August 2000 entries.
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2000-08-23 - 01:59
Into the nothingness we run to shy away from things we've done
bye bye Plume
I've come to hate those 3 words. And you always say them when I'm typing some long, clever, funny line. And I'm left deleting all the letters I've typed so I can quickly say goodbye.
if you're giving in then you're giving up
I feel like throwing up
I can tell you once were pretty
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2000-08-23 - 01:55
New York SYNC
You make me cry. I almost wish you wouldn't even talk to me if you're just going to leave immediately. It feels like an empty gesture. Like "Hi we're still friends and we'll talk soon I promise but I just have to do some stuff first. I'll see you around, honestly." ..."Call my agent and set up a meeting, I think friday's good for me".............
You say goodbye but you're still online. I don't even think I believe you're going to wash your hair. You're lying. Or you're not. Maybe you're just saying goodbye to your real friends. The cool people. etc
I can't live when living is without you
ha
I wish we'd never met. So I could cry about other things. Fuck you so fucking much. I miss you.
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2000-08-23 - 00:10
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
Well well. Who would have guessed. Brøndby lost. Of course. It's sickening to see a referee help the big German team against the small Danish side. I mean if the linesmen don't know how to use the offside rule properly then why fucking have one. Get rid of the offside rule then. Put now we have the big German side in the big Champions League instead of Brøndby. So everybody at UEFA can be happy. SSssssiigh
Man, I miss playing soccer in the rain. I do. Gym class. PE as you might call it. I miss that one day especially. Completely gray, rain pounding. The field was all muddy. We were all soaked and having a great time. It was so fun. So great. I miss playing soccer with them. Sometimes I miss them a lot. Sometimes I miss school... I never thought I'd say that, he he. Nevermind,
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2000-08-22 - 17:17
A celestial entry...please gimme the new name?
So you're going to college? Good for you. Happy hunting. Nice of you to mention it. Talk to you later. Yeah right. Well, I guess that was our 5 minutes for the day. Allthough it was more like 2.
Posted on amsp yesterday. Get shot down. But hey it's okay. I'm not good enough for them. Back to the o board instead.
I bet Celestial won't give me the new diary name. That would make me sad... you're number two on my bookmarks, angel. Please give it to me?
It's quiet. A little windy outside. The sound of typing. Mum half a sleep in the chair. God knows where Daddy is, daddy left me behind.
Brøndby plays tonight. A lost cause. But we've won our last two games 12-1 and hsv just lost 4-0 in the bundesliga. So why not? Ah, I'm getting my hopes up so I can be nice and crushed. At least it's live on German tv so I can watch us burnnnnnnnn. And at least we still go to the UEFA cup if we lose. So it's not all bad. It's not so baaaaad. Right?
I'm trying to make this look like an ordinary diary in case Celestial stops by. It's not really a diary. Don't be fooled. I'm not going to tell you what I did today (mainly because I did nothing as usual).
In case anyone wondered here's what lies on top of my computer: A joystic. A Calvin&Hobbes comic book. Several Smashing Pumpkins booklets. A lot of paper with notes, lyrics and whatevers on them. And probably a nice dust coating too. Pistol Pete missed. Baha, that's funny if you know why. Trust me. As Corrie knows everything I say that sounds stupid is actually clever but I'm just dumbing it down because I'm too intelligent for most people to understand me. So whenever I sound like an idiot it's just proof that I'm a genious.... remember that, please.
I like the sound of fingers running across a keyboard. And the feeling. I'm sad, aren't I?
Only an hour left then I have all the Friends&Enemies of Modern Music songs in 256 too. All the demos are mine. I'm so proud. Downloading a 22mb file with a transfer rate of 2kb/sec is not my idea of fun. I prefer the transfer rate to be 1,34kb/sec as usual. That's more my taste. The slower the better, and the bigger the file the better. I'm going to hate dsl. Assuming it works out, most likely it will screw up my computer totally. Stupid computer. It's just waiting for an opportunity to kick my ass. Get me addicted to the net and then kaboom. No more. blarhg
I tried. I really did. Now please can I have the address? I wouldn't want to have to go get a life of my own...
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2000-08-22 - 03:15
And I was never the man I'm supposed to be, I carved my heart in sock and a watch, fell, and you left me too
the useless drag of another day
being forgotten
in your sad machines you'll forever be
you're a ssssttttarrrrr
ain't it funny how we pretend we're still a child
softly stolen under a blanket skies
and rescue me from me
I won't deny the pain
I won't deny the change
and should I fall from grace
here with you
would you leave me too LEAVE ME TOO??
carve out your hearts
foor keeps in an old ooooak treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
hold me for goodbyes and whispered
lullabyes
and tell me I am still
the man I'm supposed to be (Hah, der kom den fra)
I won't deny the pain
and sh
Skip out of school and run around like the fools we are
I don't look in the mirror
I don't like what I see staring back at me
Everything is clearer
I'll never see what (I HATE THAT FUCKING DOORSLAM) you see
it's not me so beautiful and free
I'll never be what you need
can't help it at all
I was born so beautiful but now I'm ugly
and I rot in my skin
as a piece of me dies every day
I know I'm nothing
I know there's nothing I can say
to change
the judgement in their ways
I'll never be what you need
can't help it at all
my love was so beautiful but now I'm ugly
I'm good enough but I don't care
I'm good enoúgh but I'm not there
the sun is out but I'm not there
I'm good enough but I don't care
I'm good enough (somewhere)
don't look in the mirror
don't like what I see staring back at me
everything is clearer
I'll never see what you see
and I rot in my skin
as a piece of me dies every day
I know I'm nothing
because I'm ugly
.
