A Year Ahead

So here it is, merry christmas!

Oh wait. That was last week, right? Yes. So today is the 31st of December, as late as it gets. Right now there are three hours left of the year. Outside it sounds like the war on christmas has turned into the war on new years and everyone is fighting it with explosives.

I’m not a fan of fireworks. Ever since that new years eve many years ago when my neighbour Cliff threw firecrackers in my boot and I spent the night in the hospital. And the next month getting acid treatment on the wound.

And now for weeks the neighbourhood kids have been running around shooting bombs. I think fireworks would be a lot more special if we just had the traditional shootings after midnight. When all the families on the block gather and shoot of the grand fireworks. Instead of all these weeks and days of minor explosions. And you know that those darn half-criminal teenagers are just doing it because they like to scare people and play with fire. There is no romance.

Anyway. Every year I talk about how I don’t really like fireworks and for some reason no one ever listens. You’d think by now the world would have catered to my demands. Maybe next year.

So 2005. It’s been a big year for me. In fact the last couple of years have been huge. So much has happened. My life has changed a lot. From isolated, bitter depression to hope and progress. I must remember to be thankful for that.

The year didn’t start off well though. I went to the Netherlands and broke up with Skye. My first and only ex. It looked like it was going to be a very bad year. But I think I’m lucky that my medication kicked in soon after that. My depression went away. Skye was still my friend. Therapy started. Group sessions followed. I started feeling at home at work. I started going to the playground regularly and found happiness with the animals. Magnethe was born, the most wonderfully cute little goat kid. Going to concerts. Meeting Tina. I got surgery I wanted. In many ways it has been a very good year. I got my own domain too. Back in April. I can’t believe it’s been so long. I am happy with it. Happy with you guys who support me. I have a lot to be thankful for.

And that’s important to remember. I have had some mood swings the last month or so before my vacation started. Some depression. I even had a night where I seriously thought about suicide. Not in the way that I was going to do it just then, but in the way that I was seriously thinking about what methods would be best and so on. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do it. But I was having some downtime. So it’s important for me to remember how much progress I have made, how much better my life has become. And I have to hang in there.

2006 will be very important for me I think. It will probably be the year that makes or breaks me. Will I overcome my problems and get a real life? Or will I give up and fade away? I have some big steps to take. Mainly because I have to take them on my own. The continued fight against phobia has to be fought without the help of the group therapy. I have to move out and take responsibility for my own life. Make it on my own. That scares me. I guess I feel very insecure about doing it all on my own. It’s easier when you have someone to tell you what to do, to guide you. Now I have to stand on my own two legs. And I am worried that I might fall.

But if I can do it then I think I can have a pretty okay life. I might never have a huge group of friends, I might never love big social gatherings. But I think I can get to a place where I am happy. I just have to keep working for it.

And I guess that’s my new year’s resolution. To keep working on things.

That concludes 2006. I have procrastinated so much that there is now only one hour and 12 minutes left of the year. I hope you will all have a safe and happy eve. And I hope 2006 will bring you you good things. As far as I am concerned you all deserve the best.

Finally, if you like Mads, Mathilde and Magnethe then you should go look at my post in go_go_goats. A different sort of look back on 2005.

Happy new year everyone!

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 31st, 2005 at 22:51 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Milla Says:
   January 1st, 2006 at 20:51 e

   Dear Plume, I want to wish you a very happy and prosperous new year!!! I wish you lots of strength this year, to continue working for your goals and achieving them. You are a wonderful person and you deserve all the best of luck.
   You know, never say never about that huge group of friends. In a way you already have them ;) But seriosuly it’s better to have a few really close friends, that can humm to you the melody of your heart, if you by some chance forget it. I spend time with some people who are fun, but I wouldn’t really be able to open my heart to them. That is why I treasure my closest friends. Believe me, once you’re out there and ready to socialize, you’ll easily meet people who share the same interests with you and who enjoy you for the one you are.
   I have to admit, that I am also scared of changes. I have taken a looong brake from the university, partly cuz of my depression. The other part was the feeling of insecurity and feeling strange around places I used to feel comfortable in. Now in just a couple of weeks I’ll be going back, to a new group and new lecturers. But I wanna make it right and get my life back on track. The year 2005 had started hard for me, since it got bad for me on the 13th of January and continued for more than half a year. But now I’m thankful that period, cuz I finally got to meet the mature and responsible part of me and now I can make people around me feel good, just by being myself. I realized just what miracles the power of love can do. I continued writing and periodically talking on the phone with a guy that lives in germany. He is my soulmate and I can’t wait to see him again. I got a black terrier 7 months ago and she has brought a lot of joy into my life. I started singing and took part in a song festival on Thaksgiving day. I also had group therapy that enriched my life and during that time I met some extraordinary people. So yes, it’s been a year to remember and be thankful for.

