it. That’s the best way to deal with it I guess, not locking it inside.
When I think about suicide I always end up thinking about what I would write here. Not what I would write in a letter to my family, no what I would write in my blog. What does that say about my life?
Well, at least it says that I know some wonderful people online, people that I don’t want to hurt or let down. And that’s a good thing.
Suicide isn’t as easy as you’d think, thank god. Or maybe it’s just that I still have a will to live.
Let’s not be depressed. It was good to get out. Catch up on overdue work. And back to the playground. Because of the snowstorming and the depression I hadn’t seen the goats since Thursday. Much too long.
I still know how to smile.¨And Mads still knows how to look devilish.
Sometimes he just stares off into the distance. I like that. I wonder what goes on in his head.
Beautiful Magnethe in the beautiful snow.
The snow is hard. There’s a top layer of almost ice. Not watery ice, like the diamonds. But snow that’s frozen solid. It makes it hard to walk around in it. Not least for the animals. The goats had kept to the sides of their fold, so the center was untouched snow. I walked around in it a little, and the goats followed me. When they stepped on the snow they would break through the solid top layer. Hard for them to walk like that, staggering forward, every step crunching through the ice. Extremely cute to watch too though. A little like Bambi on ice, only their legs punching through the ice instead of sliding around.
I went and got a blanket in the rabbit house. Per had told me that I could use it when I wanted. Handy. The bench had a big layer of snow and the ice on top. So I had to clear out a spot for me. And then Mads of course jumped up next to me, ice and snow flying everywhere.
It’s not all so bad. It’s only in my head.
Posts
January 24th, 2006 at 0:49 e
it took me a long time to realize that life is worth living. and even now i wonder sometimes. i have researched methods and such too. and that’s always not a good sign. but at the same time. it’s better to fantasize about it than to actually do it. hang in there. there are many beautiful things in the world worth seeing and experiencing. like snowstorms and pretty girls and rainbows and goats and moomincats. sometimes i get into a funk. i’m pretty funky right now actually, and it’s probably time for me to start looking for a new therapist. so i’m going to have to do that. put your courage in the sticking place. love ya!
January 24th, 2006 at 18:35 e
Hi there Plume. Been there, done that too. But in the end, the thought that always helped me to hang in there was that, for one reason or the other, this stuff is kinda selfish. I didn’t give myself life, so to take it isn’t in my competence either. Plus, there are a lot of people out there, who care for your well-being. It’s a great thing that you let us share this period of your life & I believe I could have been a lot better off if I wasn’t afraid of talking about it openly. There isn’t a single human being on this planet that hasn’t thought about disappearing at one or another stage in their lives, and of that i’m sure. And what helped them get through these rough periods was… hope & the will to live. And you’ve got that in you Plume, I know you do. Remember, time is a healer and as Maile mentioned, too many beautiful things are around & there are still lots of them to see. I think that consulting your therapist (I like to call mine ‘the wizard of Oz’ :) could be a good idea at this time. Just tell me if you need a good kick in the behind to do that, I’m always there at your service ;) I’m going to my therapist next week, because right now I’m kinda confused of which road to take in my relationships with people & studies. She’s like my personal coach of the inside & I really hope she can give me some good advice. Hey, if I don’t give that lady a visit, I’ll never know.
Amigo, I hope I didn’t sound like a moralising old lady, but remember, I’m here for leaving long & friendly comments ;)
p.s. the pics are magnificent!
p.p.s. hugs n kisses
Mills
January 24th, 2006 at 18:36 e
oh, and…
p.p.p.s. Maile, good luck! :)
January 28th, 2006 at 5:29 e
Plume I found your website thru bbbbbbbbbbabyannnimals. I’d written in your journal before or I left some sort of note. I am writing you to tell you about my heartbreak that my 14 yr old son left me with after he hung himself. No – I am not talking you off the ledge there are times when I would join you on that ledge, but just to hold you and tell you the hurt I have gone through for 3 yrs since he has been gone. You remind me alot of him with your ruddy cheeks. Your journal is fabulous and being from New Mexico it is just amazing I love your diamonds and pearls pictures. I have cried every day for 3 years for my son. I don’t know why I’m writing this maybe just to say if you were to complete sucide I would miss your lovely journal thats all. A friend in New Mexico