wishing you were real
a thing that already is divine
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2000-08-22 - 02:56
To forgive for nothing less moment
Fuck the MCIS2 Demos are good. Fuck fuck fuck. I will be profane, sacred and profane thank you very much. When I'm with her I feel fine......... my one and only. It's killing me, Corrie is killing me softly. Med soft ice og pølser. Oh Lily I know you love me cause as they're dragging me away I swear I saw her raise her hand and wave......goodbye. dead eyes dead eyes and are you just like me? Another empty afternoooon, no part just sing along with my own song. I forget about where it all began the bastard son of a bastard son of a bastard son of a bastard son of a bastard son of a bastard bastard, right as rain, I'm not the same, but I feel the same, I feel nothing, holding back the fool again, holding back the fool pretends, I forget to forget nothing is important, holding back the fool again. I sensed my loss before I even learned to talk, I remember my birthdays empty party afternoons won't come back, holding back the plume again, holding back the plume pretends, I forget to forget, nothing is important. Holding back the plume again. I forget to forget. Nothing is important to me.
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2000-08-22 - 02:41
No surprises, just a quiet life, no surprises please
I'm almost at the point of hating you
Or just myself ... as usual
sic
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2000-08-22 - 01:08
In the hooooood
An email a day. And tomorrow goes the letter with my picture. So the love should be gone soon enough. And hey why not............... sfg
And I'll mail it while going shopping tomo.. Isn't that great? I'm sorry I'm not my usual brilliant funny self. I know that's what y'all expect from me. Stardom is so hard. Sometimes I just want to be a nobody. Curse these grand thoughts of mine. Curse my dashing good looks. Curse my overflowing self confidence. I need a vacation on the Bahamas to take my mind of things.
Or I'll fry some crud, read some diaries, train a little, write an email or two and go to fucking bed. See you in dreamland little red riding hooooooooooooooooooooood
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2000-08-20 - 01:44
To love and hold you.. maybe you need me around, I had no love, I had no shame, I had no cause, just 17 days of rain, and you... in my eyes....
sigh
Did a little cleaning in my room
my desk... full of old emails... I used to print them out... and letters.
Threw stuff out
Looked at the emails you'd sent. How nice it was back then. How you doubted me but still wrote to me... How you reacted to my secret... Looked at your picture... smelled the perfume... a couple of stars fell on my bed... I still have them in the envelope you know... Fuck I miss that. So much. Fool for thinking it would last. Should have known I'd drive you away... I guess I knew. I even told you didn't`I? Maybe you got sick of that...
Threw out all those emails... I still have the Corrie file even though it's no longer in use... Ha, in one of the emails you said that I should make a Corrie1, Corrie2, Corrie3.... one for each month but not for August cause it's too hot to bother... ha, that was fun back then. Now it's bitter reality. No Corrie file needed for August. Or September... Or ever again. A wise young fool............SDfgjnbd
For det er forbi. Leave me like everyone does... Forlad mig, lad mig rådne... lad mig leve for evigt uden dig, maybe I loved you, maybe I'll love skye... I just know you're the one I miss the most. Everything is fucked. Everything is fucked. Everything isfucked. Everyhinth is gufked ieverthin si for cked ieverything is fucked. I don't care you knew exactly who I am might escape you always the fortunesof a mannnnnnnnnnn. A wise young fool.
YEAP... There it goes playing with my mind again.
.
.
.
http://nspaa.student.utwente.nl/Demos/MCIS2/
Download 12.Depresso
be patient, it's slow sometimes
download everything else too
I'm not even supposed to give out that link. It's hidden treasure. If you like pumpkins. But since no one reads this anyway I think I'm safe.
Now go to hell, please
please?
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2000-08-20 - 23:04
beejay
I had a slight headache today. Then I slept for 30 minutes and it disappeared. My plan worked. A 30 minute nap was better than the pillers. How nice. And I don't need your love to disconnect
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2000-08-20 - 16:38
bad
yay, I got all the Gravity Demos and all the Friends & Enemies of Modern Music now... coolness. I like that. And of course my girlfriend (such as she is) ís off on vacation and I'm all alone. And I still will be when she comes home. It's worrying. It's going to go too far. Bad things will happen... bad.
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2000-08-20 - 01:40
Death of a self appointed salesman
Stewpac you didn't die in vain,
You know when happycouple died I thought you'd at least ask... I thought you'd care, silly me. Fuckit. Let's not talk now either
kiss kiss
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2000-08-19 - 22:15
Geronimorality
She even loves Monty Python and Fawlty towers... She could be the girl of my dreams. She could be the greatest thing that ever happened to me. And I'll fucking fuck it up.Bah
and what do you care? 2:40 online. Working your ass of I can see. Maybe you took my advice and cut back baby
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2000-08-19 - 19:59
Sadness follows
Yeah, she loves me. And now she has a boyfriend on the net, me. And the same day... her dad decides that she can't use the internet for more than an hour a day when school starts. So we won't talk as much.... it makes her sad.... a romantic tragedy unfolds... And next week she's on vacation. And she loves me and she loves me and she loves and she loves me. That's the strangest thing that's ever happened to me... but whatever. I don't know. Seeyalaterz<
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2000-08-18 - 16:38
Doesn't even bother me
This is the kinda time when I wish we could still talk. Like friends. But we probably won't talk today either. And I probably wouldn't tell you anyway. I mean you'd probably think that I wouldn't want to marry you anymore :F
And all I need is you by my side
by my side
by my side
chewing gum
wondering where I've been and what I've done
wondering where I'll go and where I'll run
hide myself away from everyone
chewing gum
got myself a piece of
chewing gum
got myself a piece of
chewing gum
got myself a piece of
chewing gum
.
