So I was going to tell you about therapy. On Tuesday. Before The Prince so rudely interrupted me with his starbound cuteness.
I have actually been feeling a little down. I think I have neglected to mention it. Feeling sorry for myself and doubting my ability to make things okay. A little half-depression. Which caused me to miss the last therapy session, I know I have neglected to mention that. It was stupid of me of course, this group therapy is a big chance for me and it would be criminally insane of me to waste it. So I picked myself up and got back on track and went to the meeting this Tuesday. I was greeted by Anne, another of the phobics, who seemed really, genuinely happy to see me. She had seen that there were only 5 chairs out in the therapy room and therefore she knew that one of us was out sick. And she told me that she was really happy that it wasn’t me who was gone. Happy that I was back. That was a good, positive way to start the session for me.
It was a tough session. I was a little behind, compared to the others. I had to catch up, which meant I had to be really active. I had to do my exposure thing in front of the group. Everyone has had to. Doing something in front of the group. My test was just to talk in front of the others, that is exposure to one of my greatest fears of course. Talking in front of other people. So I talked for five minutes about my work. Five minutes might not sound like a long time. But time is relative. Five minutes of the hardest thing you can imagine, that’s a long time. While five minutes of eating ice cream, well that’s just over before you’ve managed to say “mmmmmmmm ice cream”.
But I got through it. And it went really well actually. I got a lot of positive feedback from the others. They said I seemed happy and extroverted. Haha. Yes, that’s me in a nutshell. But that was good. We always have to measure things on a 10-scale. How nervous are you? How much do you believe this? How yellow is your golf shirt? On a scale from 1 to 10. Before my test I said that I thought my nervousness would be around 9. After it was done I said it had been around 2-3. I almost didn’t have time to get nervous. And I spoke fluently, I had a few little timouts where I had to think about what to say next, but nothing important. And I didn’t mumble or stumble. So it was pretty much a big success. I’m quite happy with it.
I also got asked out to dinner. With the rest of the group. That will be interesting. I haven’t been out to a dinner in a restaurant since I was a kid. And back then it was spaghetti and sausages at the supermarket bistro. So this will be something new. And scary. But good social practice. I mean, this is the whole point of the therapy. To get to a point where I’m able to do things like that. Going out to dinner with friends. And the people in the group are all really nice and sweet. It’s liberating to know that they all deal with the same problems, the same fears and phobias. You know you won’t be judged, at least not harshly and unfairly.
There aren’t many sessions left now. Once they’re done then we have individual talks. And then we have to go out and train on our own. And then in a few months there will be a followup session.
Next session is “bring your family” session. Where we can invite a family member if we want. I’m not going to do it, though. I just… can’t. I’m not ready for that. The only one I could invite is my mother, and I’m just not ready to involve her that deeply. I’m glad she knows what’s going on. And she is supportive. But bringing her to a session, that’s too much.
But other than that it was good to be back in group. I feel more positive about it again. There’s no good in thinking about how hard it is and all that. I gotta stay positive and work for the future. Etcetera.
I will Try, Try, Try.
Hey, don’t forget The Prince.
I love the lamb face. That sheepish grin.
Just like Black and White. Born smiling at the world.
The playground is a continuing source of not only happiness but also therapy for me. My relationship with the animals is a success, it’s something I have done well at. Something positive about myself. That is always hard for me to recognise. One of the things I had to do in therapy was fill out my ressource list. Write down things that I like about myself. That is so hard. I’m sure lots of people can relate, even people without social phobia. Just people with self esteem of confidence issues. It can be hard to aknowledge your own qualities. If you grow up telling yourself that you’re no good, then that’s hard to change. My basic self image is that I’m worthless. Now rationally I know that isn’t true. But the brain is a powerful thing. If I say that I’m worthless then my brain goes “Yup, that’s right you dumbfuck”. If I say “I’m a nice person” then my brain says “As if, don’t kid yourself loser”. Stupid brain. I’ll get you one day.
Anyway, that’s why the successes matter so much. That’s why it means a lot to me when people say how well I do with the animals. And when you nice internet people leave me positive comments. It’s like picking away at the wall of negativity in my head. Pulling it down one brick at a time. Because if others can say that I have good qualities, then maybe I can say it about myself too. And maybe I can believe it. Maybe I am worth something. After all. Maybe, just maybe, I have a right to be in this world and claim my own happiness.
I just need to convince my brain.
This is where I usually leave the playground. Over the fence and down the slope. With Magnethe and Mathilde watching me as I go.
And this is a grey morning.
And this is the end of the entry.
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October 28th, 2005 at 5:33 e
I heard a psychologist say that self-esteem and self-confidence come from inside, not the outside. In other words, the outside world can tell us we’re wonderful until the cows come home but if we don’t believe it, it won’t make any difference. She also said that the way to build self-esteem and confidence is to take risks, do things that make us proud of ourselves. You’ve been taking a lot of risks in the last two years and every risk you’ve taken has boosted your self-confidence.
Even though you still hear that negative voice, I can tell it has a lot less power over you than it used to. It seems to me that your activities are proving the voice is a liar. For example, the voice might say that speaking in public is something you can’t do without making a fool of yourself, but then you do it and find out that even though you were nervous and afraid at first, the longer you spoke the easier and more exhilirating it became. The voice that was speaking was yours, not the cruel voice.
When you were finished the people you spoke to responded warmly to you. You were fine. So the voice lies. Eventually the voice will sound like the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoon. Wah. Wah. Wah. Just meaningless sounds.
I agree with you that the animals are therapy. I think that photo of the goats watching you as you leave speaks volumes about their attachment to someone they know is special. The goats look forward to seeing you arrive and hearing your voice. The animals are pure, they don’t hear the voices we do. They don’t have our prejudices. But they’re not stupid or dumb either. People who are arrogant often conclude that “barnyard” animals are dumb…but this is ignorance. Animals do distinguish the good from the bad and they reject certain types of people because they can intuit what’s on the inside of a person.
You are a voice in the world, a presence in the world. You have made a difference in the world. You have touched other people, like the lady in your group, your readers here, and others. The animals have adopted you. They trust you. They don’t trust everybody.
The world belongs to you and you belong to the world. The voice is also part of this world. In some ways if you hadn’t gone through all that crap you wouldn’t be you, you’d be someone else. Maybe you’d be someone who wouldn’t understand and have as much empathy as you do. Maybe you’d be someone less attuned to these important things.
So maybe the voice can be seen as something instructive, something to learn from. But make no mistake, the voice no longer controls you.