One of the gang

I meant to update yesterday, but I got caught up with working on my site. You can see the result here. Wow! A cast page! Every blog needs one.

At least I need one. And now there it is. Nothing special, but more additions coming soon.

The last couple of days have been fine. Work followed by spending time with the animals and then home to relax.

There hasn’t been too much to do at work lately. I found some time to make some advertisement posters for my blog. Hehe. You can see one here (strangely sideways though). I made a few, just with different pictures and different subtexts. Fun. I put one up on the message board at Favorit when I went shopping. I wonder if anyone will find it interesting and come here. You never know. It seems sort of silly to advertise when you don’t have anything to really advertise for. Just a little blog. But it’s all in good fun.

After all, the world needs more advertising.

I saw the cutest little dog at Favorit.

I don’t know if you can really tell from the picture. But it was tiny. It was like the size of my hand. Roughly speaking. Tiny tiny.

I saw the cute bargirl at work again. Been a couple of weeks since I saw her last. So that was nice. She was sitting outside our office, eating. I was getting off work. When I passed by her I said “have a nice weekend” to her. That might not seem like a big deal. But actually saying something to a pretty girl, that’s not easy for me. Especially since we have never really talked, we don’t know each other. She’s a strange, pretty girl who I have a little crush on. So the fact that I was able to say anything at all to her, that was good. And she said “thanks, you too”. And I left. With a smile on my face.

I was talking to Skye about it yesterday. Sort of funny conversation. We were talking about how I had a crush on the bargirl, what I thought about her. And what I thought about the girl with the camera from the playground. Odd. Talking to Skye about other girls. But it’s nice too. That we can talk about these things and be friends. It’s really nice that she wants me to have a new girl.

Not that I see it happening any time soon. I am busy working on myself, working on my life. When that is straightened out then I can look for girls. But I like having a little crush on the bargirl. It just spices up your day if you have someone cute that you hope to see. Little nice moments.

I like what Lindsay said in my guestbook about new beginnings. I really hadn’t thought about it like that, but it is appropriate to start a new journal now that I’m sort of starting a new life, a happier existence. Wouldn’t it be nice if in 5 years I could look back at this blog and see it full of happiness and accomplishments and continued growth? Sort of like I can look back at my dland and see the bad times and the negativity. Starting afresh here is sort of like leaving all those bad feelings behind. They’re a part of me, a part of who I am. But they are no longer the most prominent part. They don’t rule my days or haunt my nights. They are the past and this sort of feels like letting them go.

Not to be random or anything, but I had a slush-ice the other day. I have never tried those before. Lovely. I love cold drinks. I put ice in everything.

We can’t have an entry without visiting the playground.

Look at White. He got coal on him. I was thinking maybe he wanted to look more like his brother, Black. That would take a lot of coal though.

Mads got aggressive with me on Thursday. I mean really. He was ramming me hard. Continually. I’m not sure why. Maybe he was annoyed with me because I wouldn’t let him chew on my coat. Or maybe he was jealous because I was paying so much attention to Mathilde. My favourite theory though is that he is starting to think of me as one of the animals, maybe even a fellow goat. Hah. I don’t know. I don’t think I have seen him ramming anyone else like that. Normally when he’s sort of pushy he just pushes his head against people. But the full-on ramming like this, I have only seen him do that to other animals. He was taking two steps back and then charging forward with his horns against me. If I hadn’t defended myself with my arm I could have been really hurt! I think he was a little puzzled that I didn’t get up and run away. That’s how all the other animals react when he charges them. But I just sat there and blocked him with my arm.

Yesterday he didn’t charge me at all. Maybe because I didn’t sit down. I guess when I’m standing up I make for a lot bigger target, more intimidating. Anyway, I’m not sure what it was all about but we’re still the best of friends. I don’t mind if he gets a little rought with me, I can take it.