.
yeah, it almost look stupid when you type it out like that but it's a great song. Support pumpkins, buy adore, download real love. Go on you'll be glad you did.
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Is that the most beautiful way of saying she loves me? Asking me to read Said Sadly. I wish I could've played along, it would have been cool. Innnnnstead of what I said and what I did. And all. Let's hope it doesn't change anything. Who knows I might end up loving here. It started as Romeo & Juliette but it ended as a tragedy.
.
.
destiny will hide the sense of your time
once in a while
.
you'll make it so alone..
.
.
.bla
I don't know what to say. You'll try to care oncein a while for me. And I will be there once in a while, once ina while for you, once in awhile.. for you
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We are wired into sadness, connected by smashed pumpkins, we're disarmed with smiles, we're running wild into the great zeroherohereisnowhyisnothere
.
.
Confused, Denmark
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2000-08-18 - 04:22
It's love, what you needed to need
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
she says she loves me. No one has ever said anything so nice and yet so scary to me. Never. I don't know what to do. It's 4:22 I need to go to bed. But how can I leave now. I don't know what to do. Fuck fuck fuck. Can a taste of love be so wrong? This is my best dream and worst nightmare. This is so strange. So fucked up. I want to love her back, but how can I when I am who I am who I am who am I. You hear about people falling in love over the net.. wbut how could anyone love me? How how howhowhow. I'm afraid it isn't reallllllleyloveewhateverIdon't know what to say. Goodnight America, whereever youare
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2000-08-17 - 19:22
Animal kingdom
Jennifer Aniston with a moose...
Does it get any better than that? I wonder..
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2000-08-17 - 17:22
We need water let the motherfucker cool
I'm going to say this once again: You need to put your feet in cold water! It's the thing to do. Trust me, you'll love it. I'll give you your money back if it doesn't work out for you...Blewblewawaybutidontwannastayblewblew
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2000-08-17 - 16:50
Let all the girls kiss the boys at last
I can't stand the sound of onions being chopped. I just can't. It makes me sick. Sick sick sick.
Pale scales but beauty sleeps forever,
you're on, I'm on. We're not talking. I miss you. That's the whole point of this diary. I really only need one entry, I miss you, but hey, I'll make 200 entries about it. I miss you :(
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2000-08-17 - 16:13
And now for something completely the same
Where did all the flowers go?
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2000-08-17 - 16:11
And now for something completely different...
http://mb.smashingpumpkins.com/ubb/Forum6/HTML/002023.html
A glimpse into my life (such as it is)
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2000-08-17 - 14:12
In my mind I'm everyone of you
I had my first threesome last night. No I'm sorry no sex yet, damn. But me Skye and ´Britt on AIM. It was nice. Took some of the pain away from "going to adryon" byebye.
If I hadn't wanted to try the sound thing I probably wouldn't even had said hello, and you probably wouldn't either. Maybe that would have been better than the usual 5 minutes. As I went to bed last night I thought up this whole conversation between us where I told you all the crap and shit and fuckfuck that goes on in my mind. How I sometimes wish we hadn't met because you became my best friend for the last 5-6 years and now we're like strangers passing on the street. And a lot of other stuff. I wanted to type it all here but what's the point?
I love you forever
we're never together
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2000-08-17 - 14:07
Let it come down
Wow, we just had the most amazing rainstorm. I think it's passed by now, didn't last long. It's still raining but a couple of minutes ago it was pounding down so hard it was almost a hailstorm. But with rain. If that makes sense. And my dear mum most be coming home from work in this weather, how lovely.
She told me to shave. But I can't remember if it was a dream or if it really happened. STrange...
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2000-08-16 - 17:30
56k modems and a gun to my head½
Pacman's high on crack and so am I
actually one of those two is a lie, guess which one?
I just saw an episode of Simpsons. Homer pictured himself moving to the great outdoors, he was sitting on the ground writing in the journal. Guess what date it was? March 15th! That's my birthday, pussyface! Isn't that the wildest trip? Oh yeah, that made me happy in so many ways.
My mother made me french fries (pommes frittes?). They were fried all black and tasted bad. You'd think fast food was eassy to make, no?
Now she's watching Ricki Lake. I feel like a clicheeeeeeee.
Can anyone point my way to some Marked songs? Other than the 11 on nspaa? I want pelican! I want all the rest. I think I deserve it. Who else has downloaded more than 2 gigabytes of pumpkins songs with a 56k modem and a transfer rate of 2kb/sec (on good days!)? I think I've suffered enough. Gimme gimme gimme.
That reminds me of an old Kings Quest game I used to play at a friends house. And the evil wizard. I think there was a cheatmode activated by typing gimme or something like that. Interesting, I know!
bzzzzzzz½
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2000-08-15 - 01:13
Fast Forward to the good parts
She wants to run away with her parents money, come stay with me, or I come stay with her and protect her from her dad. It breaks my heart so. She could be the one that gets away. And I know inside it will never happen. Maybe it would never happen anyway, but it breaks my heart that there won't be a chance. But then my heart is broken in 777 different places already. I want a stuffed tiger that comes to life when there's no one around. I think I need that in my life.
Finally watched Asteroids. I dragged the miles through it. Damn it sucked. American mini series. Not crappy enough to be interesting (like the killer ants one almost was) but just long and boring with clichees. Oh what heroes they were. I think I need an asteroid to fall on my head someday soon. Now I'm only stuck with 10 episodes of Lexx that I can't seem to be bothered watching. And Plan 9 From outer space. I really need to watch some of the things I tape so I can get the videos free and ready for the next thing I want to watch but can't quite be bothered to watch live. I need to tape my life and live it some other time. I think I'll go do that now.
