Still Trading Places

I must again thank you all for your support. I am spoilt. To know such good people.

And it feels good have written that entry. It feels like being in control. Like you said, Katherine, taking charge. It doesn’t feel like such a big dirty shame anymore. You guys almost made me feel silly for letting it be such a big deal hehe. That is a good lesson to learn.

Overall I am feeling quite good and cautiously optimistic. It does take time though. Twenty years of feeling like a worthless freak doesn’t just wash away overnight. But I’m in charge, and things are changing.

One bad thing about all this though. Remember the Tina Dickow Trax concert, the homecoming thing? The one where she will be playing in our neighbourhood? The one I didn’t get a ticket for? Well, I was offered the chance of buying a ticket that became available. But after talking to the doctor I have had to decline the offer. Darn it. The operation is on the 7th, the concert on the 11th. And according to the doctor I shouldn’t expect to be wanting or able to go. Sucks. I was looking forward to this a lot. Part of me wants to just buy the ticket and then hope for the best. Hope that I don’t feel so horrible that I can’t force myself to go. But I guess it’s unlikely. And it wouldn’t be fair of me to take up a ticket when I probably can’t go. Better that someone else gets the ticket and gets to enjoy the show. Sniffle. It sucks to be selfless.

Martyrdom is kinda neat, though.

And I still have a ticket for the Train show in November. I just… would have much rather gone to this one. If only I had known that I’d get a second chance for a ticket. I could have scheduled the operation for the next week. Wouldn’t have been a problem. But oh well. I will stop complaining, because all in all I am still quite fortunate.

Tomorrow I’m going to order Lost Season 1. It will be released on the 6th. So hopefully I’ll have a huge box set to entertain me while I’m on sickleave.

What else has happened? I almost wrecked my camera yesterday. At the playground. I let the kids borrow it. And one boy dropped it on the ground. Bounce. Bounce. Sand and dirt. Yikes. Luckily there was no damage. It works fine. Wouldn’t it just have been typical if it had been broken, after two months of waiting for it. Then I would have needed the extra insurance! But I got lucky. I better be a little more strict with the kids. Not let them run around so much with the camera. Tempting fate.

Mads has been acting. It’s “festuge” in Århus. The festive week. It’s a yearly tradition. And apparently Mads was cast in a Hans Christian Andersen performance. They needed a goat. According to Pernille he was quite the star of the show. And the performers took him with them when they had a lunch break because he didn’t want to be tied up alone outside. Haha. Doesn’t surprise me. He’s going to be starring tomorrow again. I wish, I wish, I wish I could go see him. That would be great. But it’s during work hours. And I’m not even sure exactly where it is. Too bad. Mads is a star, though, no doubt.

I helped herd the goats today. At closing time, when the goats had to go inside. They didn’t want to go inside. They never want to do what they’re supposed to, the little darlings. So Per asked me if I couldn’t walk towards their house so they’d follow me. They still didn’t want to go inside, but then I went inside myself. And they followed. And Per thanked me for the help. Haha. It still makes me happy that I have this special touch with the goats.

Finally, a funny thing happened at therapy today. The session itself went without incident. I didn’t get picked for any of the “hard” things, so it was a breeze. Apart from the fact that I had been tired all day, and then the natural drain of being in the situation. Very, very tired. But other than that it was pleasant. You remember that there is only one other guy in the group? And his name is Lasse, as well? And he’s the same age as me? Well, turns out he is a Brøndby fan just like I am. What are the odds? Seriously. We live in Århus, everyone here is a fan of AGF. What are the odds that there would be two Lasses in the same therapy group? And that they would both love Brøndby? Very odd. Maybe he is my evil twin. Except he doesn’t seem evil of course. Also, it wouldn’t make much sense for both twins to be called Lasse I guess. Unless his real name is Evil Lasse. But I don’t think so.

He seems quite nice. And the fact that he is a Brøndby fan makes him aaaalrite in my book. One of these days I must gather up my courage to talk to him about it. “So, you like Brøndby too, eh?”. A perfect excuse for social training.

Oh yes. Pictures. We can’t have an entry without a bunch of virtually identical pictures.

First off, the star of the show:

Mads poses for his headshots. He has competition though. Magnethe is brimming with starquality.

It’s interesting to observe how the goats interact. This is one of the rare times when Magnethe goes head-to-head with Mads. Normally she will run away. When I sit down, Mads will come to me and demand my attention. Pernille has said it a couple of times when he has chased Magnethe away: “Oh Mads, you want Lasse all to yourself, don’t you?”. Hehe. But Magnethe wants to come over to me too. So she sort of lurks around and waits for Mads to step away a little. Then she’ll carefully approach me, all the while keeping an eye on Mads to make sure he isn’t coming back. And if Mads does start coming back then she’ll spurt away. And then she’ll go nibble at some grass or something, but I can see her eyes sort of half-disguised looking up at me to see if Mads is still there. Waiting for another chance.

Mads doesn’t always chase the others away though. It’s mostly if he knows there is food to be had. Then he’ll mark his territory.

Luckily there are other food sources.

And cuddle sources.

And finally, just for a change, here is the group therapy room at the clinic:

With the famous whiteboard. Nicholas sits on the left chair in front of the board, and Signe on the right.

Just a quick shot from our break.

And that’s all I wrote.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 30th, 2005 at 21:44 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

I Don’t Like What I See Staring Back At Me

So what is it, this surgery that I shall be having in a week and half now?

It is a breast reduction. Yes. Might as well get it out of your system now. Laugh a little if you need. Because hey, manboobs are funny. I make jokes about manboobs too. Only, gynecomastia isn’t really funny. It can, in fact, be emotionally crippling.

And it has been for me. All these years of diaries and journals, I have been pretty open about my flaws and fears and phobias. But this is the one thing I have never talked about. All the times I have talked to psychiatrists or therapists or doctors or psychologists, I have never mentioned it. Despite the fact that I’m quite sure that it has played a big part in my social phobia. Why do I feel worthless? Why can I not stand getting attention? Why does it hurt when people look at me?

I don’t know if you can imagine what it’s like. If you’re a girl, then imagine having a penis. Would you take showers with other girls? Would you wear tight pants? Would you ever feel normal?

It goes back as long as I can remember. It goes back when the girls and the boys were still showering together after PE classes. And two of them (can’t remember who) were looking at each other and said “Are you getting breasts yet?”, “No, but Lasse is”.

No wonder I feel like a freak. I am one.

I remember when Denmark won the European Championship in soccer in 1992. I bought a T-shirt with the team on it. Wore it proudly to school. Until people wanted to start looking at it. Looking at me. My chest. I hid behind the long curtains and heard Maria saying “Haha, a boy with breasts”.

I always thought that it was because I was overweight. It was my own fault. Until I saw a program on TV about gynecomastia. That must be 5-6 months ago now. I went to my doctor, wrote him a letter in advance about it. It’s so hard to talk about that I knew I wouldn’t just be able to go and talk to him about it. But sending the letter in advance, then he’d know. And he agreed that it would be good to get something done about it. So he referred me to the hospital. I got x-rays taken to be make sure that there was no cancer or anything. Then I got scheduled for an operation. In January 2006. A long wait. Luckily they have a policy that if they can’t offer you the surgery within two months then they will help you find another hospital or clinic where you can get it done faster. So I was referred to Århus Speciallægecenter. I went there a couple of days ago. And now I have an appointment for surgery on September 7th. Ten days from now.