   My friend gave me a card for my birthday, that had these words written in it:
   what we look like or appear to be is but a shell; it may look beautiful, but in the end, no shell is as beautiful as the pearl it holds inside; that is our true goal – to reach the pearl.
   I hope he doesn’t get mad at me for using his words, but I think that it’s one of those things we gotta try to do this year and all the years ahead. He put it well in words.

   Hugs n kisses from Lithuania,
   Milla

Snow Swimming

What a beautiful day. What an absolutely gorgeous day. If there are any religious groups that want me to believe in god then they should pick a day like today to pitch it to me. Because it really is divine.

Just don’t mention the war. And the tsunamis and earth quakes and pedophiles and those kids that tie fireworks to cats and reality tv and torture and so on.

Anyway, this isn’t a party political broadcast. This is a celebration of the snow.

Snow snow snow snow snow I must have snow.

One of my favourite things when it snows is the table we have standing out in our back yard. Old and rusty and falling apart. It always looks so nice with a topping of snow.

Just look at it. It’s like candy being served.

And Aarhus in the distance.

There is a little playground up on a hill and when I go up there I can see the city in the distance. Lots of houses sprawled everywhere.

And the world is right around the corner.

I feel like rewriting the Nightswimming lyrics to Snowswimming. But alas, I am not ambitious enough.

I’m not sure all these people understand

That’s what happens when you keep your window open at night. And you can see that all the other windows have been closed. I’m the only one crazy enough to sleep with an open window even though the temperatures are below zero.

I went to the playground. And luckily it was open, no one caught in the snow. So I got to hang out with the goats. So wonderful, the snow, the sun, the animals.

The bench was full of snow so instead I put some hay on the ground and then placed my blanket on top and then sat there. And let the goats have the bench.

Can you see Magnethe’s snowbeard? She was sticking her head in the snow all the time and when she raised it she’d have snow on her face. It made me laugh repeatedly.

What do you expect when you bury your head in the snow?

She’s so cute. I just had to hug her.

And Mads, the giant cuddlebug.

I gotta start looking for a toupé.

I am thankful for having the goats in my life. They make me feel loved. Funny how animals can do that.

I need a pet really badly. Or you know, friends and lovers. That too.

Before I go I want to recommend a Swedish movie. I don’t think I have ever done that before. I might never again. I’m Danish, you know. Denmark and Sweden is like Iraq and Iran. Or USA and Canada. Or Mexico. Or the whole world. Or something. Anyway, today I watched Kopps. Or Kops, as it’s called in Danish. It’s quite funny. And endearing. It’s about a little local police station that is going to be closed down because there’s no crime in their ‘hood’. So the police people start beefing up the statistics. By comitting crimes themselves. Normally I do not like Swedish comedies. Heck, I don’t even like most Danish comedies. But this one just has some really sweet and funny characters. I especially like Benny. He’s a mediocre cop, but he’s a big fan of American action movies I guess. So he keeps fantasizing about himself as a badass cop. He jumps around and shoots and shouts american phrases like “Don’t you mess with Benny the cop, motherfucker”. And then he goes home and knits. He’s a great character, the movie is worth watching just for his escapades. It’s a good little movie. No masterpiece. But it doesn’t matter since none of you USAians will ever get the chance to see it I’m sure.

Freeze motherfacker.

Also, I have been having a Curb Your Enthusiasm marathon. Speaking of escapades. I love Larry David. He’s quite a piece of work. I’m almost up to season 5 now. If I’m lucky I’ll make it through the whole lot before vacation is over.

I can’t believe there’s only one day left of 2005. And I haven’t learnt my lesson, I’m going to waste that one too.