Mathilde was as gentle as ever. She can do the charge thing too, but only to the sheepies. She’d never be brave enough to do it to a human. And not to Mads either I think. He’s the dominant one.

And Magnethe is the little baby girl. Mads sometimes charges her though. Then I tell him he’s being a big old meanie and he should pick on someone his own size. Silly goats.

It almost looks like she’s standing on two legs there. She’s leaning on a branch though. My how she’s growing.

I picked some leaves from the bushes and fed them to her. She liked those. She still nibbles at my fingers too, I have to be careful or she’ll bite them clean off I bet! Sharp teeth. But it’s still everso darling when she’s nibbling at you.

The girls where there too. And of course they demanded I take a picture of them.

Or two.

One of them asked if she could take a picture with my camera. So I let her do that. She went and took one of Musse and Sine.

She’s got talent. If I had told you that it was one of my pictures you probably wouldn’t have flinched. But I don’t know if that says something about her talent or mine…

I think I went to the playground every day this week. Now it’s weekend and it’s closed. I feel like a drug addict. I want to see my goats.

I wonder if the cute bargirl likes animals. I could tell her that I wanted to show her something nice and she could come with me and I could show her Magnethe and she’d be all “aww” and I’d tell her about Mathilde and she’d be all “aww” and I’d protect her from Mads and she’d be all “aww” and then we’d live happily ever after.

You never know.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=10

1. stace Says:
   May 2nd, 2005 at 2:14 e

   ooh, the cast page is a great addition. i sure wish i could have one of those. livejournal ought to learn a lesson from that.

A royal mess

If you have been following the news you might have seen that Denmark has a new royal baby on it’s way. THIS is CNN.

Princess Mary is pregnant. Which is great. She’s a lovely woman. And our monarchy needs it after the divorce of the other prince and his princess Alexandra. Happy times now.
This baby might some day rule Denmark.

Might.

See, if the baby is a girl then she might not become queen. The Danish constitution doesn’t allow female succession. So if the baby is a girl and she gets a brother some day, then the brother will have first right to the throne.

It kind of amuses me that we in 2005 in a highly educated country like Denmark have a rule that basically says “boys are better than girls”. We allow gay people to get married, but we can’t give a firstborn girl her rightful throne.

Of course I am not a pro-royalist. I’m not a fan of the monarchy. So I’m not overly concerned with what’s going on. I just think it’s odd. If our constitution said the world was flat, would we go looking for the edge?

The really funny thing is that our main reason to have a monarchy seems to be PR. We’re always told what great PR the royal family gives us. What great representatives of Denmark they are. Well who are our great representatives? Prince Henrik? Who has barely mastered our language after all these years? Who throws hissy fits because people don’t give him as much credit as the queen? Nope. Well how about the two young princes then? One of them is now divorced and appears regularly in the tabloids where he is pictured as something of an alcoholic womanizer. The other one is now expecting a baby and seems to be doing well, but in his youth he was pretty much only known for dating models and exceeding the speed limits in his cars. So nope again. The person who is a great representative for Denmark, the person whom everybody loves, the person who has illustrated Tolkien books… is Queen Margrethe. A girl. A girl who wouldn’t have become queen if there had been any brothers born. Isn’t that something to think about?

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=9

1. hissandtell Says:
   April 28th, 2005 at 22:48 e

   Oooh, I had no idea Prince Henrik was so high-maintenance! Queen Margrethe has always struck me as such as amazing person anyway, and then recently I watched this six-part documentary on “The Father in Law of Europe” which went into great detail about the Danish royal family since the 1800s, and I was left completely in awe of her. Of course I think it would be quite marvellous if a half-Australian sheila became Queen, too. (Adore your new site, darling.) Love, R xxx

Friends forever

Aw you guyses. Thanks for the comments. You have made me feel right at home here. I appreciate it. I am a lucky person in many ways.