So there you have it. I can’t really communicate how big a deal it is to me. How painful it has been for me. But you know my situation, right? So if I say that gynecomastia has been a big part of putting me in this situation then you can understand that it is something very big in my life, right?

And I am incredibly happy that something is going to happen about it now. When I was younger I would sometimes think about just grabbing a knife in the kitchen and cutting them off. Maybe I’d die of the blood loss, but so what? It was better than living like this.

I’m trying not to be too optimistic. Because this operation will not make me “normal”. I won’t be slim and beautiful. I will not stop feeling like I am a less worthy person than others. Everything will not be perfect. But just… the thought of being able to put on a shirt without having to stretch it out so it’s as loose as possible. The thought of being able to go into a room and not feel like everyone is staring. The thought of not hating myself. That is a sweet thought.

The operation itself is a little scary. I will be getting general anesthesia. Is that what it’s called? The full thing, going completely under. And then I’ll be at the hospital for a day. And probably be in much pain. But at least they will provide painkillers for the first days. After that I’ll have to get my own panodil. Hah. It’s not exactly going to be fun. But at least I can expect 1-2 weeks off from work. So you gotta look at the bright side. I will get to stay in bed and watch DVDs. It’ll be just like vacation. Only with searing pain, discomfort and shame.

Maybe this is all very weird. I don’t mind being a weirdo, though. I’d just prefer it not to be because of my body. My mind, that is another matter.

It feels kinda nice to talk about it too. The dark, dirty secret that I have been trying to hide for so long. I told Sanne about it on Thursday. I had to tell her that I would be taking some sick leave of course, because of the operation. And she said “Is it okay to ask what it’s for?”. So she sort of gave me the opportunity to not tell her what it was exactly. But I told her. And she was a little surprised. She said she hadn’t noticed anything really, because I always wore loose clothes. I don’t know if she was just being polite though. In my head everyone always notices. In my head there is nothing else they notice. In my head there is a great desire to hide away so no one will notice.

I almost can’t imagine a different life. I hope I will get it though. This, along with therapy and medication and general evolution, could just give me a better future.

I am allowed to hope, at least.

Feel free to ask questions or leave comments. It’s hard for me to know how people will react exactly. But I know you’re all supportive. And I can take jokes too. Because, you know, you gotta be able to see the humour in deep emotional pain. Otherwise you’ll just end up, oh trying to kill yourself or something.

Ugly. Just for reference.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 28th, 2005 at 21:11 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. hanne Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 21:36 e

   i still think the knife thing is way gross when you think of it :/ :)
   but.. great that you wrote this entry

2. Desiree Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 22:43 e

   Is that all? Well, I have big, ballooning, saggy, and very tender pregnant woman breasts, so there! Anyways, whilst I’m at it, I kinda thought it was every mans dream to have breasts – like, guys will say stuff like “if I had tits, I’d be touching them all day!” Like, when what’s his face had his head sewn on to what’s her face’s shoulder in Futurama, he was all sad when the boobs disappeared. I’m just saying you might realise once they’re gone what you’ve lost. Though, I guess, not feeling like a freak anymore will make up for it? I’m actually (besides all the stupid jokes) super happy for you and wish you all the best of luck with the op. I know how horrid it is to feel different – even if it’s because of something which isn’t your “fault” or isn’t even that different. You have made amazing progress with your social phobia and this is yet another huge step in the right direction. And I’m glad you chose to share it with us.

3. Anne Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 23:00 e

   Og….? Det er nu flot nok, at du erkender problemet, lader os andre følge med og gør noget! Du kan nu engang ikke bygge dit liv på, hvad tåbelige – eller måske tankeløse – tøser sagde for år tilbage.

4. Katherine Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 23:29 e

   Hugs, Lasse. There is nothing more horrendous than feeling shame about one’s body and most of us do for one reason or another (except for the cursed movie stars who seem to have been born airbrushed.) You may feel you have a lot of stuff to work through still with your social discomfort, but it’s obvious you’re taking charge of your life more and more. I still have trouble making an appointment to see the dentist! This operation is another turning point for you. Doing what will make you feel better. I hope there won’t be too much pain afterwards, but if you have good meds you can enjoy your time off. I wish I could recommend some good DVDs but I’ve only seen crappy ones lately. I’ll post a private message in the gbook about some great sheep farm finds from the BBC.

5. Florida Girl Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 23:42 e

   Lasse,

   I admire your honesty and your openness. Good luck with everything. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

6. Belinda Says:
   August 29th, 2005 at 12:27 e

   You always manage to blow me away with your courage. I wish you all the best for what lies ahead in the next week or so.

7. Grant Says:
   August 29th, 2005 at 15:39 e

   It is very rare that people like what they see in the mirror. Children can be cruel and say hurtful and scarring things. Unfortunetly not everyone in life cares about things outside themselves. To me that is ugly. It is easy to beat oneself up, but what i try to do is look at how I look at my friends, I don’t see what is ugly, I see them and of course I like what I see in others. It’s a matter of trusting that others see the real you and not our outer shells in all its human glory. Afterall we will all one day be the same and that is just simply dust. Take care and keep your head up man.

8. Erik Says:
   September 10th, 2005 at 1:35 e

   Stærkt!
   Det er utrolig modigt og godt gået! Det er opmuntrende at se dit liv bare bliver bedre og bedre.
   Keep it up!

   Mvh
   Erik

   Og tak for Tina-linket forresten;-)

Hey Du Dér Fremmede

…Instead a picture.

I always wondered what the birds wanted with the bees.

Also four videos on the video page. The goats. Just because I’m happy to have my old new old new camera back (again) again. They probably won’t make you as happy as they make me, but any chance to spread happiness should be seized. Even if it is only theoretical.

I just finished watching Tina Dickow live on the telly. She’s part of a big benefit show tonight. Rock’n'Royal. I’m not much for royalty. But I am much for Tina. She performed with Steffen Brandt. I absolutely love their version of Halleluja. You wouldn’t think it would be a good idea to make Danish translations of Leonard Cohen songs, but that one really is wonderfully splendid.

It is odd though. Steffen Brandt is the leadsinger of a band called TV2. A band that my mother loves. So I have grown up with him singing sometimes in the background, as a part of the paternal music. You know, that music that you eventually must feel alienated from. You must rebel with your own music, louder harder faster.

And then you have Tina, who will always be caught somewhere in the middle, between the girl I knew at school and the superstar musician. All in all it melds together in a strange blend of past, present and future. I feel like a cartoon character, rubbing my eyes and going “whaaaa?!”. Like Moe, you know. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s beautiful.

And I always did like TV2 actually. Despite the paternal connection. I always liked their music. And their lyrics. They’re funny and witty and somehow profound.

Så kys det nu, det satans liv.

I actually love his lyrics. And the music is strangely compelling for an “old” Danish band. I can’t think of any other Danish band from before my late-teens that I like so much.

Well, apart from Cut’n'Move of course. Mwhaha.

I slept a lot today. It’s strange, the more I sleep the sleepier I seem to get. Someone explain to me why that is?

Finally, let me advertise the wildcam. As a kid I would read one book after another about nature and animals and so on. Here they are, coming alive. It’s like another planet. If I had a laptop then I’d leave the cam running and fall asleep to the sounds of the Botswana night.

That’s all for today. Surgery story tomorrow, most likely. Along with stargazing. I think. I am not cryptic, I just like to wear my pants on my head.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 27th, 2005 at 22:38 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Camera Etcetera

It’s been a good couple of days.