I won’t let the snow go to waste though.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 30th, 2005 at 23:04 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Katherine Says:
   December 31st, 2005 at 1:59 e

   Your “Merry freaking” Christmas card arrived today! It’s lovely. Thank you. I hope mine arrives on your snow-covered doorstep soon. And I wish we had snow…we have rain here…lots and lots and pots of rain. I’m glad the goats are enjoying the snow, too.

   Does Kopps have English subtitles by any chance? I love foreign films… and have seen lots of good Danish and Swedish movies. One called Festen is definitely worth seeing. http://movie-reviews.colossus.net/movies/c/celebration.html

   A Dutch film I wish I could get my hands on again is Karakter. It’s amazing.

2. Anne Says:
   December 31st, 2005 at 12:04 e

   Flot år du har haft. Godt Nytår og tak for alt det, jeg nu kan se gennem dine øjne. Jeg var pjattet med geder, men jeg vil aldrig mere kunne se sne i mængder uden at tænke på dig.

3. Liz Says:
   December 31st, 2005 at 17:13 e

   Hey Plume, I used to read you way back when I was on diaryland as obscurelady (I’m not sure if you remember?) … now I’m not really writing online much but I thought of you today and decided to check out the new blog – it looks great and it really looks like you are doing well. The pictures are beautiful!
   Liz

Anything Your Heart Desires

There are few things in this world that bring me as much joy as looking out the window and seeing snow falling.

The snowstorm didn’t really hit my region. But it did snow. All day. And I did feel a little nuts as I walked up to the goats. Dressed warmly from top to toe, braving the weather just to go say hello to some goats. Crazy old man Plume, the crazy goat lover. That’s me.

I didn’t get to spend much time at the playground though. They were closing early. Nobody wanted to get caught in the snow. They wanted to get home before the storm came. They were talking about tomorrow too, whether they’d be able to come in. They all live outside the city, with the small roads and all. They might be snowed in tomorrow. I think they were going to call Jannie and have her stand by. Jannie is the girl that feeds the animals in the weekends. With her family. She lives two minutes away from me. Practically neighbours. I should ask if they need help in the weekends. Any excuse to see the goats, you crazy old fool Plume.

I bought a slush-ice machine. Crazy Plume. I felt a little bad as the mailman came with it, dragging his way through the ever increasing snow fall. To deliver an ice machine. Haha. But it was the parcel mailman, he has a truck. So it’s not too bad. And I like my machine, I like having crushed ice. I always make a giant mess when I try to make crushed ice myself. Putting icecubes in plastic bags and hammering them until they break and ice flies everywhere. I’m not a handy guy. But I like ice in my drinks. And snow on the ground.

I. Love. The. Snow.

Bad nighttime picture. My mother looking out on me as I clear the pavement. It hurts my back a bit, but it’s my favourite job in the world. Shoveling snow, that’s my idea of a good time.

Now you all stay safe. Remember: fireworks are the devil’s idle playthings.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 29th, 2005 at 23:05 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

Ready For A Storm

The local news are going nuts. There’s a snowstorm coming tonight. I love snowstorms. As long as they’re not too dangerous. Some fallen trees and electric outages, that’s okay. I hope no one gets hurt.

My mother bought me Batman thermosocks. Weet! My feet are warm and superheroey.

Look!

Magnethe in the snow.

Perfect winter goat.

Mathilde and Sine enjoying the hay.

Magnethe enjoying the bench. For some reason goats always seem to enjoy climbing up on things. The higher they are the better.

And look there she is jumping. She was standing up to Mads. Mads was in a very selfish mood. He doesn’t like to share, he gets jealous. I know he mainly gets jealous because of the food I bring. But the guys at the playground say that he gets jealous because of me too, you know he doesn’t want to share me with anyone. I like that. Although of course I want to be shared with everyone. But anyway, Mads was chasing away Mathilde and Magnethe when they got too close to me. And once in a while Magnethe would charge back at him, “don’t you push me away from Plume, I love my Plume” I imagine she’d say.

Mostly it was very quiet though. I just sat down on my carpet while the snow fell on us. Cold, but so beautiful.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 28th, 2005 at 23:25 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

It’s All The Rageroo

It’s been a cold, cold winter’s day. Almost too cold to go outside.

But then, you know, not.

Because who could resist that? Resist them?

Animals and snow, it doesn’t get much better than that.