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2000-08-15 - 10:23:25
We are the stumbling pumpkins
I know you better than you can fake it
.
Kids playing ball outside the house, I fucking hate it. Sooner or later that ball will end up in our garden (hehe) or they'll play it up against the wall. Or they'll pull out guns and demand all my money. Something like that. Kids suck. And adults too. Everybody sucks. And I don't even care where my bones will restto dust I guess. I should have been born in 1979 instead of 1978. And the 13th not the 15th March. That would have been cooool. I'm living in the past of a future that never was. Bye
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2000-08-15 - 04:03
The house that Jack built
Thrice in a night, you'd be proud of me Corrie.
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2000-08-15 - 03:01
It's no MST3K
Damn I miss Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It just struck me when I zapped to an old crappy movie. I haven't seen MST3K in years, but suddenly I had the urgent need to hear commentary for that crappy movie. I can't even remember the robots names... Tom Servo was one. Crow? Oh, I miss that show. I miss it I miss it I miss it. It's silly that I miss it so much. God I miss it. Maybe it's a metaphor for the bigger things I miss in my life. Or maybe I just fucking miss watching it.
Goodnight Skye and Britt. And goodnight Corrie. Where ever you are. Silly American girl. I wonder where things went wrong? I wonder why....
Hope there's a place in heaven for you Jake. And all the rest I don't even know the names of
. Night all
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2000-08-14 - 19:20
Hokus Krokus
I need more entries. Happycouple had so many. I need a lot of stupid entries with one sentence or maybe even two. I need filler material. This'll do nicely
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2000-08-14 - 19:20
Corrie. Says Lasse
Oh yeah. I just found a shitload of celebstories. What a boy wants, what a boy needs.
Yes, I'm doing better today, thank you for asking. I'm not a sickie anymore. RRRreally.
I'm sorry that things are like that Corrie. You probably think I'm a mean joke part of it all. It doesn't matter. You could still have a friend in me but it doesn't seem like you want it that much. I guess we've had our five minutes of the day. See you tomorrow.
She's at it again.
My watch itches.
Oranges my ass.
I just spilled water all over the carpet. I like to sit with my feet in cold water. It soothes me. But I tipped the container and now it's all wet.
I bet I'll get a letter from my caseworker soon. The holidays are over. Soon I'll be haunted again. I'll need to explain why I haven't done any off the stuff I was supposed to. Fuckitall.
Don't you just want to? I am one
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2000-08-14 - 03:44
Rain falls on every one
I miss the sound of rain against the roof
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2000-08-13 - 22:42
Wife swapping
More invasion of privacy: " if i knew you in real life (i mean not just on the net) i suppose i would love you, you like pumpkins and you're intelligent so that's perfect". Shit. Oh, I'm loved. If she only knew... I'm sure she'll get tired of me too though. So no worries.
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2000-08-13 - 20:59
Di-no-saur
".well i had a strange dream last night, there was some kinda dinosaur or so, and it wanted to eat me, but you saved me from it,...so maybe that's why you're feeling not really alright now :-),...thanx for saving me :-)"
Wow, she dreamt of me. How nice. I remember I dreamt of you when we began talking. Now I'm the face in her dreams of glass.
My body feels beaten up. I'm aching. I need a massage. I need someone to rub my shoulders. But sometimes a someone is so hard to find. And I'd do anything to keep her here tonight.
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2000-08-13 - 01:47
Fly, in the sky, no more words, just you and I-ball
Hmm. Seems like Hello is popular. It's Irish Aidan's new fave. And Sarra even linked to it in her diary. See Corrie? You inspire my greatest work. You're my muse. My unintended even.
That was clever. Hope y'all got that one. Tehee.
your innocence is treasure
your drug abuse is death
your alienation is pleasure
your sanctuary is your bed
I'm rhymant
Nthonei buut memmoriess
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2000-08-13 - 00:49
My so called undervognsbehandling
I mentioned this in happycouple but lets do it again. I wish Krakow had got the girl. He's my hero. And here's the song that was so great all the way back when:
.
.I close my door at night,
But they get in all right,
And she turns on the light.
I held her hands so tight,
'Cause words don't come out right,
And she sees things at night.
Me, I'm closer to the door,
I don't get scared no more,
But I don't know the score.
If I could hold them in my hand,
I'd make them understand.
I'm not a haunted mind,
I'm not a thoughtless kind.
If I could put them in a jar,
I know they wouldn't scar,
I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.
I close my door at night,
But she gets in all right
So I turn on the light.
I held her hand too tight,
Too hard to make it right,
So I could sleep at night.
If I could hold them in my hand,
I'd make them understand.
I'm not a haunted mind,
I'm not a thoughtless kind.
If I could put them in a jar,
I know they wouldn't scar,
I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.
I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.
I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.
I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.
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2000-08-12 - 21:13
Everybody do the Bart-man
My legs are sore. A very short trip to the bank, most of it in a bus, and my legs are aching. I need to get out more. Or preferably not get out at all.
I need to rot in my skin
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2000-08-12 - 03:38
Snickkkkkkkkkker
I really should start doing drugs to take my mind of my life. It works for you, right?