I have my camera back. Or more precisely: I have a better camera back. Yup. Let me recap my camera saga:

I buy my new camera. After one month it breaks. The zoom is inoperational. I give it back to the store, they send it out for repairs. Two months go by. I go to the store and demand something happen. The guy I talk to says that the service center is closed for the day but he promises that he will get back to me tomorrow with a final decision about what will happen. The next day he leaves a message on our answerphone. They’ll give me a new camera.

So yesterday I go to the store. The service guy apologises for the whole thing. He fixes the paperwork and calls for a sales guy so I can get me a new camera. And then he says that this time I better buy the extra insurance, because If I had had that then none of this would have happened. Man, that made me want to tell him off. The camera was faulty and it took them two months to decide that they couldn’t fix it. Sure, if I had gotten the insurance then they probably would have given me a new camera right away. But really, 2 months is unacceptable. And the guy I talked to back then was going to give me a new camera straight away anyway, they just didn’t have any left in the store. So trying to sell me extra insurance because of their own mistakes and their own faulty camera, that pisses me off. But I bit my tongue, didn’t feel like arguing with them. And I declined the insurance. I have never bought extra insurance for anything I have bought. Computers, TVs, DVDs, cameras. None. And I have never regretted it. Maybe one day I will find myself needing the insurance. But then I will just spend some of all that money I have saved over the years. Those extra insurances are usually bogus anyway. The clerk makes comission of them, that’s why they’re so eager for you to buy them. Not because they care. Sniff, whatever happened to caring?

So anyway. The sales clerk takes me to their big camera collection. I tell him that I want the same model, the colour doesn’t matter but I want the same camera type. He had thought I just wanted a new camera. Not the same. So he has to check their computer system to see if they have any Konica Minolta DiMage Z3’s left. He wasn’t sure. But then he decides to check their display case. There’s no Z3. But there’s a Z5. It’s basically the same camera, only with a slightly bigger LCD screen and 5 megapixels instead of 4. Funny thing is, in the three months that have passed since I bought the Z3, it has fallen in price. And the Z5 has fallen in price too. To the price that the Z3 used to be. So voila, they give me a Z5 instead. I had to take the camera they had in their display case though, that was the last one left. But I don’t mind that.

So that’s how it ended. I now have a swanky DiMage Z5. I am happy about that. Was it worth it? Waiting for the camera for 2 months to get a better model? I think so. Mainly because I had my old camera and was happy with that. If they DiMage had been my only camera then it would have been a loooong 2 months. But the only time I really could have needed my new camera was at the Tina Dickow signing session. I would have liked to make a good quality video clip there. But other than that my old camera has been perfectly adequate.

So all is swell that ends well. 5 Megapixels, 12x zoom, high quality video with audio. That’s good stuff.

There is more good news. I went to the doctor yesterday and I’m going to have surgery in two weeks! Hah. Yes. I have hinted at it before. It’s something that’s hard to talk about for me. But now that the surgery is scheduled (and soon!) I guess it’s almost time. I will probably do it tomorrow or Sunday. So don’t miss that. My future may well depend on it. More or less.

In other possibly good news, I seem to be able to maybe get a ticket for the neighbourhood Tina Dickow concert. That would be astounding. Only thing is, my surgery is on the 7th and the concert is the 11th. But I can always stand in the back and not jump around wildly. I oughta be able to make it. I really want to go. How many chances are you going to get to see a great artist come home and play in their old neighbourhood and then also have it be your own old neighbourhood? I don’t think that happens too often. So I must try. I’ll call the doc on Monday and see what they recommend.

Also, I wish season 2 of Lost would start soon. I want to know what’s in the hatch. I want to know what’s in the hatch I want to know what’s in the hatch I want to know what’s in the hatch.

Sorry. But I reeeeally want to know.

I just overheard my mother talking to her brother on the phone. “Do you know what I’m sucking on now?” she said. *shudder*. Okay, she was talking about bonbons. But still. That’s something you should never ever hear your mother say. My mother is a Freudian nightmare. She still pronounces hard disk as hard diks. And yes, as I said in my previous update, she’s reading my site now. So hi mum!

Let’s break in the new camera with some playground pictures, shall we? You probably can’t tell the difference from old cam hah. I’m going to try and learn how to use this one properly. There’s nothing as fun as reading instruction manuals!

My favourite subject. Adorable Magnethe.

And just because Mads makes me happy…

Finally, ducks on the run.

I can’t update my gallery. Annoying. It’s most likely because of that servermove my host did. It was fine before that. I guess this would be a good time to change over to coppermine.

Anyway, happy weekend to you all.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 26th, 2005 at 22:31 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Florida Girl Says:
   August 26th, 2005 at 23:37 e

   Have a great weekend!

2. larry brown is a skank Says:
   August 27th, 2005 at 9:00 e

   dear mrs lasse:
   OMG LASSE IS SO AWESOME! we always talk about how great he is and how he helps old ladies cross the street, gives blood regularly and don’t even touch the orange juice and cookies because he wants to leave it for the more needy (those sad homeless people who have to give blood just for the orange juice and cookie so they can have a meal), and he tutors portugese to blind asthmatic children who have parents in prison.
   i used to be a lost wee child living a sinful life of booze and crack and promiscuity with crackwhores looking for any distraction from life, UNTIL I MET LASSE and now i’m an architect AND doctor, (BOTH medical and that other kind) ALL THANKS TO LASSE! what a glorious beautiful child you have! god bless!

3. Plume Says:
   August 28th, 2005 at 20:52 e

   I -am- awesome.

A Message To My Mother

Hej Mor.
Jeg ved godt, at du kigger på min hjemmeside. Og jeg er ikke overrasket.

Yes, my mother checks out my website. I can see it in our computer’s history. She’s been doing a lot of snooping around. Typical.
But who cares.
The truth cannot hurt me any longer.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 26th, 2005 at 22:31 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Pistacie Fake Icecream

Ugh. I am tired. And my head hurts. My feet hurt. I have a blister. It’s been a long day.

Therapy was hard. Afterwards I was walking around in the sun. Missed my bus. Complained about my camera at the store. More walking.

I’m looking forward to going to bed now.

So group therapy. Third session. At first it seemed like any of the other sessions. But then we had to do an exercise. It was like my heart froze when Signe said it. We had to pair up two and two. And turn our chairs to face each other.

Panic panic panic. Sitting face to face with someone. Talking to them. That is one of the scariest things I can imagine.

The exercise was about self-focus. I’ll try not to go into a long lecture about it. But basically when your phobia kicks in then you focus a lot on yourself. Your symptoms and feeling and such. So it’s important to learn to focus on other things, the person you’re talking to or the surroundings for example. So, in the exercise we had to first talk 2 minutes where we focus a lot on ourselves, focus inwards. And then talk 2 minutes where we focus outwards, on other things. In order for us to experience the difference.

I was paired with Vibe. She was going first, doing the talking first. So I just had to sit and listen to her. That wasn’t easy though. Especially in round 2, where I knew that she was going to be focusing outwards, and therefore focusing on me. I can’t stand being the center of attention. It almost physically hurts when people look at me. So that was tough. And when she was done it was my turn to talk. I chose to talk about my trip to the Netherlands to see Skye. Really, that was something too intimate for me to start talking to a stranger about. But I didn’t know what to pick. Something that I could talk about for 4 minutes? I have nothing in my life that can’t be described in 20 seconds. Sort of. So I told that story. First 2 minutes where I focused on myself. And then 2 minutes where I focused on other things. That was hard though. Because the room was full of therapists and observers and people talking. When I tried to steer my focus away from myself then it just bumped into a “You’re in group therapy and you’re being evaluated” wall.