It warmed me up nicely and I ended up staying for a couple of hours.

The goats had branches from pine trees.

And they were enjoying them.

Make sure to keep your goats away from your christmas trees.

Don’t you love me? She seems to be saying. And yes I do.

The colour in her fur is fading a little. You probably have to look at the big version to see it properly. I imagine it’s because of the winter time. Growing all that extra fur. I like it, it makes them big and soft to cuddle.

And soft to hug.

Hello there!

The Prince is still the big brother. Camilla and Mille, the twins, growing slowly.

There’s nowt better than winter lambs.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 27th, 2005 at 23:15 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Milla Says:
   December 28th, 2005 at 14:51 e

   How cute! Boy oh boy have the twins grown :))) Sweet

A Glimpse Of Stocking

I hope you have all had a nice christmas. Good presents, much love, nice food, beautiful snow. Or at least some of that. I have gotten snow today. That makes me happy. A couple of days late for a white christmas, but that doesn’t matter. Snow is on the list of things that always makes me happy. Along with goats, and you guys of course.

I am enjoying my vacation a lot. It just feels so liberating to not have anything to deal with. To wake up when I want without the stress of facing fears and working on problems. A little time out. Next year is probably going to be crucial for me, but I’ll write about that in my new years entry. Not now. Right now the future is a couple of hours away, not a lifetime.

What did I get for christmas? I got a new wallet. Which I really needed since my old one is something like 15 years old and falling apart. So that was good. Then I got a gift certificate for Fona, where I can get myself a CD or DVD most likely. And then I got some cash. Half of which I had already spent. On Simpsons season 6. So all in all that was okay, we’re not a rich family. I ain’t greedy.

It’s been an okay christmas, and that’s a little christmas miracle in itself.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 26th, 2005 at 23:53 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Milla Says:
   December 28th, 2005 at 14:52 e

   Good to hear you had a nice and cosy Christmas ;)

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve’s day. In Denmark we celebrate christmas on the 24th, so I’ll be having a nice christmas dinner and nice christmas presents tonight. Also, I’m going for a record in the usage of the word “christmas”.

Tis the season to be jolly, so from all of us to all of you:

Merry christmas! Or happy non-descript seasonal festivities. I hope your yule-tide will be gay, just watch out for missiles. What with the war on christmas and all.

Today would be a good day to check out the greetz page too. Just to see a little snow. And to see that it has been upated after almost a year’s worth of inactivity. Thank you Carole!

It’s been a nice Christmas Eve Day so far. I went up to the animals and said hello. When the barn is closed I can never be sure that I can see the animals. Of course they have to be fed every day, but I never know exactly when that will be. 10.30 seems like a likely time, and it worked today. It always makes my days a little better when I can see the goats. And I gave them some christmas treats of course. And said merry christmas to Jannie and her mother, they’re the ones who feed the animals when the playground is closed. Nice people.

I had an amazing dream last night. I won’t go into too much detail. Partly because the details are fading from my mind. Partly because everyone hates to read about others’ dreams. And partly because words can’t do it justice. It was beautiful, I went on a wonderful journey. I even saw a lion, I thought maybe I was in Narnia haha. It was a female lion though, no mane. And more beautiful things happened. And I knew I was dreaming. I remember thinking, in the dream, that I had never seen these places before, it must be a dream.

And when the dream was over I woke myself up. I was in the dream, I knew I had accomplished what I wanted. I wanted to wake up. So I started shaking. In the dream. And the dream faded and I was myself, in bed, shaking myself to wake up. What an odd, odd feeling. Like on TV, when you see a dissolve from dream to reality. When Bart is dreaming that he won first prize in a school contest. The teachers are saying “first prize, first prize, first prize” and then Bart wakes up and the scene disolves into Lisa, going “first prize, first prize, first prize”. That was sort of what it was like. Does that make sense? I was in the dream, shaking my body around and it disolved into reality, where I was also shaking my body around. In bed. I am rambling, yes? It’s just not often that happens. The awareness in the dream, that it is a dream. And being in control like that, forcing myself to wake up. I remember at one point in the dream I was actually worried I’d wake up. Because I wasn’t finished with what I was doing. So I thought to myself “I hope I don’t wake up yet”.