I have added a link to my guestbook. I like my getstring guestbook a lot. That I’m able to make replies especially. So if you want me to reply to your comments you might want to leave them in the guestbook. But feel free to leave comments directly to entries too, of course.
It’s all good.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=8

1. Annie Lee Says:
   May 28th, 2006 at 23:50 e

   TO the Esteemed Mr. Plume:

   I came across your website the other day and have spent the best part of two days reading it. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. And I’m glad the story is rolling toward a happy continuation.

   Continue with the meds; some of us are born with the chemicals in our brains configured someplace way off the spectrum. So there can’t be any kind of guilt, shame or embarassment about that. I’ve learned to be thankful that I live in the age of meds. Seven years @ 120 mg/day = I feel fine.

   You may be on them forever. Maybe you can’t be fixed by therapy alone, but the two-prong approach is a modern miracle.

   Cheers, my friend. I look forward to the day you will make your first post from your own place.

   -Annie

   PS, I was serious about the crying. And the laughing.

   PSS, Your English! Where and how did you get this fabulous English?

2. Plume Says:
   May 29th, 2006 at 20:32 e

   Thank you Annie. I appreciate that a lot. You are too kind.
   I have always loved languages. I guess I have a natural ear for it.

Defining Plume

So. Time for the first real entry in my new blog. If you have been reading my other diary and journal then you shouldn’t expect anything new. I’m pretty much going to continue the same style and frequency.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

If it is broke, close your eyes and pray.

I’m happy with how this looks. I was going to leave it just black/white. But changed my mind. I like my header picture. It’s also very symbolic, isn’t it? The rising sun. That’s my life.

The main plume.dk site is still under construction. I will be adding things, but probably nothing dramatically new. If you know me then you probably know most of the stuff anyway.

It’s still exciting to have my own domain though! Webmaster Plume. I wish I had vacation so I could spend a week on just doing everything I want to do here. But there’s work. And there’s playgrund. And I get tired. So it’ll probably progress slowly. Doesn’t matter though. I have all the time in the world.

Onwards.

Therapy was hard today. But good. We have gone from talking about my social phobia to talking about my past. And how it influenced/influences my phobia. Talking about the past isn’t easy. Lot of things buried there.

“Your parents don’t define you. You define you”.

That’s good therapy.

I learned some new stuff about myself. I have always known that I felt a lack of attention and love from my parents. My brother got a lot of the attention because he had easily visible problems. I kept my problems to myself. We uncovered in therapy today that I probably felt like I had to be the good kid. The kid without problems. I felt that because my parents were so busy with my brother’s problems that I couldn’t bother them with mine. Or something like that. That was probably one of the factors in my life that made me withdraw myself. In many ways.

But enough about the past. The future is more important. My therapist said nice things. About my motivation and my courage to change things. About what I had accomplished yet.

We only have 3-4 sessions left though. She’s only an intern and her internship is coming to an end. So what will happen to me? She’s going to bring my case up with the others at the clinic. Hopefully I can start group therapy. That’s the next step. And she will recommend that. Because I’m making progress with the therapy and I’m getting results.

If I can’t get into group therapy then maybe I will be assigned to a new intern. Or maybe I’ll just be let loose on my own. I guess I have learnt what I need to know to get better. How to fight the phobia. But I would still prefer to have some guidance. And group therapy would probably be really good for me. Even though it’s scary too.

I’ll see what happens.

Meanwhile I am still going to the playground of course. Having fun with the goats.

Haha. Mads has started putting his legs on me too. At one point he got up with his two front legs on my leg as I was sitting. Man, he’s heavy! It was a lot of fun though so I ignored the pain.

I can forgive Mads most anything. I can forgive that he rammed his horns into my camera. I can forgive that he rammed his horns into my head. Even though it hurt. He didn’t mean to do it though. All by accident.

I did sort of do some head-to-head with him. Pushing our heads together like we were two male goats battling for superiority. It’s fun.