I got through it. But it was one of the hardest things I have done in a long while. Very confrontational. Pushing boundaries. Still, that’s what it’s all about. You have to confront your fears etc. And Vibe was a good partner. In the 2nd round I started stumbling a little on my words, wasn’t sure what to say. But she asked some questions and helped me a long like that. So that was good.

When it was all said and done we went around the circle and everyone talked about how it had been and if they felt the difference between focusing on yourself and focusing on something/someone else. I was the first one to talk about my experience. Vibe was the last. And she gave me a big surprise.

I was a little nervous that she would say something like “this was a hard exercise because Lasse is such a bad partner, he’s hard to talk to etc”. But no. She said I had actually helped her. Because I seemed so interested in what she said. And because I had such a kind face and such friendly eyes. Wow.

Wow.

That I did not expect. It came like a lightning bolt. In the situation where I had been listening to her I had thought that she would be thinking that I was weird, that I was a bad partner. It never occured to me that she would think anything positive about me. She said that too, afterwards. That she realized that it probably wasn’t something that I knew. And that’s why she wanted to mention it. And Signe said “yes, and now he does know. And what do you think about that Lasse?”. And what did I think about it? It was wonderful to hear of course. Vibe didn’t have to say anything positive about me. She didn’t have to say anything about me period. It was her own experience she was evaluating. Nobody asked her about me, it was her own iniative to say something nice about me.

What an odd feeling. Hehe.

I know some of you guys have said I look kind too, and that the animals like me because I’m kind and such. But still, it’s easy to think that “Oh I look kind on that picture, that means I’m butt ugly but I have a nice personality”. Not that I don’t appreciate the nice things you say, you know I do immensely. But it still something quite amazing to hear it from someone who doesn’t have to say anything positive, who doesn’t have to say anything at all. But who says it face to face. And who says it in a situation that’s really hard and stressful for everyone. It was just… striking.

When our sessions are over we always go around the circle and everyone says what was best and what was worst for them in that session. For me the worst was our exercise, the hardest for me. Sitting and talking with another person. And the best was obviously the response I got from Vibe. I really got something good out of it today.

Sometimes I really feel like life could turn out okay after all. And what a nice feeling that is.

My mother is in Copenhafen for 3 days. Luckily no depression has turned up. I tried one of her “healthy icecream bars”. Not surprisingly it sucked. It’s just a fact of life. Everything that’s good for you sucks. Be it food or hard therapy or whatever.

But hopefully worth it in the end.

I think it will be.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005 at 22:12 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Anne Says:
   August 24th, 2005 at 20:49 e

   Du har vise, venlige øjne – og siger de gamle ikke, at øjnene er sjælens spejl?

2. Maile Says:
   August 25th, 2005 at 9:12 e

   lasse, you are one of the kindest people i’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. and that certainly does not mean that you are ugly. you are cute, you silly boy!

3. Valja Says:
   August 25th, 2005 at 20:28 e

   firstly, I got your e-mail but am not the best at instantly responding either … response forthcoming. secondly, your entry made me smile. Vibe saw in you what I (and the rest of your readers) see in your writing/photos. (I know online compliments can seem … err… not entirely real … just as real-life compliments can seem not entirely sincere … but sometimes that’s just how they seem, not how they are. :)

4. larry brown is a skank Says:
   August 25th, 2005 at 20:44 e

   uh, yeah, nice is usually what you say about someone when there isn’t anything else positive or special you can find about their look or personality. but it can also just be that they think youre nice.

5. Plume Says:
   August 26th, 2005 at 19:37 e

   You guys are the bestest.

Queer As Folk

No matter how tired, hurting or down I may feel…

…Mads will always cheer me up.

Here he is running towards me:

The goats did a lot of running today. For no particular reason. Usually they only run if they hear a loud noise. Or spot me. Or you know, reacting to something. But today I couldn’t really see any reason for them running around. It was odd. Mathilde jumped up on a table, baahed out loud, jumped down, ran to another table, jumped up on that, jumped down and then ran around some more. Ran into a group of ducks and spooked them so they started running around, flapping their wings. Rather odd all.

Speaking of ducks.

Thank you Anne, for identifying the duck. Muscovy ducks. Fascinating colours.

Mads is the slowest goat. Because of his big gut. Haha. Magnethe is very fast. It’s almost scary when she’s going at top speed straight towards you. But she always breaks in time.

Kindergarteners were visiting the playground.

Cautiously approaching the goats.

They fed leaves to Mathilde. And tried to pet her and such. Eventually she got a little annoyed with them. And started doing her typical “jumping up in the air so I look really big and frightening” thing. Kindergarteners are a lot to handle for a shy goat.

Mrs Piggy was having a nice lie down.

She was lying quite motionless there. Until Pernille came with a carton of milk.

That woke her up.

Nothing like a good drink.

And that’s all I’m going to do today.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 22nd, 2005 at 22:25 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

rESISTANCE iS fUTILE

D-O Y-O-U W-A-N-T T-O S-E-E S-O-M-E-T-H-I-N-G A-W-E-S-O-M-E, H-U-M-A-N?

comedian.dk. The currently first entry (can’t seem to link straight to the entry), “balancing point”. The link that says “den her video”. Brilliant video. It blows my mind. Makes me want to meditate.

(UPDATE: Direct link to entry with video)

T-H-A-T I-S A-L-L.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 20th, 2005 at 22:58 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Maile Says:
   August 22nd, 2005 at 14:11 e

   just wanted to let you know that i locked my guestbook. the link is on a protected page, the password is calypso79

2. Rasmus Says:
   August 23rd, 2005 at 3:29 e

   The link is fixed. You can link directly to the post now.

   Here are the creators’ homepage: http://www.rock-on-rock-on.com/community.html

   Zencheers,
   Rasmus

Oh Ye Of Little Fate

Today I pretended that I was a robot.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 20th, 2005 at 20:55 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Me, Mah Self And I

It is weekend, hooray!

Nowt much to report. A couple of quiet days. Before I go enjoy the weekend let me just post a million identical pictures from the last couple of days at the playground.

First of all, what is this:

They can’t all be chickens, right? Is it a turkey? Okay, chicken, swan, duck, turkey. What other options are there? For a guy who read a million books about animals as a kid, you’d think I knew more.

Hmm.

Mathilde was tied up yesterday.

She seemed okay with it for the most part. It just makes leaving hard. Because then she starts baahing like she doesn’t want me to leave. Aw. Breaks your heart, donnit?

Here’s a typical Mads shot:

That happens on a regular basis. I’ll start scratching him on his head and then he tries to eat my sleeve.

Magnethe has been quite feisty the last couple of days. She has started charging at some of the kids.

It’s so cute. Because she’s so tiny, she couldn’t hurt a fly.

But she still goes at it. I bet she has learnt it from Mads.

She doesn’t do it to me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m too big a target, or because she likes me too much. I almost wish she’d do it though, because I find it extremely adorable.

She continued the next day, same girl. Yeah, Magnethe has got a will of her own. She’s growing up more like Mads than like Mathilde.

Speaking of Mads, he was the one who was tied down today.

And like you would imagine, he did not like it. Mathilde just accepts it, but Mads does not. He keeps baahing all the time. Especially when the other goats wander off a little. Mads does not like being left alone. Poor guy.