Send me some weed in your next letter. Oh yeah, I forgot... I won't get anymore letters from you. Remember we talked about sending letters at the same time so we could spot the differences between Danish and American postal services. Ha. How could I have known that that would be the last letter I ever sent you? Should have known we'd get shot down for thinking we'd last forever. There's a quote somewhere in there but I can't remember. Lets just pretend that I made it up. Me and my great mind. we'll watch the seasons die
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2000-08-12 - 03:03 (really!)See what the funnyman said about the funnythings in the funnyland. WE DON'T NEED NO WATER LET THE MOTHERFUCKER BURN BURN MOTHERFUCKER
put your hands down my pants and I bet you'll feel nuts
yes I'm siskel
yes I'm ebert
and you're getting to thumbs up
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.
.
Where do they get this. I wish I could write like that. Or alternatively that I could get women like they get. Bah. Maybe I misspelled some words. Like misspelled. But I'm Danish so I'm excused.
.
.
I wonder if Andrew is still alive. I know someone who knows him. Yes, I'm talking about you Corrie. You know him. Cause I says so. I got such a nice email from him when I signed up from Diaryland. I could hear he cared about me. I could even email him if I had trouble. Haaaaaaa. Why not admit it's a robot when it's so obvious. Oh, I'm sure Andrew cares deeply about every single one of the people using his precious diaryland. Two thumbs up, andieboy.
Well, he's funny.
And I don't hate him
He's an all right guy
He just needs to pay me some money for the great work I do attracting readers to his little diarylandthingie.
.
.
.
Tick tack the clock is running
and you're lying sad captain hook
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2000-08-12 - 02:55
Makes me cry all night :(
Damn it's nice to talk. Even if it's about nothing. I should sit and talk with her this late. I should go stuff my face and make the pain go away. But I find it hard to say goodbye. She's not nearly as funny as you corrie, but she's nice. And she's there for me. hint hint
Oh yeah, dad called from Greenland today. Talked to dear mama. "It's nice to know that you're...alive too". God, he's such an asshole. Feel the love. Feel thefuckinglove. Well, maybe a polar bear will eat him for lunch. Leave me like you left me here to wither in denial the bitterness of one who's left alone. Disarm was the first. And the greatest. Those words ring so true. The killer in me is the killer in you. I used to be a little boy. And now I'm not the man I'm supposed to be, so what's a boy supposed to do.
I send this smile over to you :(
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2000-08-12 - 02:46
I didn't mean to pop that up!
Why does my icons keep changing. In particular my .txt files icon. It takes all weird kinds of shapes and forms. Stupid computers.
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2000-08-12 - 02:41
Sing it out of tune
I see people dying
I see friends arguing
what a wonderful world
I see kids kidnapped
I see animals tortured
what a wonderful world
I see hate and anger
I see lost souls
what a wonderful world
they're really saying I hate you
and I think to myself
what a wonderful world
.
.
.
Well, I meant to rewrite it all clever like to get a point across but since I suck this is the best I can do. What a wonderful world :S
:S means sarcasm
it's not a smiley
I hate smileys
I don't like :F
I do'nt really gettit
you never sent me a picture of one of your friends doing the real life f-boy
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2000-08-12 - 01:37
I love adore
Yup it's 01:37 in Denmark. The scandinavian night. One day we'll sit in it together, me and skye. I should start writing this to her and not you, eh corrie? You'll probably find this and read this and hate me even more. But on the plus side it might make you believe I exist. Unless this whole diary was created for you to find and to trick you into believing. Well, it doesn't matter. I don't exist. I am not real. I'm the fucking zombie. The walking dead. And nothing I do matters. When I'm dead the world won't exist and all my faults and bad moves will be erased. So the pain will be gone gone gone in a flash unreal long gone.
Brøndby lost to hamburg. 2-0. We were much the better side but we lost, they scored twice in the last ten minutes. No Champions League. There was a time when Brøndby could pull me out of my depression and lift my spirit. That was when they were one of the best soccer sides of Scandinavia. In theory they should still be but the results are failing and with every lost game I get more depressed and hate it all more. Fuck soccer, fuck you. And you're lying...
Ilikethatbit. And you're lying sad peter pan. I don't know why that speaks to me. It's not even a pumpkins song originally.
www.geocities.com/boypumpking. Get One Less Moment. And the phone call cause that's cute. "I am one, pick up the motherfucking phone...." hehe. I wish Billy would leave a message on my answerphone. I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen. IWannabewannabe wanna be Jim Morrison. and if London burns and if the world does turn I'll be standing on the beach with my guitar I wanna be in a band when I get to heaven anyone can play guitar and they won't be a nothing anymore
Yyyyeahhh, Radiohead rules tooo. Not as good as SP, corrie. But they're brilliant. I'm probably screwing up all the quotes. But I like quotes. I quote therefore I am. I'm the quoteman.
to the center of the earth, as if written in, DNA is reaching out, to your frequency.
And then he sings some crap that I don't agree with. What's with the positivity anyway? Eels were so much better it was about his sister's suicide and his mother's cancer and all that. I don't like the "It was all bad but now I'm through the hurt and feeling better" records. I want the flipping depression. I want the pain. The hurt. The anger. I want the rage and I'm still just a rat in a cage. At least he changed "and I don't believe that I cannot be saved" to "and I still believe that I cannot be saved". That's muchos muchos ghali better.
I think I need a new live version of Ghost + the glass children. The one I have isn't the best. I love downloading. When I get my DSL it'll go so fast that it will be ruined. I need slow downloads in the background while I do everything else. Eeeep. I'll never get the DSL to work anyway. It'll be the end of the world as I know it. Bla.