I’m going to put up a couple of pictures now. Please forgive the lack of quality. And please forgive my sloppy appearance.

I think they’re a little sweet though. “Friends forever”, I would title them.

You can click on them to see the bigger version by the way. If you desire. I think this is how I’m going to do my pictures, mostly. 400×300 in the blog with links to 640×480. Seems appropriate.

And yes, even though I have moved to my own domain I will still be posting too many pictures from the playground. You’re just going to have to deal with it.

I love that place. I talked to the girl who usually asks me to take pictures of her. She asked me if I had a kid. That’s nice. Made me feel adult. She also asked if I’d come back tomorrow. I told her yes. She’s nice. The kids are fun to hang out with. And when they see that the animals like me then they usually like me too.

Had fun with Magnethe today. She’s getting into the “eat everything” phase. Nibbling away at anything in her past. And she still likes to climb up on me if I sit down on a bench. I wish she would never grow too big for that.

Had a very sweet moment too. I was getting ready to leave. But wanted to say goodbye to Magnethe. She had gone into the hamster house, where all the hamsters and bunnies sit in their cages. There’s an old couch in the back. I think Magnethe likes it. I’ve seen her go in there before. And then she starts rolling around on the couch.

It’s a comfy old rag.

After rolling and rubbing herself against the sides she lied down. I sat next to her. She was sitting all quiet. It looked like she was tired. Like she was going to fall asleep. So I just sat next to her for a while and stroked her. Nuzzled her.

And she just kept quiet. Very sweet. I wanted to go to sleep myself. Just Magnethe and I, taking a nap in the back.

I didn’t of course. I stayed there for something like 20 minutes, next to her. Then I figured I should go home. As I left the place I heard Magnethe baaahing. She hadn’t said a word the whole time we were in there. Maybe she didn’t want me to leave? Maybe she was complaining that I was leaving. I’d like to pretend so anyway. Before I could go back in, she came out. I guess she didn’t feel like sleeping in there alone.

I love my goats. I have to keep reminding myself to be thankful. How different my life is now. Happiness used to be something fleeting, something I couldn’t grasp. If I experienced it then it was usually gone in the blink of an eye. Now happiness is… normal.

There is hope for everyone.

I had more to talk about, but this has gone on long enough. Better finish off. I gotta go to diaryland and give my farewell speech. Can’t put that off anymore.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=7

1. Belinda Says:
   April 27th, 2005 at 23:14 e

   Awww, I’m so happy that this is all up and running. I will follow you here and where ever you may go in the future.

2. Maile Says:
   April 28th, 2005 at 5:06 e

   plumester! congrats on the new digs, my good sir. i wish i could do this. i’ve been wanting to venture out on my own for a month now. i’m tired of diaryland. andrew doesn’t answer support requests. i haven’t seen my private entries for over a month. i’m sick and tired of it. signmyguestbook is crap. what the hell? i paid for a gold membership and this is how he’s using our money? i want out, i tell you, out! how did you do it?? i wanna do it too. i’m completely clueless as to how to do so. give me some pointers, chap.

3. skye Says:
   April 28th, 2005 at 17:32 e

   hey nice new site lasse! it all looks great..
   also.. i messed up my comp.. and aim is one of the things that doesnt work anymore.. so would you be so sweet to get msn and still talk to me once in a while until i get it all fixed?

Introductions & The Story So Far

So. Here I am. I am Plume. That’s what you can call me anyway.

I have been writing for years in Diaryland and Livejournal. But since this is sort of a “new beginning” I figured maybe I should recap my life so far.

Is there such a thing as an “old beginning” by the way?

I was born on March the 15th 1978. Which makes me… very old. I don’t look old. I don’t act old. I am young beyond my years. But maturing finally, I hope.