At one point I had followed Mathilde and Magnethe out on the grass field on the other side of the playground house. I was sitting there, enjoying their company. Then suddenly Mads came racing out on the grass. Pernille had set him free so he immediately came running out to join us.

Pernille told the goats to stay on the field, and then she said to me: “they probably won’t go anywhere as long as you’re here”. Sweet. And later on Per told me that they had tied down Mads and Mathilde the last couple of days because they had been wandering up in the ghetto appartment blocks. Probably because the sheep are gone. Yes, no more Black and White. They have left for pastures greener. Normally the sheeps would be tied down somewhere and then the goats would generally stick around the same area. But without the sheep, the goats started walking too far away again.

I’ll miss Black and White. sniffle.

I hope Mads never goes away. I found a great place to scratch him.

See. Sort of where his throat goes down to his belly. I don’t know what that place is called. He loves it when I scratch him there though. He stands completely still and gazes off in the distance. Closes his eyes in half and just enjoys it.

You know he loves it when he stands still. Not much can get that goat to stand still. He’s always trying to sniff for food or rub himself against something or generally get up to no good. It’s kind of nice that I have found his “weak spot” in case I need a little break from his rough-housing, hehe.

I love Magnethe’s voice. If you haven’t heard it yet, then download the third video here. It’s so sweet. Mads’ voice is sort of a girly miii. And Mathilde’s is a stronger maaaah. And then Magnethe, it’s like she can’t quite complete the maah. She only gets the “m” sound. M-m-m-m-m-ah. I love it. It sounds a little sort of sad and pathetic. Like “I’m a little baby, come and take care of me”.

She is my little sweet potatoe pie.

That’s all folks.

Listening: Sun Ra Arkestra – Fate in a Pleasant Mood (840901)

This entry was posted on Friday, August 19th, 2005 at 22:35 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Anne Says:
   August 21st, 2005 at 23:52 e

   Det er moskusænder, de der sære fyre. Min mands fætter har haft en hel flok – nu er der to hunner tilbage, begge mere end 20 år og smakforkælede. Niels, fætteren, er blevet så glad for dyr, at han ikke mere spiser kød. Der gik indtil for få år siden to oldgamle køer på hans lille hobby-landbrug – de døde af alderdom. Og den skæbne får hans fire gamle får også. Jeg har fortalt ham om dig og gederne, og han forstår det frem for nogen.

Golden Globes?

Bad news for me. I didn’t get my ticket for the Tina Dickow homecoming Trax concert. I went to Kvickly today. And it was sold out.

Great. Just great. You will remember of course that the first time I tried to buy them I was told that the guy who was supposed to get them their tickets hadn’t shown up. So whoever that guy is he probably cost me the concert. If he had gotten them the tickets when he was supposed to then I most likely would’ve gotten one. Bummer.

All hope is not lost though. I posted on Tina’s forum about it and I got a mail from a girl whose friend might have an extra ticket. So cross your fingers for me.

It would suck if I missed it. I have been looking forward to this. Homecoming. “Our” neighbourhood.

I was so disappointed that I drank half a litre of tropical fresh juice while waiting for the bus. That took 5 minutes. 20 minutes more to wait for the bus. So I decide to go into the Red Cross store and look. I spend 1 minute too much in there and miss the bus. So now I have to wait another 30 minutes in the blistering sun. Just great.

Wasn’t all bad though. Walked around downtown.

Summer in the city.

People looking pretty.

Drop it like it’s hot.

Don’t let the icecream go to waste.

I only wish that wasn’t a model. They should make icecreams that big. That would rule.

I miss my new camera. Last week they told me it would be ready this week. It’s almost two months now. If it’s not done tomorrow then I’ll have to go by the store and bang on the table or something. I demand satisfaction.

There’s a big change coming at work. Poul Erik will be stopping at the end of the month. He’s the grand old man. He’s been at Kultursats for years. It will be strange to see him go. I’m going to be the grand old man when he’s gone. I’ll be the guy who has been there the longest. And I still feel like a rookie. Odd.

Sanne asked me to take a group picture. We’ll put it on a mug and give it to him when he leaves. It was kind of funny. It has to be a surprise. So I had to pretend like I wanted to take the picture for myself. That’s not so unusual, I often take pictures. But it’s still kind of odd to have to “act”. Both Sanne and Anders knew why we were taking the picture, but I had to be all “Hey can you guys come outside with me so I can take a picture?” and they have to be all like “Oh sure Lasse, we can do that if you want to”. We will not be winning Academy Awards. I don’t know if Poul Erik suspected anything though. Hopefully he doesn’t read my blog haha. Here are the results by the way:

We tried to get Poul Erik sort of in the middle. Without being obvious about it. Sanne: “You’re the tallest Poul Erik, you have to sit down in the middle”. Hmm, yes.

Anders and Poul Erik sitting on the front row. Sanne and I on top.

I don’t look that abnormal do I? I could almost pass for one of the guys.

I can always pass for one of the guys with Mads, no matter how freaky I look.

Haha.

In other news: The Psycho video has leaked! It’s a Smashing Pumpkins video. “25 Songs O Pumpkins”. Wow. I don’t usually like videos, because I listen to music at the computer while doing other things. Videos you have to pause everything you’re doing and watch them. I prefer just listening to the music. But this thing is pretty special.

1 I’m Free (Live 89 @ unknown Metro show #1)
2 She (Live 88 @ unknown club)
3 Geraldo interviewing Charles Manson
4 The Crystal Ship (Live 89 @ unknown Metro show #2)
5 Sun (Live 89 @ unknown Metro show #2)
6 Spiteface (Live 89 @ unknown Metro show #2)
7 Venus In Furs (Live 89 @ unknown Metro show #3)
8 Billy & Bob English in the crowd @ Geraldo’s show
9 My Dahlia (89 rehearsal)
10 My Eternity (1988.11.19 on The Pulse)
11 Rhinoceros (Live 90 @ unknown club)
12 East (Live 90 @ unknown club)
13 I Am One (Live 90 @ unknown club)
14 I Am My End (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
15 Rhinoceros (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
16 Ball And Chain (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
17 Bury Me (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
18 Try To Try (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
19 Jennifer Ever (88 soundcheck)
20 There It Goes (88 soundcheck)
21 Oui Henri (Live 88 @ unknown club) *cut after 20 seconds*
22 Nothing And Everything (Live 88 @ unknown club)
23 Salt (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
24 Lie I Lie (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
25 Razor (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
26 Love (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
27 C’mon (Live 1989.10.31 @ Metro)
28 The Marked – Scary Neurotic Song (Promo video)
29 The Marked – The Trance (Promo video)
30 Geraldo interviewing unknown serial killer “Joe”

Charles Manson reminded me of Gerrard (I think) from Twin Peaks. But anyway, look at that. It’s rather amazing seeing the Smashing Pumpkins performing back in the late 80s, before they were stars. Lots of old and unreleased songs. I haven’t watched the whole thing yet. I can’t wait for the Marked videos! Sweet stuff. Imagine the one musical artist that you love the most, and then imagine getting videos of their very earliest and rarest performances. Imagine being a fan of Magic Johnson and then getting a video of him shooting hoops at 13. Imagine being a fan of Shakespeare and then getting a video of him writing a school essay.

Hey, as long as we’re imagining things then we might as well go for broke.