Oh darn, I promised not to go into detail. Too late now. But once again, everybody, merry christmas! Whether you celebrate today or tomorrow or some other day, or not at all. I’m not into the religion, my family isn’t big on traditions. But that doesn’t mean I can’t make it a happy day. All the commercialism, all the war on christmas, all the loneliness. It is only as important as you let it be, and today I won’t let it be important to me.

Love you all, love you all much. You are my presents, and I’d wrap you all up in love if I could.

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 24th, 2005 at 16:48 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.

1. Valja Says:
   December 24th, 2005 at 19:33 e

   Plume, you are adorable. What cute pictures! I hope you have (had? too bad I am not better at math/time zones) a very merry Christmas and a very happy new year!!! :)

2. Milla Says:
   December 24th, 2005 at 22:58 e

   A very merry X-mas to you too dear Plume!!! Your last words made me feel all warm and joyfull inside :)))

   Oh, and according to old traditions, animals start talking on X-mas Eve… so don’t be surprised if they get a little carried away and tell you a couple of jokes the next day ;)

   Lots of hugs and best wishes,
   Mills

The One With The Christmas Party

It’s the night before christmas. And all is quiet. No snow, unfortunately. Barring some kind of (christmas) miracle there will be no white christmas for me this year. Too bad. But next week there’s a chance for snow, so it’s looking up.

I’m wasting time with Championship Manager 01/02. Look what my brazilian supertalent thinks of me. Tactical genius, that’s me. Also note the name of the club. Aarhus Plumes. I made my own club, I did.

But anyway, I promised the story of the christmas party at work. On Tuesday. My office had been selected for decoration work, so we had to show up 45 minutes early to finish it all off. We did most of the work the day before though. So all that remained was to blow up balloons and light candles, pretty much. Wow, I can’t remember the last time I blew up a balloon. I wonder why we don’t blow up balloons more often? You should all go blow up a balloon, dear readers. Just because.

We had a “heart” theme going on. Heartshaped balloons and heartshaped candy and some flowers that didn’t look much like hearts. It’s a hard theme. Heart, hard. Get it? Good.

We had the party upstairs, in the bar/restaurant. Four rows of tables, filling out the entire room to the brim. And as people started arriving I got more nervous of course. Somewhere around 80 people. Most of whom I didn’t really know. I knew that wouldn’t be easy. And I did have some bad moments. I bought myself a glass of cola and then I started to look for a place to sit. I figured we’d sit together, us from the office. But Sanne had sat down next to some other people and there were “reserved” markers on some of the plates and people were saying that other people were taking the reserved seats even though they were reserved by someone else and people were sitting down everywhere and I started to panick. Deep breath. So I went down to the other end of the room and sat down on a chair that was standing by a pillar. So I could sort of hide behind it. And then I sat there for 5 minutes and almost cried because I didn’t want to sit alone but I didn’t know where to sit and I didn’t know what to do and where was everyone else?

Then I spotted Ole and Anders and Knud Erik. Standing up at the bar still. So I went back up there and stood quietly behind them. And then when they started to go and sit down I followed them and sat down with them. Problem solved. Phew.

After a while everyone was seated, and then there was a short speech and some jolliness and then it was time to eat. It was a buffet, so that meant everyone had to get up again and go to the bar and fill their plates. So more walking and butting in to people and wondering how to not seem like a social outcast who has never tried a buffet before.

It went fairly okay, and after I was done eating I got up and said my merries to the others and then I left. At that point I had sort of had enough. I’d been there for and hour and a half, I think that’s pretty good for a social phobic loner who has never been to a christmas work party before.

And then I walked to the bus, through the almost empty streets in the city night.

With a slight sense of melancholy. Feeling both happy and sad. Happy that I had decided to go to the party and lasted a good while and survived. And sad that I still can’t be a full part of it. Sitting in that room with all those beautiful people (and I don’t mean pretty people), it makes me sad that I can’t laugh and talk and be normal with them. But okay. Last year I couldn’t go to the party at all. So there is progress. Hopefully there will be more of that and next year will be even better.

And I shouldn’t beat myself up. Must remember my therapy. I have a phobia, I have some problems. That does not make me a bad person. *looks into mirror* gosh-darned it, I’m an okay guy.

Joy to the world! It’s yule, it’s cool.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 23rd, 2005 at 23:19 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Edit this entry.