My childhood was fairly uneventful. I was a shy kid. Grew into a shy teenager. Grew more and more shy. I’m not going to tell you my whole life story now. That would take too long. I’ll save that for my future autobiography: “A Plume That Changed The World”. But suffice it to say that I got left behind socially. I became very withdrawn and repressed. I never had a girlfriend. Barely talked to girls. Not many friends after school hours. Didn’t go to many parties. A geeky nerd with glasses and good grades and little else. I completed public school with flying colours mostly. I got the highest possible grade in my French oral exam.

The future was wide open. But my social problems increased. I dropped out of the gymnasium (= High School) after one year. I hung around in my bedroom until I turned 18. Then I did a few different things. Courses, journalist+writing classes. I worked at the small Danish publishing house Hovedland for quite a while. As an intern. The wouldn’t/couldn’t hire me properly. Eventually I had to stop there.

My problems increased. It got harder and harder to leave my room. Just going outside was a challenge. I had no friends, no acquaintances I was alone. Abandoned. I tried to kill myself. Slashed my wrists one early morning in January 1999. Wanted to bleed to death. But it didn’t work. I survived. With scars and even greater emotional damage. I felt like a zombie. Like I was supposed to have died but my corpse walked on. I was just waiting for death to catch up. I never told anyone about the suicide attempt. Hid my wrists from sight.

Time went on. I was sent to a psychologist but the conclusion was that I wasn’t ready to open up and talk about my problems. I was sent to the Phobia school where I finally got a name for what was wrong with me. I had social phobia. It’s like arachnophobia only I’m not scared of spiders, I’m scared of people. Basically.

The Phobia School helped me gain insight. I learned about what was happening to me. But it didn’t cure me. I wasn’t really ready for the treatment. I kept shutting myself in. It’s all a bit of a haze now. Years of isolation. Eventually the social services pulled me back into the jobmarket. They sent me on an “activation course”. Reintegrating people into society. I didn’t think I had a chance to get back into society. I didn’t think I had a chance of getting a job. But towards the end of the course a lucky thing happened. One of the counsellors remembered Tousgaardsladen. It’s a comunity center sort of place. An old barn. I was placed there. Worked with lots of different things. Washing the floors, cleaning, tending to the grounds outside. I was originally supposed to work in the computer room, but that didn’t last too long. But that was okay. I liked it there. There was no pressure. A slow pace. A relaxed attitude. I was there for around a year. I slowly got used to leaving the house every day. Going to work. Being around people. I started feeling safe. Opening up. Talking to others.

While all this was going on I also discovered the internet. When my family bought a new computer I finally got online. The internet brought the chance to meet people without the problems of the phobia. I met Skye. She complimented my poetry. We started talking. She loved me. I was scared and amazed when she told me. I never thought I would be loved. I never thought anyone could love me. It took me a long time to accept it. To deal with it. And to allow myself to have feelings back. But the feelings came. We were in love. We met. She came to Denmark. I went to the Netherlands. Going to the Netherlands was probably a very big step in my life. That I was able to do that one my own. And to spend a week with a girl.

Things started improving. When I stopped at Tousgårdsladen I started at the Reva center. Revalidation. My time at the barn had showed that I was getting closer to being able to getting a normal job. The Reva center is a place where people are tested. To find out what they’re capable of, to get help with finding a job and a future. I started working out in their gym. Talking to their therapist. Getting more and more used to the daily routine of working.

I got better. I got stronger. I was still troubled by the phobia though. And depression. My mood swung like swings in a storm. I was sort of learning to live with being sad. But it was still progress.

In January 2005 I went back to the Netherlands to see Skye. Our 4th meeting. That’s not a lot when you’re in love. Things were hard. I wasn’t good at being in a relationship. I couldn’t give Skye what she needed. My own problems were too big in my head. I kept her waiting. Years she had waited. It was too long, too much. We broke up on the first day of our vacation together. It was very hard to deal with. When I got home I was very depressed for a while. Many suicidal thoughts. Good thing I’m afraid of pain and dying. A little healthy human instinct I still have at least.