Right. Bye bye bye, baby bye bye bye
slit your wrists and die a whore
love to love to love what you adore
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2000-08-12 - 01:37
I love adore
Yup it's 01:37 in Denmark. The scandinavian night. One day we'll sit in it together, me and skye. I should start writing this to her and not you, eh corrie? You'll probably find this and read this and hate me even more. But on the plus side it might make you believe I exist. Unless this whole diary was created for you to find and to trick you into believing. Well, it doesn't matter. I don't exist. I am not real. I'm the fucking zombie. The walking dead. And nothing I do matters. When I'm dead the world won't exist and all my faults and bad moves will be erased. So the pain will be gone gone gone in a flash unreal long gone.
Brøndby lost to hamburg. 2-0. We were much the better side but we lost, they scored twice in the last ten minutes. No Champions League. There was a time when Brøndby could pull me out of my depression and lift my spirit. That was when they were one of the best soccer sides of Scandinavia. In theory they should still be but the results are failing and with every lost game I get more depressed and hate it all more. Fuck soccer, fuck you. And you're lying...
Ilikethatbit. And you're lying sad peter pan. I don't know why that speaks to me. It's not even a pumpkins song originally.
www.geocities.com/boypumpking. Get One Less Moment. And the phone call cause that's cute. "I am one, pick up the motherfucking phone...." hehe. I wish Billy would leave a message on my answerphone. I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen. IWannabewannabe wanna be Jim Morrison. and if London burns and if the world does turn I'll be standing on the beach with my guitar I wanna be in a band when I get to heaven anyone can play guitar and they won't be a nothing anymore
Yyyyeahhh, Radiohead rules tooo. Not as good as SP, corrie. But they're brilliant. I'm probably screwing up all the quotes. But I like quotes. I quote therefore I am. I'm the quoteman.
to the center of the earth, as if written in, DNA is reaching out, to your frequency.
And then he sings some crap that I don't agree with. What's with the positivity anyway? Eels were so much better it was about his sister's suicide and his mother's cancer and all that. I don't like the "It was all bad but now I'm through the hurt and feeling better" records. I want the flipping depression. I want the pain. The hurt. The anger. I want the rage and I'm still just a rat in a cage. At least he changed "and I don't believe that I cannot be saved" to "and I still believe that I cannot be saved". That's muchos muchos ghali better.
I think I need a new live version of Ghost + the glass children. The one I have isn't the best. I love downloading. When I get my DSL it'll go so fast that it will be ruined. I need slow downloads in the background while I do everything else. Eeeep. I'll never get the DSL to work anyway. It'll be the end of the world as I know it. Bla.
Right. Bye bye bye, baby bye bye bye
slit your wrists and die a whore
love to love to love what you adore
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2000-08-12 - 01:03
You're forgetting the two eternal truths of the buddha... I am not...
I just got Bonanza all over the keyboard. See I have this SodaStream nozzle thingie... nevermind´. Bonanaza, by the way, is a nice sickly green drink. "Sport" they claim. I bet it isn't healthy. But it's better than soda. I have a soda problem. I drink too much of it. I don't touch alcohol but soda... oh I need the burn of the bubbles. I'm starting to drink too much of it. I'm up to a 1 1/2 liter cola and a 1 1/2 liter orange a day. That's not good. It costs too much. And since I don't like leaving the house it's hard to buy that much. I used to drink half that amount. But it's risen again. Because I've got plenty of money. Yes, today I went to the bank and got my money for nothing. Unemployement rules. Gimme gimme gimme. I'm loaded but I have no where to go.
I decided to take the bus to the bank. Even though it's not that far away. I prefer biking cause then I don't have to be up and close with other bus goers. But I'm too goddamn lazy to bike all the short way to the bank. The trip home is uphill and kills me. Almost. The plus thing about the bus is that I can look at asses. There were a couple of nice ones today. I like that. I shouldn't stare but when you're starved like me you just have to look at those nice hors d'oeuvres. I'm not french I just like my sex that way. Bah.
Simpsons are on. I love them. I don't care. I'm never gonna grow up. Don't even think about it. And you're lying sad peter pan, you're lying. And you're lying and you're lying. You're lying sad peter pan.
I think I like skye better than corrie. I'm sorry corrie, but it hurts that we don't speak. We're even on aim at the same time sometimes and still we don't speak. I get my five minutes and then you're off. And I'm lucky if I get a goodbye. It hurts me. Skye doesn't hurt me. Not yet.
There hasn't been many emails these past few days. Which is nice. I never have the time to answer. I'm not that crazy about writing emails. The only one I enjoy writing to is Corrie and she's cancelled our email exchange. I'm bitter. and you're lying...
Here's what skye just said on aim: "but well i don't care that much, i would only care if would lose Britt, you, Maaike or other more close people,"
see why I like her better than you corrie? I bet you wouldn't give a fuck if you lost me. Wouldn't change a thing. And I've already lost you anyway
Right this entry is too long. People will start thinking this is an actual diary. And then they'd start to expect diary like stuff. And then I'd get thousands (yes thousands)
of complaints when I go back to the usual whining crap.
http://www.geocities.com/spboarddatabase
...andletthesefeelingscomebetweenus...
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2000-08-10 - 20:14
The greatest entry that I have ever really known
"August 8th, 2000 - 05:31:35
Soon I will hang out with Adryon, Brian, and Mikey. I'm so excited!! Two exclamations!"
yeah... Go hang with your friends. Who needs you? Not me. I'm better off by myself. I bet you were never excited to hang with me. Now we don't even hang. Deserves a quiet night I'm not sure all these people understand. And what if there were two? Side by side in orbit around the fucking sun has blessed and all the people have gone home. You were all so kind when I was near and maybe I neeeeed you around.