In yet other news: A couple of days ago I tuned into CNN and there was a big hubbub over some new virus. I got almost scared. If CNN were doing major coverage… Boy, it must be some fantastic virus? I practically ran to my computer to turn it off so I wouldn’t get hit. I decided to go to CNN’s website and read what it was actually about first, though. And as far as I understand it’s a virus that hits Windows 2000 machines. And the vulnerability has been addressed by Microsoft. So… only unpatched Windows 2000 machines are at risk? It must have been a slow news day on CNN. Or maybe all their machines are just running unpatched Windows 2000 systems eh?

And now, adieu!

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 18th, 2005 at 22:22 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Grant Says:
   August 19th, 2005 at 14:51 e

   if they made life size ice creams lifesize like that, as great as it’d be at first, I’d definetly get sick I think. BTW, like your glasses.

2. Katherine Says:
   August 23rd, 2005 at 5:42 e

   love the photo of you and mads! it’s like he’s all in the camera’s face. excuse no caps,,,am eating ice cream as i type.

Lions, Tigers And Bears

Group therapy part 2 done today. It went just fine. A lot easier than the first time. But still draining. That is the best word to describe it.

There were two new psychs in the room this time. Probably interns. They sat in the back and did the session transcription. There was also a microphone on the floor in the middle of the circle of chairs. And a camera in the back. It all adds a lot of pressure. All of us with social phobia have problems with getting attention and being judged. When you have two psychologists + 2 interns + a microphone + a camera + your team mates, then you suddenly feel like there are a lot of people judging what you say.

But it didn’t take long to forget about those things really. And the session wasn’t too different from the first one. Co-therapist Nicolas (not Nicolai as I thought) took the stage and told us more about phobias and fears. It all fit perfectly with me. Pretty much every single thing he said I could recognise from myself.

The two hours go by pretty fast. But exhausting. Fear is designed to keep you at attention. So you can react to the danger. Like Nicolas said, when we were out on the African savannah and the lions attack. The fear makes us react. Attack or flee. Sitting in group therapy for two hours is like running from a lion for two hours. Only without the lion.

Our homework had been to do some situation analysis forms. I got picked as the first one to do mine on the whiteboard. Dammit. It’s like being in school and hoping the teacher doesn’t pick you for that really hard question. But that’s what we’re there for of course. I shan’t complain. And it went okay. Although it’s still very hard to talk in front of everyone. That is my lion.

After the therapy I went to the playground. It’s remarkable how different a feeling it is. Going into the room for therapy I am at alert, I am stressed, I am afraid. All my senses are spiking. Sitting down with the animals I immediately get calm, feel happy. All my senses flatline and I worry about nothing. It’s a really good way to decompress after therapy. Amazing what an effect animals can have on people.

I know I need social contacts outside the playground. But small steps. The playground is my safe haven. It helps me a lot to have a place where I can feel happy and safe. And valued. That I have something to offer. I can be liked. By animals, kids, adults. I know there are people online who like me. And I appreciate that a lot. But that someone in real life can like me, that’s not something I’m used to feeling. When Skye first told me she loved me it took me a long time to accept it. We had to meet before I could really do that. Until we had spent some time together I couldn’t believe that she could love me. How could anyone love me? That is a thought that is still buried deep in my mind. Ten years of thinking of yourself as unlovable doesn’t not get erased that easily.

Anyway. Why not smile?

I got myself tickets to Tina Dickow today. Not the ones I was going for though. I wanted to get tickets to Trax. It’s a nice concept. Artists’ homecoming. Tina is going back to play at her old school. And since I still live in our old neighbourhood that will be pretty cool for me too. But there were no tickets at Kvickly, where they should have been on sale. Apparently the guy who was supposed to drop off the tickets and posters and stuff hadn’t shown up. And they didn’t have his number so they couldn’t get a hold of him! Darn. I hope they’ll get that all sorted out. I wonder what they do with the posters after the tickets are sold? Maybe I could snag one…

I got tickets for November, though. In Train. That’s a real club thing. I haven’t been to a concert at a venue like that. So that will be a new experience, unless something else in a club comes up before November. It’s been too long since my last concert, must find something new. Maybe something at Kulturgyngen. That would be handy. And I’d get a discount cause I work there. So that ain’t not bad.

That’s all. I’ll go be a crazed fan somewhere else. Toodles.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 16th, 2005 at 21:39 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Grant Says:
   August 17th, 2005 at 13:58 e

   Not sure if they like it if you call people psychos,hehe. Seriously though, sounds pretty rough, therapy that is. For some people I think therapy can help, but for everyone, I’m not so sure. It’s good that you are trying to find a way to help you deal with everything. Hope it all works out for you.

Dung

You know you’re gonna get hella good service at this place:

ROTFLMAOIABFOMO

This entry was posted on Monday, August 15th, 2005 at 21:08 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Least Of All Me

Suicidal Fish #12 (click to see big version)

PS. I still love Mutts.

Poor fishy.

Yesterday I was lucky enough to see the goats. That usually never happens in the weekends. But the place was open when I went shopping.

So I went inside to say hello. And now the funny pictures.

Mads is eating hay. Hilarious, eh? No no, not yet. Seconds after I took that picture he got up on his hind legs and stood up against the wall to eat more hay. So I figured I’d take a picture of that too. But just as I pressed the button…

What happened? Mads somehow grabbed the entire pack of hay and ripped it up out of the holder and down on the floor. That’s Mads for ya, when there’s food around he gets crazy.

And then he gorged on the lovely hay. Well done, Mads!

He cracks me up.

Also cute dogs from a couple of days ago:

If that picture doesn’t make you yawn then you must be superhuman. But then all my pictures probably make you yawn. Ah, nothing like self-deprecating humour.

Getting ready to play.

And he’s off!

Bongi rolling in the grass. That upset Pernille. Apparently the dogs aren’t allowed to roll around like that because they get all dirty and smelly. As I understood it. Pernille is formerly known as Alice, by the way. I’m not always good at catching people’s names.

New additions to the site: links.html – copyright.html – signs.html

Did you know that it’s not necessary to put a “copyright” sign on your page/picture/poem etc? It has no effect. If you write something then you have the rights to it, no matter if you put a (c) at the bottom or not. Interesting, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!

Just nod politely.

That’s all. Weekend almost over. It’s the circle of life. Apparently.

Listening: Tina Dickow – Nobody’s Man (I am hooked on this song. Go here and click it to listen to a long sample).

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 14th, 2005 at 21:40 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. larry brown is a skank Says:
   August 15th, 2005 at 4:39 e

   ahhh plume the power of christ compells you to remove all those pictures of the i from your panties gallery, ive become uncomfortably suspicious that the mother looks at stuff on my computer and in my infinite state of paranoia, have become paranoid that she will somehow see it and conclude that i’m in some sex cult which i may or may not be in but dont want her to know or think about it in any way. also my friend keeps talking about my father and his package and it’s super disturbing, i think im gonna explode from some kind of child-parent sexual uncomfortableness soon.

2. perro Says:
   May 21st, 2006 at 7:57 e

   perro

Doodlebug

One thing I forgot yesterday was to thank you all for the comments about the group therapy. Your support always means a lot to me. There are two things, I think, that has been important in changing my life to the better. Meeting Skye, of course. And starting my diaryland diary. Those are two of the “life-changing” moments I recall.

So thank you for the support, and for the experiences you share with me in turn. No matter how alone I am, I’m never alone.

But I don’t want to get sentimental. So here is the stuff I have done today:

Updated the panties section finally. Thanks to the lovely Dylan for contributing. That page still makes me smile. At least when it’s updated.