But then things took a turn for the better. Before I left to see Skye I had started getting medication. “Happy pills”. Against depression. And anxiety. I had also started working at Kulturgyngen. The medication started kicking in. And I started getting comfortable at work. And I started proper therapy at the Clinic for Anxiety and Personality Disorders. Progress. I also started going more regularly to a playground in my neighbourhood. Spending time with the animals there. Goats and sheeps and horses. I started finding happiness. Feeling more and more progress. I felt good.

I feel good. This is where I’m at now. At the time of writing. There is almost no depression left. There is still social phobia but I’m working actively to fight it. And it is definitely improving. Work is going well. The animals make me incredibly happy. I’m starting to look for my own place to live, so I can finally move out.

I have hope for a good future. I am no longer walking bones. I am a person. I believe that I will be okay.

I will be okay.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=6

1. Stine Says:
   April 27th, 2005 at 15:51 e

   To new beginnings. I’m glad the pills are working for you, they put me on Zoloft and it’s helped a great deal.

   Take care.

2. Staci Says:
   April 27th, 2005 at 17:01 e

   I love you, Plume! I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of that. I wish I could give you lots of hugs and stuff and make it all go away for you. I know the feeling to be afraid of other people. I am too. Talk to me some time, my screen name is HunniB7. Staci

3. Plume Says:
   April 27th, 2005 at 21:01 e

   Stine - Meds are great aren’t they? Hooray. We’ll take care of each other.

   Staci - I have added you. I can’t guarantee how often I am on though. But I love you too :) Thank you for the sweetness. At least I am better now than I used to be. It’s not all bad.

4. meredith Says:
   April 27th, 2005 at 21:16 e

   your story has always given me hope, hon.

5. kornybigguy Says:
   May 2nd, 2005 at 7:31 e

   Hey Plume, I’m happy things are going so well for you. I love the new blog, though I think it needs more Hobbes, and maybe some Pumpkins mp3s… :-p
   You’re still my favorite Danish person.

6. Kat Says:
   May 4th, 2005 at 8:27 e

   I just gave in and got anxiety drugs. It’s the year of the drugs.

7. Milla Says:
   April 12th, 2006 at 19:02 e

   From a poem by Jill Wolf…
   A hug’s a way to share the joy
   And sad times we go through,
   Or just a way for friends to say
   They like you ’cause you’re you.
   It’s funny how a little hug
   Makes everyone feel good;
   In every place and language,
   It’s always understood.

   I’m sending you a big hug and best wishes :)))

   I agree with Stine, to new beginnings!

8. kenneth krabat Says:
   January 5th, 2008 at 14:30 e

   Hi Plume, a happy and fulfulling 2008 I wish for you.

   Having reading this summation, I commend you on your clarity of mind. It is a fine tool, a sharp tool, but one that needs tempering, so as not to hurt you: it’s never about things that you cannot do. It about doing those that you are the most. Use your heart on yourself.

   my best,

plume.dk

Here’s to new beginnings.

More to come.

http://plume.dk/blog/?p=4

1. mille Says:
   April 27th, 2005 at 13:21 e

   hi plumez

   lovely design! it’s pretty and simple; the plume way. even better than the super! simple diary land design. alas, i must say that i find the lack of dancing monkeys a bit troubling. oh well, you can’t have everything. i’m looking forward to read your daily scribbling. i even updated my bookmarks! so yeah.

   i have my first exam tomorrow. yikes.

   love,

   mille

2. Plume Says:
   April 27th, 2005 at 21:03 e

   Aw Millez, you are teh betste! Thank you for the compliment on the design. I quite like it myself. But then I’m biased. CAUSE I MADE IT! Oh yeah. I kind of miss the dancing monkey too. Maybe I should make a dancing monkey page on my site.

   You’ll kick exam ass, I have no doubt. You’re smarter than the average bear.