The aeroplane flies high and crashes into the cliffside by side in orbit. Baah.
Jeg er så glad for min cykel..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................t.oth...he.....ce.nte......r ......of. th e......... e...ar.th...............or. anywhere god decides,
written in dna
I'm inspiredddddddddddddd
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2000-08-10 - 17:25
Say Kentilla. Kill Urga. Exam Urga. Say to Elva "get knife". Exam Urga. Get key. Open door.
How come my glasses get greasy and dirty on the inside when I fry bacon? You'd think the outside would get stained from all the fat flying around in the air? But it's like my eye is spraying dirt when I cook bacon I guess.
And it REALLY matters. It really does.
Come save my soul
nine little lines in someones http://mb.smashingpumpkins.com/ubb/Forum1/HTML/014141.html
My life is fucking interesting
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2000-08-10 - 14:53
SPread love all over the world
http://mercurytree.org/liveaudio.html
get real love
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2000-08-10 - 14:19
I'm a fat lazy loser and I plan to do nothing about it
My mother thinks it would be a good idea if I got a job...
I don't personally see how that would help anything.
I'm busy enough as it is. Being on the computer all day (apart from when I watch tv and eat)
No, I don't think that will happen...
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2000-08-10 - 02:29
sleep now in the fire
Goodnight to every little hour that you sleep tight
It's laaate in Denmark. I accomplished a lot today. I got myself a new diary. So I can really lose contact with Corrie. I hope she'll be sad when I stop doing happycouple. But she probably doesn't care- about me. It's not like we're close or anything haha. I'll forever be in her debt for the way she handled my secret. Thank you Corrie.
But I almost wish we'd never met. Then it wouldn't hurt as we drift apart. Why oh why did I even write to you in the first place? You want the truth? I hoped you'd be a foxy teenage chick who'd like to fulfill all my erotic fantasies. And of course you did. But how was I supposed to know that I'd feel so close to you. Almost love you at one point. You gave me a taste of friendship and then you disappeared. It's a good thing I didn't buy a microphone, eh? Would have been a waste of money when we never talk anymore. And I know you'll never find it. You wouldn't want to. And the tape... well, I don't know. Two months is a long time. Maybe it'll never happen. It won't matter anyway. I'll get the songs from Napster. When I get my DSL connection I'll download myself silly. I'll have to delete my backup of all the pumpkins stuff (I'm wasting almost 2 gigabytes on the backup. That's a fifth of my harddrive!). But I'll get it. Don't worry yourself. Just sit and listen to NSYNC. I bet you really do love them. BLarh.
Well, goodnight for now. We actually talked today, what a nice surprise. And I pretended that I was actually your friends tricking you. Just to hope you'll get a little hurt as you're hurting me. Or something. That something will happen. I'm sorry. I apologize for everything.
Night night
kiss kiss
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2000-08-10 - 02:29
I never loved you anywaaaaaaaay. Kick him in the NUTS!!!
I was going to put my wonderful poem "BITTERNESS REPAID" in here. But even in this anonymous diary I don't have the guts to show how fucked up I really am. It's about killing your parents. Nuff said. Don't worry, my dad's run away to Greenland so I couldn't kill him even if I wanted to :)
I'm fucking funny. Let me cum all over your keyobard. STick with me we'll last forever. I'm a perverted psycho in case I forgot to mention that. Yes I masturbate. Oh Corrie, I used to love our conversations about it. You're no Sarah Michelle Gellar but you got me aroused none the less.
Still I'm aroused by anything with tits. I'm a sexually frustrared loservirgin in case I didn't mention it.
Ah, when I got myself this new diary I wanted to be clever and funny and write about life's little happenings and get friends and stuff. I guess that's out the window with the things I've been writing. Four fucking entries and I've alienated the glove. Well, who cares. I don't need your love to disconnect, and you make it so real, I don't need your love to disconnect.
OH YEAH..... HAPPY BIRTHDAY SKYE. She told me she was 17 but she was really 16. How cute is that? She tought 16 sounded so young, well... now she's 17. Someone should warn her about me. I'm bound to let her down. If I show you how will you let me down? Please let me dooooown.
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Here's a screwed up previously unreleased poem to show you the darkness of my soul. I wish it was more true than it is. How cool to be a servant of evil instead of the boring spineless nobody you see before you.
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UNANSWERED
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Can Satan see me now
offering my soul
singing a silent prayer
wishing he would take me
to burn in the flames
and perish in eternal pain
.
I draw pentagrams
carve 666 in my arm
I hate and sin
again and again
Waiting for my wish to be granted
Waiting for the end
but my prayers go unanswered
my life goes on
.
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I renamed SOMEWHAT SUICIDAL as SOMEWHAT on my website. I'm such a chicken. Ah, but at least I can tell all you dear readers that I'm a ´twisted motherfucker going down. Send you sympathy cards to the local graveyard.
And if you don't like to hear me whine then go away. I never said I would be interesting.
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2000-08-10 - 02:16
I'm in it for the money. And the chicks. Oh yeah and the Green Ketchup.
I actually had a crush on you. All those words you thought were quotes? They weren't. I quote a lot. But those words were my own. Don't be too flattered, it's just cause you're female and actually paid attention to me that I started to maybe love you a little. Now that you don't pay attention to me anymore I don't love you. You've lost me forever. Your loss, your loss. I'm the one who got away. You lost me to your great friends who scare the crap out of you. They're so nice. They took you away from me. Fuck them!