And then I added the scans section. Moved all my scans from my old site. And made some new ones. Most interesting is probably my old class photo where you can see Tina Dickow (6th from left middle row) and Dea Lillelund (2nd fom left bottom row), the musicians. And me, the dork. Third from the right on the top row. More information on the scans page.

Also this doodle I made at work a couple of days ago. I wish I could draw for realz. But the funny bit is that I put the doodle in my pocket (sounds almost erotic, doesn’t it?) and went to the playground. And then Mathilde got in my pocket and grabbed the paper and almost ate it. Hehe. But check out the scans page for childhood photos and other strange things.

That’s all. Funny pictures coming tomorrow. Hope you’re all having a breezeful weekend.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 13th, 2005 at 22:04 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Grant Says:
   August 14th, 2005 at 17:20 e

   It has been a pleasure to read your diary all the way from diaryland. Miss you there in face. It hasn’t been the same there without you and a few others. Well take care as always.

2. milla Says:
   August 15th, 2005 at 10:24 e

   No sweat, dear Plume ;) It’s always a pleasure to read your blog (previously diary) and comment on here :) We fishies should exchange some valuable knowledge and support each other, right? ;)

   Bacci,
   Mills

In Harry Smith’s Room In The Chelsea Hotel

I set the alarm clock to wake me up 20 minutes early today. So I could take a nice, long shower. Sitting down and letting the water cascade down on me. It’s a good way to start the morning. Although it’s always a little dilemma. How are the 20 minutes best spent? Sleeping or under the waterfall? If only I could sleep in the shower…

It was a grey, grey morning. Typical Danish summer. The bus packed full of morning zombies. Not many smiles, no one talking. The earlier the hour, the less alive people are.

I had the pumpkins running on my mp3 player. Closed my eyes and drifted away to the music. I don’t usually close my eyes for longer periods of time in the bus. Security behaviour. I must know what stop we are at, how close we are to my stop. Even after taking the same bus a 100 times I still get a little tingling sensation in my stomach when my stop is up. Do I press the button? I usually wait as long as possible to see if someone else is getting off, if someone else will press the button first. I don’t know why, exactly. It makes more sense to do it when I’m taking the bus somewhere new and I’m not completely sure where I have to get off. It sort of feels like letting someone else take the responsibility. Letting someone else make the decision so I don’t have to.

The internet was down at work. That always sucks. What am I supposed to do, actually work?!

No, but seriously. I like having google open in the background. When others go for a cigarette break or a cup of coffee I’ll go and read my friendlist on livejournal or some newsgroups or the fuselage or whatever. Without internet I feel trapped, trapped in the reality of a grey Friday morning.

For some reason I found myself thinking of Fawlty Towers, specifically the sentence “it matters not one wit”, spoken in one of the episodes. I wasn’t sure if it was “one wit” or “one width” or “one with”. Didn’t know the phrase. With google down I had no way of finding out. Not that it mattered one wit. Hæhæ.

Not much else of interest happened. Ronny quit. He has been gone for days. Apparently he didn’t feel the job was right for him, so he stayed away. Came in for a meeting today and at the end of that he shook everybody’s hand and left for good.

In other cast news: Anders has been updated with a (poor) picture. And Pablo has been added (with a poor picture too), although he isn’t likely to be featured much in the blog since he doesn’t work in our office.

I have already mentioned that Anders seems nice. My impression of him so far is really good. He actually said “D’oh” yesterday. As Homer Simpson does. He didn’t say it in a conversation about the Simpsons, he wasn’t quoting. He was using d’oh in a normal conversation. That’s awesome. And he uses usenet for research. And he listens to some interesting ambient music that I cannot identify. It’s pretty far from my usual taste but it sounded good, really. We had to turn off our computers while Nicolai was trying to get the net running, and Anders offered me a section of his newspaper if I wanted it. I turned it down though and read some Poe instead.

But yes, I only have good things to say about him. Smart, funny, nice, good taste in lots of stuff. I hope he stays with us for a while.

I’m interested in dark and strange music ie. neofolk (folk noir), noise, black metal, ambient and progressive rock ..
Besides that I’m interested in litterature, culture, fine arts, old cult movies, movies in general etc.

Neat. I look up to him. Literally, too. He’s tall.

Ooh, this is the song he was playing. Coil – Sex With Sun Ra (Part 1 Saturnalia). It was pretty cool. Maybe I should check eet out. I could use a more mature taste in music.

Sun Ra sounds pretty interesting.

On my way home from work someone was playing 50 Cent in the bus. Why is it always the people with bad taste in music that turn their stuff up loud so everyone else has to hear it?

It just makes me smile inside when some pasty-white Danish kid is listening to 50 Cent in a city bus in Århus on a grey Friday. But hey, I’m listening to Billy Corgan and it’s not like I’m a hip Chicago beatnik. Maybe I make others smile.

Smiling is good for the soul, anyway.

Happy weekend t’yall.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 12th, 2005 at 22:52 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Security Alert!

I promised to tell about the first group therapy session yesterday. So here goes.

I was sitting in the bus, on my way to the clinic, and getting nervous. Heart beating faster. Shortness of breath. Stressed head. But I got it under control. It didn’t get too bad. My first therapy sessions have helped me to identify the situations where I get anxiety, and to deal with them. Recognise the automatic negative thoughts and replace them with alternative realistic thoughts.

Negative automatic thought: I can’t do this, it’s going to be too hard, they’ll all hate me.
Realistic thought: I have done hard things before. It’s going to be fine, we all have the same problems and we’re there to help each other.

You get the gist. That’s one of the best things I have gotten from the first therapy sessions. Being conscious about what’s happening and having tools to change the processes in my head. Not letting fear rule me.

Got to the clinic. Went to the waiting room. All the chairs were taken. Just outside the room there were two chairs, one of them taken by another guy. I sat down beside him and stared down the hallway. Waiting. Only had to wait for a minute though. I made sure not to arrive too early. That’s what we call “security behaviour”. Staring down the hall is security behaviour too. Sort of… defensive reactions. Things we use to cope. The most extreme form of security behaviour is complete avoidance. If I had stayed home and not gone to the group therapy that would have been the ultimate security behaviour, avoiding the situation. A mild form of security behaviour could be to not look someone in the eye when you talk to them. Or bringing someone with you when you go somewhere. Or having a cell phone with you always. Security behaviour isn’t really wrong, unless it starts interfering with your life. For example if you can’t go anywhere without bringing someone with you. That’s obviously a problem.

Here endeth the lesson about security behaviour. Fascinating eh?

So our therapist arrives to get us. Signe is her name. Older than my old therapist. I have seen her before. I have had two preliminary meetings with her. One before the first therapy sessions. And one before these group sessions.

She led us all into the meeting room. Chairs in a circle. For some reason that strikes me as scary.

A guy is already sitting in the room. Nicolai. He is the co-therapist. Although for this first meeting he is only taking notes. After each session we will get the written highlights mailed to us so we can study them at home, when we have more time and privacy to think about things.

Signe calls him Jonas at first. He corrects it. They haven’t met each other before. Not exactly the best start to a session. Having our two therapists out of sync.

There are 6 of us. 4 women and one guy + me. The women are older than me. They seem like fairly typical middleaged family mothers. The guy is the same age as me. And funnily enough he is called Lasse too. What a coincidence. When we go around the circle and introduce ourselves I say my full name, like everyone else. And Signe asks me if I’m ever called Linno. Or Lasse Linno. I say no, and wonder why she asked. Had she heard about some freak called Lasse Linno? But she was just trying to see if I had a nickname I could use so we could avoid confusion between the Lasses.

