So what is it, this surgery that I shall be having in a week and half now?
It is a breast reduction. Yes. Might as well get it out of your system now. Laugh a little if you need. Because hey, manboobs are funny. I make jokes about manboobs too. Only, gynecomastia isn’t really funny. It can, in fact, be emotionally crippling.
And it has been for me. All these years of diaries and journals, I have been pretty open about my flaws and fears and phobias. But this is the one thing I have never talked about. All the times I have talked to psychiatrists or therapists or doctors or psychologists, I have never mentioned it. Despite the fact that I’m quite sure that it has played a big part in my social phobia. Why do I feel worthless? Why can I not stand getting attention? Why does it hurt when people look at me?
I don’t know if you can imagine what it’s like. If you’re a girl, then imagine having a penis. Would you take showers with other girls? Would you wear tight pants? Would you ever feel normal?
It goes back as long as I can remember. It goes back when the girls and the boys were still showering together after PE classes. And two of them (can’t remember who) were looking at each other and said “Are you getting breasts yet?”, “No, but Lasse is”.
No wonder I feel like a freak. I am one.
I remember when Denmark won the European Championship in soccer in 1992. I bought a T-shirt with the team on it. Wore it proudly to school. Until people wanted to start looking at it. Looking at me. My chest. I hid behind the long curtains and heard Maria saying “Haha, a boy with breasts”.
I always thought that it was because I was overweight. It was my own fault. Until I saw a program on TV about gynecomastia. That must be 5-6 months ago now. I went to my doctor, wrote him a letter in advance about it. It’s so hard to talk about that I knew I wouldn’t just be able to go and talk to him about it. But sending the letter in advance, then he’d know. And he agreed that it would be good to get something done about it. So he referred me to the hospital. I got x-rays taken to be make sure that there was no cancer or anything. Then I got scheduled for an operation. In January 2006. A long wait. Luckily they have a policy that if they can’t offer you the surgery within two months then they will help you find another hospital or clinic where you can get it done faster. So I was referred to Århus Speciallægecenter. I went there a couple of days ago. And now I have an appointment for surgery on September 7th. Ten days from now.
So there you have it. I can’t really communicate how big a deal it is to me. How painful it has been for me. But you know my situation, right? So if I say that gynecomastia has been a big part of putting me in this situation then you can understand that it is something very big in my life, right?
And I am incredibly happy that something is going to happen about it now. When I was younger I would sometimes think about just grabbing a knife in the kitchen and cutting them off. Maybe I’d die of the blood loss, but so what? It was better than living like this.
I’m trying not to be too optimistic. Because this operation will not make me “normal”. I won’t be slim and beautiful. I will not stop feeling like I am a less worthy person than others. Everything will not be perfect. But just… the thought of being able to put on a shirt without having to stretch it out so it’s as loose as possible. The thought of being able to go into a room and not feel like everyone is staring. The thought of not hating myself. That is a sweet thought.
The operation itself is a little scary. I will be getting general anesthesia. Is that what it’s called? The full thing, going completely under. And then I’ll be at the hospital for a day. And probably be in much pain. But at least they will provide painkillers for the first days. After that I’ll have to get my own panodil. Hah. It’s not exactly going to be fun. But at least I can expect 1-2 weeks off from work. So you gotta look at the bright side. I will get to stay in bed and watch DVDs. It’ll be just like vacation. Only with searing pain, discomfort and shame.
Maybe this is all very weird. I don’t mind being a weirdo, though. I’d just prefer it not to be because of my body. My mind, that is another matter.
It feels kinda nice to talk about it too. The dark, dirty secret that I have been trying to hide for so long. I told Sanne about it on Thursday. I had to tell her that I would be taking some sick leave of course, because of the operation. And she said “Is it okay to ask what it’s for?”. So she sort of gave me the opportunity to not tell her what it was exactly. But I told her. And she was a little surprised. She said she hadn’t noticed anything really, because I always wore loose clothes. I don’t know if she was just being polite though. In my head everyone always notices. In my head there is nothing else they notice. In my head there is a great desire to hide away so no one will notice.
I almost can’t imagine a different life. I hope I will get it though. This, along with therapy and medication and general evolution, could just give me a better future.
I am allowed to hope, at least.
Feel free to ask questions or leave comments. It’s hard for me to know how people will react exactly. But I know you’re all supportive. And I can take jokes too. Because, you know, you gotta be able to see the humour in deep emotional pain. Otherwise you’ll just end up, oh trying to kill yourself or something.
Ugly. Just for reference.
Posts
August 28th, 2005 at 21:36 e
i still think the knife thing is way gross when you think of it :/ :)
but.. great that you wrote this entry
August 28th, 2005 at 22:43 e
Is that all? Well, I have big, ballooning, saggy, and very tender pregnant woman breasts, so there! Anyways, whilst I’m at it, I kinda thought it was every mans dream to have breasts – like, guys will say stuff like “if I had tits, I’d be touching them all day!” Like, when what’s his face had his head sewn on to what’s her face’s shoulder in Futurama, he was all sad when the boobs disappeared. I’m just saying you might realise once they’re gone what you’ve lost. Though, I guess, not feeling like a freak anymore will make up for it? I’m actually (besides all the stupid jokes) super happy for you and wish you all the best of luck with the op. I know how horrid it is to feel different – even if it’s because of something which isn’t your “fault” or isn’t even that different. You have made amazing progress with your social phobia and this is yet another huge step in the right direction. And I’m glad you chose to share it with us.
August 28th, 2005 at 23:00 e
Og….? Det er nu flot nok, at du erkender problemet, lader os andre følge med og gør noget! Du kan nu engang ikke bygge dit liv på, hvad tåbelige – eller måske tankeløse – tøser sagde for år tilbage.
August 28th, 2005 at 23:29 e
Hugs, Lasse. There is nothing more horrendous than feeling shame about one’s body and most of us do for one reason or another (except for the cursed movie stars who seem to have been born airbrushed.) You may feel you have a lot of stuff to work through still with your social discomfort, but it’s obvious you’re taking charge of your life more and more. I still have trouble making an appointment to see the dentist! This operation is another turning point for you. Doing what will make you feel better. I hope there won’t be too much pain afterwards, but if you have good meds you can enjoy your time off. I wish I could recommend some good DVDs but I’ve only seen crappy ones lately. I’ll post a private message in the gbook about some great sheep farm finds from the BBC.
August 28th, 2005 at 23:42 e
Lasse,
I admire your honesty and your openness. Good luck with everything. You deserve all the happiness in the world.
August 29th, 2005 at 12:27 e
You always manage to blow me away with your courage. I wish you all the best for what lies ahead in the next week or so.
August 29th, 2005 at 15:39 e
It is very rare that people like what they see in the mirror. Children can be cruel and say hurtful and scarring things. Unfortunetly not everyone in life cares about things outside themselves. To me that is ugly. It is easy to beat oneself up, but what i try to do is look at how I look at my friends, I don’t see what is ugly, I see them and of course I like what I see in others. It’s a matter of trusting that others see the real you and not our outer shells in all its human glory. Afterall we will all one day be the same and that is just simply dust. Take care and keep your head up man.
September 10th, 2005 at 1:35 e
Stærkt!
Det er utrolig modigt og godt gået! Det er opmuntrende at se dit liv bare bliver bedre og bedre.
Keep it up!
Mvh
Erik
Og tak for Tina-linket forresten;-)