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Up yours. This diary is going to be the home of bitterness. Bitter bitter end of the world yeah when god sleeps in bliss. And if there is a god I know he likes to fuck with me. Who are you this time are you one of us jesus is the sun. I wish Billy wasn't into god . I wish he hated him like I do. I try not to believe in god but it's hard. I need some bigger force to blame for all my misfortune. That's much easier than taking responsibility for it myself. Bah. Sod of. Jeg behøver ikke at forklare jer nogetsomehelst. Up yours.
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PARANOIDXENOPHOBICANTURNITOFF (The original! Not the website one! This is previously unreleased live shit. Plume's Gravity Demos 1)
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I hate that I can't write
I hate that I can't write
I hate that I can't write
but still I write
.
I hate that I can't live
I hate that I can't live
I hate that I can't live
but still I'm alive
.
I hate that I don't have you
I hate that I don't have you
I hate that I don't have you
but still I want you
.
I hate everything
I hate everything
I hate everything
but still I love you
.
I hate me
but still I was born
I hate them
but still I depend
I hate this
but still I write it
I hate everything
I hate therefore I am
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.
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When I'm a famous poet these lines will be worth a lot. People will collect them like old pumpkins songs.
The 1989 demos. I fucking love Jennifer Ever, East, Sun... you name them, I love them. Or "I pray for more" by the Marked. That's goooood shit. Of course Billy Corgan's old crap is brilliant, my old crap is just as crap as my new crap.
I pity myself. That's what gets me through the night. it's all right. It's all right. I wonder if that's a Danish song or I'm just fucked out of this world. Exsqueeze me while I kiss the Skye.
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2000-08-10 - 02:04
Limelight. bzzzzz
Yeah, this is going to be one depressive fucking diary. Not that it's a diary. Just a place to vent the steam before I blow up. I'll blow you all to bits. It scares me to think that if I'd grown up in America and things had worked out slightly different I could have become one of those horrible school shooters. I could. I'm not even kidding. I could have cause a lot of pain to a lot of people. But instead I opted to just cause myself the pain. I guess that's good in a way.
Razor in my hand, nine little lines in someone's hand
Yeah, I still have a razorblade stained with blood somewhere. Ain't that nice? Don't you all want to love me? Don't you all feel the need to be my friend? Ain't I cuddly? Tickle me Plume. Give me to your kids at christmas and watch them play with me. Aren't you glad you decided to read this crap? Come on send me hatemail and bombthreats. Send me sympathy and advice. Leave me the fuck alone. I bleed your blood backstabbing fuckers. Siiiiick of me.
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AFTERLIFE & THE UNDEAD
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I'd kill myself for your love
cut my heart out
if it would prove a point
give it to you
still beating
I'd kill myself for you
.
I'm not alive without you anyway
just eternal torture
just flowing tears
witheld breath
endless days alone
and endless nights on my own
So I might as well die for you
see you on the other side
endless afterlife without you
just more torture and pain
bud I'd still kill myself for you
or me?
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This is the shit I'm too much of a coward to put on my website. What a great loss. What a great loss indeed.
Watch me rip off everything I know
watch it all disappear
riiiiiiiiht, right. As my love Corrie would say. Damn her oily hide, slipping away from me.
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2000-08-10 - 01:50
Zoooombie, it's in your head
I just told my secret to someone. Two persons know now. She did the same. Several times. She's troubled. But so nice. I like her. She wants to sit in the Scandinavian night with me someday. We can listen to her granddad's stories, though she's heard them all before. It makes me so sad that I know that can't happen. I almost wish for something to develop. Maybe love is possible. It's a damn sight more realistic over the internet then in real life for me. ´But who needs love anyway. I just hope we can remain friends. Before one of us makes finally succeeds. She's tried it several times. I only once. But not a day goes by without me thinking about doing it.
.
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All poets should die. God I wish Lindsay was in charge.
Please goto http://www.geocities.com/boypumpkin and read my crap selfpityfull poetry.
I can't put everything there. But I can here. Right? So why not.
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(I know I nicked the title and the concept and everything else but so what?)
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7 Ways To Kill A Man
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A gun to my head
I'm already dead
because she's not there
.
A knife through my heart
because we're apart
and I'm so alone right here
.
An overdose in my veins
to numb the pain
of not having her
.
A razor to my wrist
I don't want to exist
all by myself
.
A fall from up high
falling out of the sky
to crash out of this life
.
Step in front of a bus
but feel no loss
life is not mine to lose
.
Going to bed in the snow
and as the winter slowly kills me
I know
I won't have to need her anymore
.
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I always loved the idea of the snow. Dying in the snow. I love the snow so much. It's so beautiful and pure. So fresh and wonderful. I remember reading a Star Wars book (!) and something about people freezing to death in a spaceship. And it's supposed to be painless. I'd like to go that way. And become an ice sculpture.
I'm the zombie still walking though I'm dead.
I'm nothing and everything, my eternity alone.
Don't feel too bad cause I feel so sad
Just say goodnight to the folks
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2000-08-10 - 01:47
Nicotine and the art of self destruction
Let me just apologize to you in advance Corrie. You're not supposed to read any of this. I might say stupid things. I most certainly will say stupid things. If you find this then I'm sorry for everything I've said and done. It's only cause it hurts that we're drifting apart. I think I'll go on writing like yoy're reading this though. That way I can pretend I'm not completely talking to myself. Not that it matters. Just my life down the drain. Maybe I'll just go back to happycouple and pretend everything's ok.
Nevermind. It's just pink ribbon scars and the tears I've cried my whole life.
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2000-08-10 - 01:28
I want to know why you don't love me anymore?
oh yeah another day
oh yeah what a waste
it's all down low
and I don't care or give a fuck
Plume - The Smashing Pumpkins
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