Signe is standing by the wall. There’s a blackboard. Only it’s not black, it’s the white sort where you write with a felt pen or so. Is that still called a blackboard?

She tells us about different kind of phobias. Writes a list. Social phobia, which we all have. Agoraphobia. General anxiety. Panic attacks. Single phobias etc. We go around the circle and see what other phobias fit us. Almost all of us have the single phobia “fear of heights”. I have that. I also get a check by “depression” although I have that pretty beat.

After all that Signe draws a form on the blackboard. The good old one. Goes sort of like this:

Situation – Symptoms/feelings – Negative automatic thoughts / Disaster thoughts – Security behaviour

I have worked a lot with that already. You fill it in. The situation. What were you feelings and symptoms? Typically I would have the heartbeat, breathing harder, sweating, stressed mind. Negative automatic thoughts are often about what other people think of me. Judging me. That was the same with the others. Almost everyone said something about being afraid of being judged by others. Feeling like you’re different or strange or inferior. And security behaviour, well I think I have covered that. What do you do in the situation etc.

So we go around the circle and fill in a situation for every person. We had the choice of either picking our morning or when we sat in the waiting room. So the fears we talked about were the fears connected to going to this therapy.

It’s a two hour session. That’s one of the hard parts for me. Being in a room with strangers for that long. The bright side is that because we are 6 people sharing the spotlight it means that I’m not in focus for as long as I am in one hour of single therapy.

We get a 10 minute break in the middle. I go to the bathroom and then outside to get some fresh air. And stretch the legs. I’m not good at sitting still for that long.

When I filled out the form on the blackboard one of my negative thoughts was “I can’t do this, I can’t get through it”. I have been in one of these group sessions before and I felt so completely horrible. And I never came back, didn’t go to any more sessions. That must be a couple of years ago. I’m much stronger now. But you still have that doubt. Can I make it this time? One of the other women had the same negative thoughts. Signe wanted to explore that further.

So I had to do that. Explore those thoughts on the blackboard. That was hard too. Getting more focus than everyone else. But this is what it’s all about of course. Dealing with your feelings and learning. So I can’t complain.

It all went by pretty fast really. The two hours. It was draining and hard, but also a good experience. Finding out that I can do this. I can get through it and I will learn things I can use.

I couldn’t really relate much to the other people though. Like I said, the women seemed like normal family mothers. People with normal lives. And the other Lasse told about how it was hard to talk about social phobia with his “guy mates”. I think I’m the only one who doesn’t have mates or normal family or anything. The only one who is really isolated like I am. And it seemed like it was easier for them all to talk in the group. But of course I don’t know what is going on inside them, I’m sure it’s not really easy.

I did okay mostly, when I had to talk. That last bit where I had to dig a little deeper and see why I was thinking that I couldn’t make it, that was hard and I stumbled a little over my words. And I did worry every time we had to go around the circle and talk. I always sit and worry about my turn. When the person next to you is talking and you know you’re next. That’s when you start feeling the panic. “What am I going to say? What am I going to say? WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?!?”. But then when you do get the turn it isn’t really that bad.

Therapists seemed nice. Other people seemed nice. And now I have tried it. I have been there, seen the people, talked in front of them. Now the uncertainty of the new situation is gone. Familiarity can start to settle in. I don’t think it will get easy exactly, but it will start to get better.

So here’s to hoping it will help. It’s kind of nice to see that social phobia is such a normal thing. That I’m not a complete freak. I don’t remember the numbers but Signe were telling us about how many people suffered from some form of phobia. And it was a pretty big number. So we’re not alone.

It’s different for everyone though. The people in the group, it’s not like we have experienced the same things and have the exact same fears. I’m not really allowed to talk about the other people of course. But even though one person has it one way and another has it another way, it’s still rooted in the same basic stuff. The social phobia, the way our minds are working. On a basic level that’s still the same. And I guess it’s the same for a lot of people. Like people who are “just” afraid of spiders or heights or dogs or whatever. On the basic level it’s probably not so different. The difference is that you can live a pretty normal life even if you’re scared of spiders. But if you’re afraid of other people then it sort of complicates things.

Hmm, maybe I should be Spiderman, living among spiders.

Yes… That’s all. I’m sorry if this is a bit boring. If it’s too long or too technical about the therapy or the phobia stuff. But it’s good for me to get it written down. It gets sorted out in my head too. My blog is my therapist. I hope Signe won’t be upset that I’m seeing other people.

Thank you for listening.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 10th, 2005 at 22:11 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Anne Says:
   August 10th, 2005 at 23:26 e

   Flot

2. Florida Girl Says:
   August 11th, 2005 at 2:06 e

   Congrats on making it through your first group session! Nice job. :)

3. Katherine Says:
   August 11th, 2005 at 6:39 e

   I admire your courage doing group therapy because anything in groups is not easy and probably everyone is afraid the same ways socially but we’re so good at masking our fears. Everyone wears a mask…it’s how we survive I guess. It’s kind of sad because animals, as you know, tend not to wear masks..and children don’t wear them either, though they soon learn how to. Life would be so much better if we all accepted what is true in our natures…that none of us are that strong, that we share the same or similar fears, that we all judge and are afraid of judgements. (Except have you ever noticed that really obnoxious, loud, annoying people seem to have no fear of judgement? AND THEY’RE THE ONES WHO SHOULD. haha.)

   PS: It is called a whiteboard…probably the only logical thing next to blackboard in the English language.

4. milla Says:
   August 11th, 2005 at 12:24 e

   Hi! :) I want to also congratulate you with this session :) You go, Plume :) Actually, the weird thing is, that the women sitting there and that guy were probably thinking to themselves: ‘oh, this guy is not as worried as me, he speaks pretty good about what’s going on inside’. It’s this funny thing about group therapy, I’ve talked to some ppl about it and I get the same answers, everyone thinks that other ppl are a lot more relaxed or have more things that make their life complete. My first session was kinda horrible, cuz I had to tell everyone what kind of problems I have, what I expect from the sessions and sit in a small room during the sessions with a bunch of ppl… And later on the guys there said, that I did great. And I was sooo worried, but that brought relief. And there is another thing to mention… My consultant told me that most of these psychological problems come from our childhood. So there was this one woman, who had a pretty good job and a nice guy by her side, but felt like a little scared girl inside… So actually, it’s not always all about the age. But it’s funny how familiar I am with the thought that other ppl’s lives are more complete. There was this one guy, who wanted to get more motivated and during those 6 weeks met lots of friends, went to concerts and stuff. And I felt like I was living on a deserted island, cuz I had no health or mood to communicate with anybody, to go out. But after the sessions I made some new friends, started to go out more & more, got a different outlook on a lot of stuff (life included) and realized, that being among those ppl, that suffer, but are not giving up and trying there best to stay afloat, helped me a lot with getting more confident, strong and sociable. One girl actually was in a worse situation then I, but she always hoped for a better tomorrow, doing everything step by step and enjoying the smallest things. I became a thinker, always thinking what other ppl were thinking about me, what to say and whever it was right. Plume, get those thoughts out of your mind! It’s the best thing just to say what’s on your mind, what you feel like and just live in the moment. Believe me, those ppl understand you and are in the same boat, just in different parts of it.

   I wish you the best of luck ol’ man! (haha, caught it from someone else on here;)

   Bacci,
   Mills